My [34f] parents [65f, 68m] refuse to accept my brother [35m] is disabled and it's tearing apart the family.

Hi Guys, I’d appreciate your help in the manner. This is a throwaway because family friends are on here.

My brother is disabled from an autoimmune pain disorder from a car accident that happened many years ago. It is not as obvious as other disabilities, as he can function normal at times, but not all the time. Since he can move around and often appears normal, my parents refuse to acknowledge or understand his disability and are quite judgemental and pushing expectations onto him.

So it gets more complicated. He has single custody of his 5 year old son, and they both live with my parents. The good side is my parents are great grandparents, and help out a lot with my nephew. His mother is MIA, so my brother gets disability (with Student loans garnishing a bit) and no child support. He puts most of that towards utilities and groceries. He does a lot around the house, cooking, dishes, tidying up..

And there is still room for it to get worse. My parents got a puppy for the son, agreeing everyone will take care of it. Well my nephew is too young, my parents still work, and my mother works long hours and my father is often out of town. So back to the title here, my parents thought it would be nice for the only child (a smarty-pants motherless child who knows his homelife is not normal) but didn’t take my brother into account. He is rather fragile and does not have the strength of a normal man, and a puppy can really limit his capabilities, let alone the amount of upkeep bestowed upon him. And the dog pulled him down and he realized he it too much, he could make his disorder worse and put himself in a wheelchair even earlier than his best of the worst wishes.

He would have qualified for a fully trained service dog if he wished, but never was asked and this puppy is for his son, not him.

He pushed back, and confronted my parents about this and it turned out to be a big fight that is tearing at the fabric of our family. My parents told me that they feel he is afraid of a real job and he needs to get in reality. I argued with them and told them I’m not a doctor and not qualified to have that kind of opinion. I even told them, that even if I had such an opinion, I’d never hold those expectations on him like that, because he has been through so much. But that’s just my opinion. He does have doctors, visiting nurses, and all. Just because the disorder is not as well understood by the medical professionals doesn’t disqualify it and is claimed as disabled for tax purposes too. He could he in a wheelchair (as many with his disorder are) at any time, so I’d rather do my best to help.

Sometimes my parents act as if his son is theirs, and they ignore his rules and they do not treat him like an adult, especially in front of his child. They feel his confrontation is absurd, and that he is ungrateful for all they do. He feels they are ungrateful for all he does around the house, and should treat him like an adult and involve him in the adult decisions. The arguments have continued for a few weeks now, often in front of the child, which is horrible, and the child thinks it is something he has done.

It can get heated. The arguments opens up older wounds from our childhood and things have been said. It’s very touchy and I’d hate to see it get any worse. I personally feel they need some space to re-establish boundaries and learn to appreciate one another. I also think they need group therapy. Without my parents, it would really be he and his son on the streets. His little income can not support them on their own. Unfortunately I do not make that much and I’m newly married and my husband and I are hours away in a small apartment in a neighboring state just trying to get by. I did offer to help where I can, and tried to find solutions like get rid of the puppy, find a doggie day care, dog walker, etc.

So thanks for reading this… I’d like to know your thoughts on:

• How can I get my parents to accept he is disabled and treat him like they do my grandfather, who is actually more capable.
• How can I get either of them to de-escalate their arguments? Talk like normal people. Listen to each other?
• In the longer term, what kind of goal could there be for him and his son to be out on his own? Hopefully things cool down, and there is a place nearby where the grandparents can still play an active role in their life.

Tldr: Shit hit the fan when my parents got a puppy and put most of the responsibility on my already-overwhelmed disabled brother bc they don't believe my brother truly is incapable, and it opens up old wounds and pulling the family apart. If pulled apart, I’m not sure the family could ever be the same again.

Thanks for reading and I appreciate any and all responses.

Submitted January 25, 2020 at 02:01PM by bro_of_disabled https://ift.tt/37sGTX0