38F, issue for 6 years
I LOVE to cook and bake. I love anything crafty and hands on: gardening, sewing, crafts, etc. I’m basically a Martha Stewart. If you left me alone for a year, I’d come up with a million things to do to keep me busy. My desire to do these things is what drives me. I get a lot of happiness doing these things and I feel proud that I created something with my own hands. I indulge in these things more than your average mom or wife. As a result, my family takes a back seat and then the guilt builds up inside that I didn’t give them enough time. At the end of the day, when I’m lying in bed, I replay the day in my head and cry about how I didn’t play with my son. The next day, the same cycle begins again and I do nothing to improve on it.
I work a full time 9-5 office job and in the evenings I have my daily cooking/cleanup duties. My husband helps with all of the housework, but by the time we r done with dinner, dishes, etc. it’s 8p and I am so exhausted that I just like to sit and watch tv or be on my phone until it’s time to put my son to bed. A good mom would play with her kid, read him books, and makeup for the lost time during the day. But I am not a good mom. I sit there on the couch and watch tv. My son’s idea of play involves physical activity: hide and seek, cops and robbers, build a fort etc. But i just don’t have the physical stamina to do those. If he wanted to play a board game, puzzle, or something quiet, i would be down, but those things don’t interest him. A voice inside me says i should forget how tired i am and just play with him, but i ignore that voice. I sit there on the couch and give myself the mental break. Then I do the nighttime routine and put my son to bed and often fall asleep with him.
This leaves 0 time for my husband and I.
Be a good employee. Give time to your husband. Give time to your kid. Do something for yourself. - like WTF, how do I do all this shit?
I have been failing as a mom and husband for the past 6 years. And over that time I’ve just become numb and only find happiness in the things I’m passionate about. On any given day, I conjure up all the new recipes i want to make and things i want to do. I would LOVE to have my own bakery, but the funny thing is, after 5 hours standing in the kitchen I feel like I ran a marathon. I don’t have the physical strength to sustain a business of my own, but in the dream la la land in my head I think I can do everything.
I always feel the grass is greener on the other side until I get a reality check and realize it really isn’t. Yet the same thoughts cycle through my head over and over.
But if I put my passion on the back burner, then I don’t feel there is any joy left anymore.
I bought my son into this world, as an only child, and I owe it to him to be a sibling, friend, and mom. But why can’t I get myself to be those things to him? Why am I putting my own needs ahead of my family’s?
I don’t know if any of you relate to this, but I feel like a loser just typing all this. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this, and when I do talk, I just burst into tears because my body is just bursting with guilt and shame.
TL;DR! I don’t know how to be a mother and wife and still do the things I love like cooking and baking.
Submitted December 05, 2020 at 09:47AM by lavenderlove18 https://ift.tt/2JPTIUq
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