Want my cheating ex girlfriend gone from my life, but she is pregnant with my child and keeps pressuring me. Feel stuck on how to proceed.

Hello, I'm stuck and could really use advice. I (31M) recently broke up with my girlfriend (32F). I loved her, and can honestly say I did everything for her. We were together for around a year. We live on different continents, but whenever I got the chance I went to see her and flew halfway across the world for her. I can work remotely part of the time so I would just take my laptop and visit her, working and relaxing and enjoying my time with her. But I did have to return home for work regularly, making the relationship a long distance one. We were making plans to live together. I was taking care of the paperwork so she could come live with me later this year. We were talking about marriage and were open to having a baby together this year or next year. If she would fall pregnant, the baby was very welcome, especially since we are both at the age we are ready for it.

This all crumbled last time I went to visit her. After 1 to 2 weeks being with her I developed symptoms of an STD (genital herpes) for the first time in my life. Since I thought we were in an exclusive relationship, this sparked suspicion and I investigated. Well, I found out she did cheat on me. Apparently, up until recently, she was also in a long term relationship with another guy. The other guy didn't know about my existence. So she dated the both of us at the same time, and had eventually decided I was the one she wanted to keep dating. By the time I found out, she had in fact broken up with the other guy since 2 months. But she did definitely meet with him and sleep with him when I was already together with her. So she did cheat on both me and the other guy. But he got dumped (quite violently, he was crushed) and she chose me. He never found out she cheated though. But I did.

So this girl I loved had cheated on me, cheated on another guy, and had given me herpes. I confronted her, and she initially denied everything. She just kept lying, but I had undeniable evidence and eventually she did confess to some things. She said the other relationship was not that serious and not going anywhere, and that she had chosen to be with me.

Well, I left her. I had been cheated on before by a long term partner and it had crushed me. She knew this. She knew how important loyalty and honesty are in a relationship to me. And I told her I have very strong values about only having children when you can offer them a stable home. I would hate having children growing up in a broken home. I just want a loving partner and a happily ever after, without having to feel unsafe in my relationship. Anyhow, she knew I feel very strongly about this. We had a big fight, I told her she should take the morning-after pill because we had unprotected sex up until the point I found out she was cheating. I thought we were in a loving and dedicated relationship and a baby was welcome, until I found out I was being cheated on. I told her she had to really prevent getting pregnant in this situation.

So I left and flew back home. I wanted nothing to do with her anymore. But she didn't take the morning after pill and 2 weeks later found out she got pregnant! I'm so furious about the way she completely betrayed and crushed my values (that I want honesty and loyalty in a relationship, and that I only want children if I can offer them a stable home in a stable relationship). I'm so extremely angry that she brought a child into this situation. And now she is using the child to try to bind me to her. She expects me to still marry her. She has informed her family and she and her family 'expect me to take responsibility'. Probably they want me to marry her since I got her pregnant. Or at the very least they want me to support her and the children financially.

I feel like I cannot trust her. I have seen her true colors, how she lies and manipulates. Her family and friends of course only hear her side of the story.

I feel like this relationship was not consensual. If I had known the truth, I would not have been with her. I feel like I was set up and scammed. This is not what I signed up for. I wanted a family with a loving girl, who comes and lives with me, who respects me, and to do our very best to be wonderful parents together. She ruined this.

I'm afraid to go back to where she lives, my ex has 7 brothers and they only know her side of the story. The fact that they 'expect me to take responsibility' is very problematic to me. I think it might not be safe for me to even go back there. I just want this toxic and manipulative woman out of my life. Besides visiting her I don't have a reason to visit her country.

Part of me is still concerned for her well-being. She is in a bad situation financially, having lost her job a couple months ago due to COVID 19. She has very little income and already has a son from a previous relationship. She is a single mother, pregnant with her second child, without income and the father of her new baby wants nothing to do from her.

She has told me she is depressed and doesn't know what to do. She hopes that for the sake of this child I will still marry her. When I make it clear I don't want to marry her or be with her after what happened, she accuses me of being selfish and not thinking about the future of the child.

She is in a really bad situation and is now looking at me for help. I told her she should look for someone else to build a future with if she really wants to marry, and that she should learn from her past behavior and treat a future partner with love and respect.

I also really don't know how to feel about this child. Since she is a known cheater there is a chance it's not mine. But still it is very likely it is mine, since she did break up with and hadn't seen the other boyfriend since 2 months when she conceived (this is confirmed). But maybe she did have sex with other guys, I do know for a fact she was back on her dating apps the same day I broke up with her and I was on my way to the airport (I checked). But it's very likely the child is mine due to how frequently we were together during her ovulation window (I know her exact ovulation schedule, as I said, a baby was welcome).

I don't see myself co-parenting with this woman. I hate how she betrayed me, how irresponsible she is by becoming pregnant, I hate how she treated me, how she treated her other boyfriend, how she manipulates and lies to everyone to control the story. Also it costs $1000+ and 20 hours air travel to get there, so I have no idea how co-parenting would work. She doesn't have the money for flight tickets anyhow. Also, it might not be safe for me to go there. I also refuse to just serve as an ATM for the next 20 years while a child of mine is being raised by someone like her. My repulsion for giving her money lays in the fact I was occasionally helping her out financially, and I found out her other boyfriend was doing the same. I found out she asked both of us for money to help her out with her rent and transportation costs at one point. In a way I feel she was scamming me. And now she wants to scam me for the next 18 years to come, using an innocent baby to accomplish this. Using this baby to pressure me emotionally to take care of her.

I have considered if I should fight for full custody if it turns out this child is mine. I'm alone though, work 70 hours a week (have my own company), so I don't know how to take care of a kid without a loving partner by my side. I really didn't want to bring a kid into the world in this situation. I feel conned. I'm extremely stuck. I also don't know what is in the best interest of the child. Why are people this shitty? I'm stuck between wanting to help my ex, since I do feel sorry for her in a way and her life is a mess (which will greatly affect the children), but at the same time I am furious and want her gone from my life. I'm done with dealing with toxic and abusive people and I don't want them to force themselves into my life. Still, there is part of me that wants to know she is doing alright. My feelings are continuously shifting between me wanting her and the baby to be alright, and me hating her and wanting her gone from my life. Having the constant herpes flare-ups also don't help and maybe cloud my judgment as they make me resent her. Very tiring. Some concrete advice on how to coop?

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TL;DR: My ex girlfriend who lives halfway across the world cheated on me, gave me an STD and really stomped on my values. I want her gone from my life, as I cannot trust her. Found out she is pregnant with my child just after leaving her, and she keeps contacting me and pressuring me to 'take responsibility'. How should I proceed in my relationship with her? I feel sorry for her but at the same time I refuse being manipulated again.

Submitted July 04, 2020 at 01:55PM by botsE8 https://ift.tt/2BGY10i