My (31f) boyfriend (36m) is a total jerk in the morning, and today he really topped his own jerkish behavior.

This is incredibly long, and for that I apologize.

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over three years and have lived together most of that time. For about nine months, last year into this year, I moved out and lived about 1.5hr away due to a job I took in another city. During this time, we rarely ever argued. The pandemic happened and after months of barely scraping by, I lost my place and moved back into our apartment with him. Ever since then, it’s been a disaster every single morning.

He has (untreated) Bipolar Disorder, ADHD and PTSD, which causes his raging anxiety and mood swings. I am always the brunt end of this, but am compassionate and empathetic, since I’ve been the person with MH issues and no means of treating them. He works his ass off but doesn’t have insurance. He’s doing his best, in that regard. However, every single morning when he wakes up, it’s like a switch has been flipped. He is absolutely awful to me. If I am awake when he wakes up, I will get yelled at for something, no matter what I do to try to avoid it. I’ve taken to pretending I’m asleep in an attempt to lessen these outbursts, but sometimes he is loud and obnoxious until I finally “wake up” and then he dives right in. Usually, it’s small shit: I left the (fake) Christmas tree lights on, and “he isn’t paying to keep them lit all winter.” (I finally put a stop to this by showing him search results citing it costs pennies to keep 100 mini-LED lights on 24/7 for the entire season.) I didn’t move my sweatshirt from the couch to the bedroom, so he throws it on the bedroom floor. The cat shit on the carpet, which is somehow my fault. Most of the time, I didn’t do anything at all, and he directs his anger at me anyway. I’ve done some research and found this is a common issue in people with ADHD and/or Bipolar Disorder. I’ve had countless discussions with him, saying I cannot take many more mornings like this. I’ve told him I will have to get my own place, again, if it continues. We’ve recently agreed on not speaking before he leaves for work, and the last several mornings went fine that way. Today, I didn’t even wake up when he left. I felt so relieved when I heard him go out the door and realized we hadn’t fought this morning!

Imagine my surprise and RAGE when I went into the bedroom (I had fallen asleep on the couch) and found he removed the two cups and a candle I had left on our little bedside wall-mounted shelf and put them DIRECTLY NEXT TO my iMac on my desk, setting the candle on TOP of the keyboard. One of the cats jumped up with impeccable timing as I opened the door and saw the cups, knocking over a glass of water and spilling it ALL over my keyboard and computer base. It all happened so fast and I saw red. Anger is a very uncomfy feeling for me. We usually don’t argue unless he’s gone off on me and I snap back. I drop things very quickly and move on while he holds onto resentment and a shitty mood for hours. I know this is just one way we’re different, and that’s usually okay. This time, I sent him an angry voice message. I said,

“Baby, I understand that I have a bad habit of leaving cups on the shelf by the bed, and I will make a conscious effort to stop doing that immediately. I know it’s annoying and it bothers you. However, you had absolutely no excuse for removing those cups and a candle and putting them directly next to my brand new $1300 computer, while also setting a candle down on top of the keyboard! Why would you do that? What point were you trying to make? You could have just as well set them all down in the middle of the kitchen counter and I would’ve seen them immediately and understood why they were there. Instead, you put cups with liquid in them right next to my brand new computer where the cats could knock them over, and that’s exactly what happened. A cat knocked over a glass of water all over my computer. I am exchanging this computer this week and if it has water damage I will lose the money and the computer that I need for my new job. I understand why you removed them from the shelf but I do not understand why you put them there. I am very angry with you right now, but I will get over this. I love you, have a good day.“

He immediately responded with texts saying, “fuck,” “I didn’t mean for that to happen,” “fuck,” “I am so sorry, I closed the bedroom door and everything,” “I am really so sorry.” I told him I’d get over it, I’d cleaned it up and the computer/keyboard is still working, but I’m still angry at his thoughtlessness. His anxiety kicked in and he asked me if he needs to delay coming home from work so I can be angry. I told him again that I will get over it quickly and he can obviously come home.

My question is, does anybody have any advice on how to get him the help he needs for his anger, passive aggressiveness, and straight up aggressiveness? Up until this pandemic I was working in the mental health field and had access to all sorts of resources. I have used that knowledge and experience to try and find him help but have failed. I love him, flaws and all. I love him without conditions. I also know he loves me, and aside from 20 or so minutes in the morning, he treats me very well, makes it clear that he appreciates me, and does not usually get so angry at me. However, the morning routine has gotten so bad that it’s ruined my sleep and caused me great anxiety surrounding waking up. Due to this I often can’t sleep for the last three hours or so before his alarm goes off, and as soon as I hear his alarm I panic. In addition to that, on the mornings that are really bad and I fight back, I spend the entire day anxious about his coming home. I don’t know what to do. I do not want to break up with him or give up on our relationship. We have seriously discussed living separately again while he gets help, but that would not be possible for another several months. I’m at a loss and need supportive words and empathy.

TL;DR My boyfriend has anger issues that really come out when he first wakes up. This morning, he put cups of water right next to my computer (removing them from our bedside shelf to make a point about me leaving them there, and putting them somewhere I’d immediately see them). A cat knocked one over, spilling water all over my new computer. I’m angry and hurt, which I expressed to him in a way I felt was healthy. He apologized. I am still quite upset and am not sure how to better address these issues.

Edit: to those suggesting I move out now/move in with a friend, unfortunately, I cannot move in with a friend. My closest friend in the area is moving out of state next month, and she wouldn’t have been an option anyway. She is an emergency room nurse and we are still in the middle of a pandemic. I am immunocompromised/chronically ill and have essentially been quarantined since March. It would not be safe for me to find roommates to live with, assuming that they work out of the home or go out and do other things socially. The new job I was just offered that I am starting next month is work from home, and that is the only reason I was able to accept it. I had been unemployed since early into the pandemic and used all of my savings to get me through, until a month or so ago when I finally ran out of money. It will be several months before I am able to save up what I would need to get my own place, which I briefly mentioned above. I have already come to terms with the fact that moving out is my best option, though I plan to continue working on the relationship with the condition that he find a way to get help. I am just hoping that I can come up with resources for him before then.

Edit: I have decided I will certainly be moving out. This will not be financially possible for a few months. There simply is not anywhere else for me to go, or him, for that matter, which I’ve explained. I want to leave, and I will. When I make a plan I follow through. Unfortunately, 2020 has made any other way of handling this more quickly absolutely unavailable to me. I really appreciate all of the advice, concern and compassion.

Edit: it’s a very touchy subject, but I cannot have children. I had a total hysterectomy at 26, and a bilateral oophorectomy at 29, so the possibility of kids being brought into the scenario isn’t one any of you need worry about.

Submitted December 24, 2020 at 05:19AM by FoxyFreckles1989 https://ift.tt/34IyO0R