My (26f) boyfriend (23m) has feelings for his roommate (22f) and wants to pursue them while still maintaining our relationship (non-monogamy/polyamory)

I don't know where to start. Last week, my boyfriend told me he and his roommate were getting closer to each other and had started to cuddle (this had happened gradually and he has told me once they started lightly cuddling and we talked about it again when they cuddled more closely). He then told me that he has feelings for her and he would like to pursue these feelings, while he claims this has nothing to do with his love for me and doesn't change how he feels for me and shouldn't affect our relationship. He told me he wanted to know what I thought about it and I think I told him that I don't want him to pursue it. Yesterday, he told me that they've kissed now and I can't help but feel hurt by it even though he told me beforehand. I am of the opinion that I've told him I don't want him to sleep with her especially since she's his roommate. He said that we've talked about it throughout our relationship and I think we did, but I kind of pushed it away because I have this need for a partnership. We've of course always talked about our idea that a relationship doesn't have to be monogamous and that there's always the possibility of one of us having needs outside of our relationship. Yes, we have talked about it. But as I'm confronted with the concrete possibility of it I can't help but feel so hurt by the thought that he does not want to refrain from pursuing this other relationship.

Yesterday, we fought about it and I screamed my feelings at him and we both cried and while we cried, I felt so close to him and I felt fear of the idea of losing him and I know that I love him. I need to talk about it but I kind of don't have anyone I trust enough to talk to about this at the moment, as I don't really form close platonic bonds with people due to not having friends when I was younger. For him, this has always been different, and I always accepted and even admired that.

I always kind of knew that our sexual needs and our needs for human contact kind of differed. I am a kind of person that kind of (maybe slightly unhealthily) focuses her love on one primary person and the other people I love are kind of secondary to me. While he has several friends that he loves and he has physical closeness with (in the form of cuddling).

But now I'm suddenly confronted with the fact that he has feelings for someone who I thought he had a kind of "bro" relationship with. And apparently she reciprocates his feelings. And as they are living together, it would be hard for him to not have contact. And the thing is that she's really good for him and I like (liked?) her very much too, but now it's just so hard for me to accept that I'm not the only one for him, even though I've always known that.

Basically I'm on here looking for advice on what to do, what to feel. How do I be ok with that, how do I internalize the idea that his feelings for someone don't affect his feelings (his love) for me? I know it makes sense, but I know I am kind of possessive towards him and I know it's not healthy to be so focused on one person, but that's kind of what I've learned from my childhood. He says I'm still his primary partner and he loves me very much but I just can't help but be afraid of being replaced. Why does he have to have feelings for someone else? Why does he have to pursue them? It hurts so much, I just don't understand. Please help.

Tl;dr My boyfriend has feelings for his roommate, which he says has nothing to do with his love for me. I know he loves me, but it still hurts and I feel like we cannot fulfill each other's needs.

Submitted December 02, 2020 at 02:34AM by riesamee https://ift.tt/3lytrXA