How do I (36f) get rid of feeling painfully lonely? How do i ignore baby fever? How do i ignore the feeling of needing romance?

I'm chronically ill and can't work. Got sick when I was 20 (mid thirties now). I'm pretty much disabled but you wouldn't be able to tell by looking at me, which almost makes it worse. I can't work or do much of anything. I manage to get out of bed to feed myself at that causes so much agony that I go right back to bed again.

I'm very lucky that parents are well off and pay for my apartment, groceries to be delivered, place cleaned etc, but they don't visit. They are busy with my brother and sisters and all the grandkids. My siblings don't visit or call. I can't go out because of my health, especially now because of covid. I think the last time I left the apartment was over two years ago.

Anyways, I find myself horribly depressed and always yearning for an impossible life. One with friends (they all disappeared when I got sick). I watch movies and women always seem to have a lot of girlfriends to laugh with. I can't remember the last time I even talked talked to someone that wasn't through the internet or my mother texting me to make sure I'm not dead. I don't remember the last time I laughed.

I've wanted a husband and especially a child since I can remember. I find as I get older these feelings get worse and worse and worse. I wouldn't be able to take care of a dog, let alone a child. No man could ever want me. I tried when I was younger. Nobody wants someone who is too ill to do anything and is mostly bedridden.

I dream about someone holding me. Loving me. Telling me I'm important and cherished. But I'm stuck always reminding myself that's impossible. I do have an imaginary boyfriend. I call him Derek. I know he's not real, but he's the only person I have to talk to. I pretend when I talk out loud he talks back. I pretend at night that he holds me while I cry, that he runs his fingers through my hair, etc. I have him whisper all sorts of sweet things into my ear.

It's just hard because more than anything I want it to be real, I want him or someone like him to be real. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want the dream life of a husband, a house, and a bunch of kids running around. I want to travel and experience all sorts of things.

None of this can ever happen, so even more than that I wish I could turn my feelings off. Any tips or tricks to do just that? It feels like torture always wanting what I can't have.

Tldr: I just want to get rid of my emotions. I want to be numb. How?

Submitted December 01, 2020 at 09:43PM by lonliloser https://ift.tt/2I4ShRq