I went on holiday and met the girl of my dreams and we got engaged. It became extremely toxic and abusive and I'm struggling to get over it.

Throwaway because my ex knows my handle, and she's still stalking me. Also bear with me, this is a long one.

I (29M) went on holiday to South America 3 years ago with my best friend (27M) for 2 weeks. I live in Europe. During my holiday, I met a girl called D (27F) at a bar and we totally hit it off. Us 3 quickly became great friends, and spent the rest of the holiday together. D and I developed feelings for each other on the first night, and immediately started dating throughout the holiday. It felt so organic and natural. This was honestly one of the best holidays of my life.

I start to get to know D, and she lets me know that she's actually moving to Europe. I was shocked and confused, but she showed me the official government documentation as she needed help translating something, and so obviously this was happening. She’s was doing a year abroad as part of a program. I started to realize that this relationship can continue once we're both back in Europe, and it doesn't need to end as just a holiday relationship. I was extremely happy.

So during my holiday with my friend and having met D, we continued hanging out, the three of us, for the entirety of the trip. I invited her along with us to for a monument visit. It was an amazing day. A rain cloud came and it was raining and we had to hide under a tree. I kissed her in that moment and it was amazing. The rest of the holiday, the three of us would just do the usual holiday things; eat, drink, beach, sports, cave diving, etc. It was great. We had breakfast together for the last time, before my friend and I headed to airport.

We hugged, and said goodbye. It was surreal, we weren't sure if we were gonna see each other again. We continued dating virtually for the next 4 months, until she moved to Europe, and I picked her up at the airport. I was over the moon, this person showed me their country, and now it was my turn to share my love for my city. D lived in a town outside of mine, where she lived with a family for a year, and commuted regularly by train, every weekend, to my city and stay with me, and we would enjoy each other's company.

I fell in love with this person like never before, and started picturing my future with her. My love for her developed, as I helped her get established in the country. I was also completely lost in the fairy tale romance story; we met abroad on holiday, fall madly in love, by sheer luck, she's moving to my country. I thought this was serendipity, how could everything line up so perfectly. I doubled down, and as we continued to date, I started dropping hints about possibly proposing to her at some point and she seemed keen. I bought her a designer ring that was slightly larger, so I could figure out her ring size. She loved the gift, and I knew my ring size for the engagement ring. I contacted a local jeweler who helped me smith a classic Tiffany style ring with a 0.5 carat diamond and white gold. I was really happy with the ring, it was perfect.

I started planning a trip to a European city of love and I was going to propose to her. I hired a photographer. It was cheesy as hell and hilarious. She was completely shocked and over the moon. We were both so happy and continued having a wonderful trip in the city, eating and drinking and celebrating for a long weekend.

After she finished her year contract as a live-in nanny, she moved in with me to my city. She would be able to stay with me and receive a permit for a partnership. Everything was just going perfectly. She moved in, I was very excited because I would spend all my time with her now, and some of the issues in the relationship could be worked on, as there were some struggles since we only saw each other on weekends.

Well, I was extremely wrong. I was blinded by love and infatuation, that I failed to correctly address and spot the abnormal amount of red flags. This was my first serious relationship in a decade, and I was obviously rusty.

Unfortunately, this is where the magic, fairy tale and happiness in the story ends. D turned out to exhibit patterns of abusive behavior. D cannot communicate, it's a skill she doesn't have. Any time there was an argument (usually started from a misunderstanding), D would get extremely mad at me, and then stop talking to me. I'm not saying saying there is a language barrier, she speaks perfect English, but she literally can't talk and shuts down completely. Any time the topic was revisited, she would exhibit the same exact behavior like clockwork. This meant we never truly discussed anything.

She would frequently give me the silent treatment, lock herself up in our bedroom and scream at me to get out and stop talking to her. I would carefully and very calmly try to explain what happened, because in most scenarios I was just confused. I'm a communicative person, it's fundamental to discuss everything sincerely and openly, so both people can be on the same page at all times.

She would frequently just up and leave me in public, during dinners and just start walking away, turning off her phone, and then I wouldn't be able to find her anymore. Feeling lost, I'd usually go home and stare at my phone excessively till I heard from her (I was worried about her).

She would frequently reveal extremely private parts of our life with my colleagues and friends, even when I SPECIFICALLY remind her multiple times beforehand, such as a work event. I'd ask her to please not discuss our private life with my work colleagues as it's completely unprofessional and doesn't need to be discussed.

She did exactly that. It caused a rift between my and my colleague as she felt uncomfortable after that. D had spoken to her and subtly threatened her that I belong to her. I tried talking to my colleague, but she needed space. She got the space, we discussed it in detail and we're closer than ever again (she's my friend outside of work too).

I do understand the irony of my detailed post on Reddit as I'm writing this out.

She would frequently invade my privacy and ask me to justify my actions. She would make me open my chats and texts, as she was suspecting me of perhaps cheating on her. This is an insecurity of her’s which is also the reason I proposed to her, to show her that I'm totally serious and am in love with her, but the insecurity remained even after. D doesn't love herself, and has a lot of issues with her self-esteem and confidence due to her history as a child (I won't elaborate any further on her life and this will remain private). She asked me for my Reddit handle, even though I felt uncomfortable sharing it. Not because I was hiding something, but because I didn't like the fact that I HAD to hand it over, as if she would open it up and immediately find all the women I'm cheating with, where is the trust? I ended up having to delete my previous post on my other account asking for help on a different issue, out of fear that she will misinterpret it, and cause a massive argument.

I was just terrified of her exploding at any point, it was a constant anxiety of mine.

I met her parents and they met mine. I invited her parents over to stay at my place and I'll show them my city. Her mom thanked me by stealing a framed picture of D and I that I received as a birthday gift from D. I was confused as to where it had gone but her mom eventually apologized to me over the phone. This information is irrelevant, but hilarious, so I wanted to mention it.

I ignored all of this. I would constantly research online on how to communicate effectively. I bought her a book on communication 'Non-violent communication'. I tried to help her in any way I can, and was determined to make it work. I tried to understand cultural differences. I video called her sister in South America, asking her for help on how I can effectively communicate with D. She mentions this has always been a problem.

I continued treating her with respect and caving to her demands. I gave her space when we got into arguments and let her cool off until she was ready to talk to me, but we would never speak about anything. She would just get mad, walk away, and then argument is left unresolved and never talked about again. Even if I tried to slightly hint at it a few days later, her attitude would shift immediately into aggression and I would get scared to further talk about it, in order to keep the peace.

The arguments went from frequent, to constant. I wasn't happy, I hate arguing and just general negativity.

I'm usually positive and easy going. This really started festering over the 2 years, and just before our 2nd year anniversary of the day we met, it all started going downhill, and fast.

We got into an argument because she misinterpreted something I said, it was late in the evening, and we had a fair bit to drink. The argument exploded as she was furiously yelling at me, and me trying to calm her down and resolving the issue. Like always, nothing; she shut down and ran into the room telling me to fuck off. I decided this time I'm not gonna let her just shut it down, and I continued pressing her that this is not normal and we have to address this right now, I'm sick of you constantly running away and NEVER resolving one single issue.

Oops, shouldn't have done that. She went completely red and started attacking me verbally, and soon after, punched me in the face, multiple times, and multiple times all over my body. I was in shock and couldn't speak, walked out of the room. I passed out on the couch. I woke up with bruises in the morning, and had to lie at work about how I got them when people noticed them (it was spring and scorching hot). I felt completely humiliated. Why am I lying for someone's gross acts and protecting them. I couldn't fathom how you can hit someone you supposedly love. She used the phrase "you made me do it by pushing me to talk". I was low-key happy to hear those words, because I just basically won the abusive partner bingo.

This is the moment my heart completely broke. I realized in that moment, that this person wasn't for me. My feelings changed completely and I didn't feel the same anymore. For the next 2 weeks I wouldn't speak to her, only the bare necessities about food/schedules, and when we slept next to each other, any advances she made I asked her politely to leave me alone. She did.

I was starting to plan how I'm gonna get myself out of this. We booked a trip to South America for 3 weeks in May, and that would be the perfect time for her to leave and I can say goodbye. We did reconcile the relationship slightly, but I was definitely not in it anymore, and I was clueless on how I was going to handle this.

She obviously noticed my feelings had changed. Late April, she says she wants to break up with me and it's not working anymore. Music to my ears, I don't fight her on it and am glad she also made the same decision. It was rough and emotional. She grabbed some things and moved out and stayed with a family she was working for.

The next couple weeks, we kept chatting back and forth about small things, and conversation about trying again. They didn't really amount to anything obviously. She left, and I was alone and I could finally start healing again.

I blocked D off of everything, all social media, I blocked her email, her number, anything to avoid contact, as much as possible. It was great, I felt so liberated.

So here I am, it's been roughly 14 months since I've been single, other than a couple flings, and am still getting over her. You're probably wondering why post about it now.

Well, D continued living in my city since then, she continued sending text messages and emails, and I ignored all of them. She decided that, me blocking her off of everything wasn't a very clear message that I do not want contact with her. She decides to make a fake instagram account and hit me up. This account had no activity or followers, used a fake name, and its sole purpose was obviously to snoop on me. She disrespected and violated my very clear message that I don't want any contact with her.

And I, like a dumb horny dog, took the bait, finally. I unblocked her and we caught up for a bit. I was already rolling my eyes at the fake facade she was putting up, explaining how happy she is. We don't talk for a few days. I decide I'll message her and see if she wants to hang out to catch up. Not the smartest idea, I know.

Well, as soon as she got my attention and I opened up, she got her power back, and now I'm being ghosted. I'm utterly confused. I thought okay, maybe a meeting will help me resolve some feelings that I still harbor, and she was obviously going out of her way to get my attention. But it was only for that, attention. I sent her a voice clip several hours ago, explaining how confusing this is, and it would be great to have some clarification. I'm being ghosted again.

I understand that the tone of this post is one sided and puts me as the victim as I’m not providing her point of view, but that’s truly because I do not understand her point of view, so I don’t want to make any assumptions about her rationale. I only have my own point of view and how I experienced the relationship. Please let me know if I can elaborate on anything to provide more context and perspective.

I don't want D to exist in my life anymore. I'm tired of thinking about her. It's exhausting.

So I decided perhaps if I write this all out and get some outside perspective, it will help with moving on. I'm not sure how to wrap this post up; but basically, I want to stop thinking about her. I'm tired.

Tl;dr - I met a girl on holiday, fell madly in love, proposed to her, moved in with her while ignoring clear red flags that the relationship was doomed. we broke up, and she made contact through a fake account and got my attention. I gave her the attention and now I'm being ghosted again. I don't want to think about her anymore.

Submitted July 01, 2020 at 10:00AM by throw-heartbroken https://ift.tt/2YNyImc