I have always been an avid reader in this community but never imagined I would be posting here myself. I'm not an expert at storytelling so you'll have to bear with me.
I'll start with a bit of background information that I believe will help to understand the situation. My boyfriend (20M) and I (20M) have been in a long distance relationship due to college. However, we've been on winter break (~ 2 months) for the past month and a half. I believe we've seen each other a total of 4 times since the break began. I have a week before my classes start and he leaves the week after that.
My boyfriend has never been a big fan of going out, or in the case of our relationship, dates. He'd rather lay in bed on his phone, work on things on his laptop, or play games. This has been especially true since we've been back home.
Once both of our classes finished we didn't hang out for the first two weeks. I didn't think much of it I just thought we were both tired from classes and some individual time would be good. But after those initial two weeks, he would come over to my house to hangout some day in the weekend. Usually the day would begin with me picking him up from his house (he doesn't drive) in the morning and driving back to my house. When we would get to my house we would end up having sex and cuddling. Then in the afternoon I would take him back to his house. That has been our weekly norm for the past three weeks until this weekend.
Wednesday afternoon he mentioned to me that one of his mother's sisters from Mexico had passed away from COVID. He told me he didn't know her but he was sad to see his mom cry and a bit after that, I fell asleep.
A bit more info before I delve deeper. I am an emotional person, so I enjoy giving and receiving affection, and love going out and seeing my boyfriend. My boyfriend on the other hand not so much. I believe he's a bit apathetic at times when it comes to our relationship. He doesn't really care about that stuff I mentioned, he hates the ideas of dates or really going out (other than to my house). At the beginning of our relationship I was a very loving person, and would plan dates or get him random gifts of affection during his birthday or Christmas. I've stopped that since I could tell he didn't really enjoy any of that stuff and would never reciprocate my feelings for those kinds of things. For example, this Christmas he didn't get me anything and wouldn't accept the present I got him. I didn't really care about receiving anything but it did hurt me that he told me to keep my present. So as a result, I've changed during our relationship quite a bit. I'm not really as lovey as I would want to be and feel like I've just been complacent with the affection he shows me when he comes over to my house.
Back to the matter at hand. It was a given that he would come over some day in the weekends. But as this weekend approached he hadn't mentioned anything so Friday afternoon I asked him if he was coming over. He told me he didn't think it was appropriate, even if it was the two of us he thought of it as courtesy. I told him okay and he told me that he hopes I understand. I told him I did but mentioned to him how my classes start next week and that I'd see him one more time before we would have to do long distance for another four months, and told him I was sad. He told me it would be okay and told me that I have my cat to console me. I thought he'd have more to say than that like hanging out some day during the week since I did let him know that I was sad he wouldn't be able to come over. But he didn't, just said that I have my cat to console me. So I told him that it was easy for him to say.
A bit after that I mentioned to him how he usually doesn't plan or ask me to do anything, and that why I feel like I'm the only one that cares about seeing one another and that I wish he showed some initiation. This isn't the first time I had brought this up. I had mentioned this issue a few weeks earlier. I had told him how I didn't feel like the person I used to be at the beginning of the relationship and it made me sad thinking about it. I explained how I didn't mention going out, dates, or wanting more affection since I knew he didn't enjoy any of that stuff. I also mentioned how I was the one who usually texted first and any times we would see one another was because I would ask (little things, but it makes me feel one sided). I explained how I wish he showed more initiative to do things in our relationship. He told me he listened and comforted me. I thought he understood and that it maybe meant he would want to hangout/go on a date that wasn't my house.
That wasn't the case. After I brought up that issue again we argued. He told me that at this point the weekend has been established and that we're sure as hell not going on dates nowhere (his words). He said he doesn't see where the initiation would need to come in if we can't do anything outside and that we already had the weekend thing going on. He was right, we've seen each other a grand total of 4 times (3 were him coming over and 1 when I asked him to accompany me to target since it was near his house). I told him how if it were up to me, I could think of things to do although we were in a pandemic and mentioned a few of them.
To sum up his point (which he numbered for me through text as I will for you guys) in his exact words:
- I'm poor
- We're living in a pandemic (US)
- We have different relationships with our family (don't really know why he mentioned this)
- Adding to that you're not leaving home (my classes are online this semester) so you don't lose any time with them when you're with me and probably don't share the same sentiment of guilt and sadness that the clock is ticking
- I've been working on the dumb applications (he's been working on internship applications for a few places)
He went on to say that there's too many factors for him to care about going out or dates and said he's content with weekend because the biggest thing when we're long distance is that we aren't near each other and can't hold each other. He also mentioned that we're in the closet so he wouldn't feel comfortable holding me in public. I don't really know why he mentioned that since I never said we would have to be publicly affectionate or anything like that, and we've never been one of those openly affectionate couples in public and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing those things either since I'm in the closet too. My idea of going out or dates would be going out to eat , having a target run, normal things, I just wanted to spend more time with him and feel like he actually loves me enough to put in more effort than just feeling like a weekend hookup with a side of cuddling afterwards.
Towards the end he told me it just wasn't the time and that I was being bratty.
He said he understood that I was feeling hurt but to consider the whole picture. That why should we spend precious time outside when we can be on my bed hugging. He said "??? This is why those tweets and Instagram Reddit quotes and couple pictures always get on my fucking nerves. We're not a heterosexual couple who has that liberty." For context, once every blue moon (and I mean very rarely) I would show him on my phone cute things couple do or did that I would find really cute such as cute dates (picnics or something), engagements, or holiday gifts, etc.
That was basically the argument. He said it was bad taste for me to bring that up and he was annoyed. He also said even though I was sad hes not responsible for anybody's feelings but his own.
That was on Friday. We haven't talked since then. I'm usually the one that texts first but I just don't feel comfortable reaching out since it just reminds me of the argument and makes me sad. I feel like he always makes me feel like he's in the right and that I'm in the wrong, which I mentioned during the argument but he said that I'm wrong in this situation, and that there's more important things to worry about.
I've summarized a lot here but it was like an hour long text argument.
I don't feel like I was wrong to bring up how I wasn't happy that we barely saw one another during the break, and wished he was more open to/would plan more than just coming to my house. What should I do?
I'm open to any advice or questions and will read all the comments. I would really appreciate anyone and everyone's advice.
TL;DR - I only saw my long distance boyfriend four times during our winter break (~ 2 months) and told him I wish he would have shown more initiative in our relationship. He got mad/annoyed with me and told me there's more important things to worry about.
Submitted January 24, 2021 at 05:55PM by throwRAunsure2934 https://ift.tt/3c74npK
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