Day for day, 2 days ago my gf of 3y left me. There wasn't yelling or anything. It was a calm conversation, I was in denial, cause I couldnt lose her. I understand that denial is a normal human behavior when your are the dumpee.
First week no contact was hard, but I got through it, on sunday though my head started having a ton of questions. I decided to text her to get some answers hoping it would give me closure. It didnt. It brought me back to a state of sadness and reset my grief. It also did the same for her, and for that I apologized.
Week 2 begins, everything was more depressing, the week was a lot harder. Week 1 I went on a run almost everyday, on week 2 the weather was cold and raining so I didnt, and since running helped me a lot week1, this was a tougher week overall. Once again came a point my brain started having some dark thoughts keeping me in this state. I confronted her, I knew, deep inside, that this question I was about to ask her was pointless. She isnt that type of person. But I asked her if she left me because she possibly met someone else. She told me no, she was understanding of my question, and even told me she understood why she thought I asked her. She told me that it was probably because I saw her with her hair untied, and that there was often friends over at her place and that sometimes friends were guys (she never unties her hair except when she's having big headache, which make sense with the break up..) and so yeah, my question, while legetimate, I knew was pointless because I already knew the answer. It was my brain imagining the worst, probably hopimg for another answer to switch from sadness to anger in hopes of moving on.
I assumed up to that point that her having friends over almost daily, when in 3y she barely invited friends over amd hated social activities, that it was because she was unphased by the breakup. Im now realizing that she is too, having a tough time, and everytime O texted her, I was opening that wound for the both of us. That she was having friends over because it helped her think about something else.
Not gonna lie, this 2 weeks has been the toughest challenge of my life, this is my first long term relationship, my first heartbreak. Besides running, I dont feel like doing anything. Even video games with my buddies online isnt changing my thoughts all the time. The moment im doing nothing, I fall in a spiral of thoughts. I have some furniture left in the house that she was willing to keep for me until next summer, since I moved back to my mom's house in the meantime. I did realize that we both wont move on if I still have stuff attached to her in a certain way by having stuff at her place and she wont move on either with my stuff in the house.
I am positive to the future, though right now its tough. I beloeve in life. I understand that clinging to hope of getting her back is also a part of denial, and i'd like to think that phase is over. I do get that "what if" thought from time to time, what if in 3-4 months of no contact, when were ready to see eachother as friend, what if we both fix what was going on in our lives, could it combe back? But you know what, im not holding on to that, if it does? Cool, if not we'll be healed and hopefully able to have evenings of playing board games with all our friends again. (Before you tell me friends is impossible, we work togetger, we do the same job, same place but different building, so I dont see her everyday. She also has a son 13y that misses me and I want to stay in his life, and he would love me to be there. She even told me she loves me as a friend, though after my 2 texting episode, i might've pushed her back a bit, I think she's understanding im hurt and that it was driven by emotions, im not a fool either, if I hang out and I realize im flirty, ill know im not ready yet, and she even told she'd tell me)
That being said, its easy to type that you're positive for the future. And writing this is very liberating. But what can I do/should I do when Im stuck in bed, or on the couch, my mind running wild? I am living my emotions to the fullest, I am not bottling up stuff, I cried my fair share, but what can be done to get back in a state of wanting to do something? To get interest back? To play online games w/ my friends and feeling like I want to? I understand 2 weeks is short, that time heals all wounds, and 1 day at the time, in another 2 weeks, ill be most likely better than now, and another 2 weks later probably even more.
Tl;dr im a mess, first breakup from 3y relationship, i broke no contact twice in 1 weeks (once per week) cause emotions and brain imagining things I know arent real. Trouble finding motivation/ways to move on and heal. We want to remain friends, but we need to both heal first.
Edit : thanks all for the kind word, and the tips. I will go no contact, I wont sabotage myself. I will be strong. If do I want a friendship at the very least with this person, I will have to heal myself, and I will do just that. I will give myself time, and I wont do the first contact, if she does do it, then I will assess the situation, and I wont jump back on it right away.
Submitted September 25, 2021 at 05:23AM by Noktawr https://ift.tt/3CLUAzv
No comments:
Post a Comment