My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years. Everything happened pretty quickly and we have been living together for well over a year. Our relationship has issues but it isn’t terrible. We’re both in our mid 20s so we’re doing a lot of learning along the way.
I’ve always had a lot of issues with self esteem. I’m not necessarily the jealous type, and I trusted my boyfriend completely for a while.
We moved into a new apartment and we were going through a lot of stress personally and in our relationship. Our intimacy levels were definitely not very high.
About three months after moving, I felt something wasn’t right and decided to look through his phone. (I know it’s wrong.) I found multiple deleted emails in his trash folder from Onlyfans.
I found out he made an account months prior but he was only subscribed to a handful of girls. One of them which I knew personally. After confronting him, he eventually admitted to it. He said he didn’t see anything wrong with it and just considered it “regular” porn. After asking why he subscribed to the girl I know, he said he’s been familiar with her since high school and “always wanted to see her tits.”
I’ve never really had an issue with him jacking off because I’ve known since we started dating that he does it a lot. With that being said, I don’t have an issue with porn either.
The fact that he spent a decent amount of money to subscribe to these girls is what really bothered me. I’ve never been comfortable in my skin and this made everything 10x worse. He knows how hurt I was by it and how small it made me feel and told me it wouldn’t be an issue again. I decided that I could move on and forgive him, but for whatever reason I was really torn up about the whole thing.
It’s been about 6 months and I still think about it almost daily. We’ve had multiple arguments about it. He spends 20-30 minutes at a time in the bathroom and always takes his phone with him. I can’t help but assume he’s still using the site. He accidentally leaves private browsing open on his phone. I know he watches porn but keeps telling me it isn’t Onlyfans. It completely destroyed my self esteem and I have no confidence left what so ever. My trust for him deteriorated and I’ve felt since the beginning that he just isn’t attracted to me anymore but doesn’t want to physically cheat because he knows I would leave him and we’ve built a life together. I feel that he’s lusting over other women and I’m just not enough. Again, I’ve never been the jealous type and now I feel bothered and suspicious if he even brings another girl into the conversation.
I don’t know if I should move on or just give up and deal with the fact that I’m not gonna get over it. I’m embarrassed to even talk about the problem with anyone else because I don’t want them to know that he was paying to view these girls’ nudes. I don’t really want to lose him or the relationship, but I’ve been looking at him differently since this happened.
TL;DR After being together for 2 years I found out my boyfriend was subscribed to different girls Onlyfans. Caused problems in our relationship for the past 6 months and I still feel insecure over the situation
Submitted May 31, 2020 at 01:50PM by ThrowRA472904829 https://ift.tt/2MeA7v0
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