My wife (34M) went through a traumatic experience and it seems to have permanently changed her. The situation doesn’t seem to be changing and I’m (35M) totally unsure how to proceed. I also feel like I’m at the end of my rope experiencing caretaker fatigue with it all. What should I do?

Last year my wife suddenly and unexpectedly lost her mom. It was really rough on her because she was already rattled from nearly losing her dad shortly before that to COVID. He’s okay now, but obviously things are very different for all of them.

It’s been a really long journey. She’s been to counselors, groups dealing with grief, has read a lot on the subject, all sorts of things. But as so much time has passed now, I can tell she’s changed. It’s almost impossible to put into words but she just doesn’t have the same spark or life in her any more. It’s like a part of her soul has been ripped out of her and it’s never going to return. It doesn’t feel like it’s depression and apparently her therapist doesn’t seem to think it is. She just seems and feels like a somewhat different person than before. The things we used to bond over just feel somewhat shallower than it did beforehand.

We’ve been to a couples therapist about this, but the one we’ve been seeing doesn’t seem to think there’s a drastic problem over the grief she’s experiencing on her own. Give it time, they keep saying. Keep talking, keep finding ways to support each other, all of that.

I have to be honest. Maybe it isn’t the socially expected thing for me to say at this point, but if I weren’t forthcoming about how I feel at this point, I’d be lying by omission. I am just so exhausted and spent.

Clearly she’s dealing with a lot more than me, but being unable to attend to myself and being unable to have the wife I had before all this has just done a number on me. I do have some days here and there where I do something with someone else, but I always feel a huge pain of guilt if I’m not around to support her.

Also I’m just experiencing the worst caretaker fatigue as well, it’s such a battle between the two feelings. I feel like I’ve given all I have to support and help her but I feel so helpless that it isn’t doing much for her at all. It’s so defeating to not be able to share the same joy we used to. And frankly I am lonely. Since we can’t connect in the ways we used to and she doesn’t feel capable of showing the same love she once did, I just feel at it alone. I wish she had the capability of showing me the kind of love she used to, but it just doesn’t seem within her power. I miss having an intimate and feminine touch, and I don’t feel like I’ve had it in the same way ever since.

What should I do? I know the horrible advice many might give is consider if the marriage is still going to work, but I’m determined to make it work. Maybe I just have to admit defeat and settle for less or different than I had before she lost her mom, I don’t know. To be honest, I don’t know what to think or do at this point and could really use advice.

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tl;dr: My wife lost her mom almost a year ago and hasn’t been the same since, nor has our marriage. I’ve put so much work into it but I feel helpless that I’ve been unable to seemingly improve things from all my efforts. I don’t know what else I can do and I am experiencing some severe caretaker fatigue and seriously need advice.

Submitted January 13, 2022 at 09:06PM by AppledOranging https://ift.tt/3FqpT3J