He (M25) said he wants to marry me (F29) , big huge surprise confession, and then now he's not so sure. I'm totally down for marriage, eventually, but his change of attitude worries me.

My (F29) boyfriend (M25) and I have been together for a year and a few months. The beginning stages were kind of rocky but one thing that we both agree on that is a strong quality about our relationship was our ability to face adversity together, talk through problems, and compromise. The last 9 months or so have been incredible. Not like a crazy honeymoon stage, we don't do fancy dates or anything. It's just been stable. I've felt loved, secure, and safe. He's always looking out for me, helped me through some financial tough times, has been there for me through some of the worst - my grandfather passing, my existential crisis about school and my future, my period of angsty anxiety-ridden withdrawal where i wanted to be a "strong independent woman who don't need no man for anything", my accident and consequential knee surgery and months of recovery (he was basically there for me in the hospital EVERYDAY for 2 weeks while i was inpatient and then by my side constantly afterwards, helping me get around, carrying my bags, getting me food, etc.), a lot of terrible things. I've been there for him through his own tough times.

Well, about a little more than a month ago, we were out with our mutual friends at a local bar, just casually enjoying the night, and he suddenly pulled me aside. swore to god that he wasn't drunk, albeit a bit tipsy, but had some important things he wanted to tell me.

These important things being (and I quote roughly, from memory):

- He knows i'm not perfect, and he's not perfect either, but he accepts it and loves me for who I am and the way that I am, flaws and all. He loves me unconditionally.

- he thinks I am perfect for him. He believes I would be an amazing mother and wife. All of his close friends who know me also believe the same thing, and he couldn't agree more.

- he admires how smart and independent I am, but also more than anything be the man who takes care of me forever. I am his Queen and he wants to be my King.

- he loves how we have gone through so many things together and come out stronger and closer. he loves that he can trust me, and that I trust him despite his few rough periods when he was a little insecure and unsure.

- he thinks that I am beautiful, physically and personality-wise.

- he wants to marry me. he cannot picture a future without me. he doesn't want to start over with someone new or see me having to do the same thing. he wants to give me a ring. he wants me to talk to my parents and open up a window for him to be able to talk to my father and ask his permission/blessing to ask to marry me. I have a week to do this. (next day we talked about this and he was like whoa no that's too soon, give it some time. blame his excitement and the alcohol, i guess.)

- then later after his confession he came to me while i was ordering another drink and he hugs me and asks me what do i think about this or that name for our kids? (we'd joked around about this before, but he seemed serious this time. again, maybe it was just the alcohol)

- he wants to do all these things but he's not sure how because he's still not graduated yet (i've just graduated, he has an extra semester or two leftover still) because we're both foreigners from different nationalities living in a different country, he's concerned about his job prospects.

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so that's the gist of it. I played it off cool. I've never thought about marriage seriously before. I'd played around with the idea a couple times when a friend of mine asked me if I was interested in marrying him someday. I am completely okay with it. I love him very much. I love that we have similar values (religious, social, philosophical) and potential to grow and blossom as a couple. I think our kids would be stinking cute. He respects me and would never hurt me. He's loyal and committed. The only things that worry me are the logistics of marriage. Where would we work? where would we live? would we settle in this country, his, or mine, or somewhere else? what do we want? Should I start saving in case he needs my help with funding a wedding? What about our families, how would they be involved? Should we just "elope" and avoid all those complications? He's the oldest and first son in his family, that's not possible. His Mom and siblings adore me, I'm sure they wouldn't be against it.

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So then today, we were hanging out, I made us brunch and we were staying in enjoying a movie and then my friend sends me one of those "couple Q&A" questionnaires, so i was like eff it lets try it. turns out we know each other quite well and still share a lot of the same values, and learned some new things. It was a fun game to play and we laughed a lot. Then the conversation became serious, as some of the questions were "future" oriented, so this topic came up. Suddenly he seemed to take it all back. Yes, he was kind of drunk. But I know him well enough to know when he's drunk-honest and drunk-dumbass. He had all these feelings and thoughts that he was repressing, and his tipsiness just sort of made him burst it all out without much rationality. It was shocking for me, but of course, also exciting. So now he's saying "well i can't say i see you in my future now because it depends on where i get a job. Let's wait until I graduate at the end of this year to see what happens and talk about it more. if i have to go back to my country, i can't do long distance. I don't like it. And What if something happens and you get some great opportunity to go back to yours? That's obviously more important than me."

I said those things don't matter, but I don't like the idea of just "waiting to see what happens." I wanted to know if he still WANTED to marry me, regardless of thinking about work, location, legal issues. In my opinion, if he has the *intention* of marrying me, shouldn't he be willing to do whatever it takes to TRY to make that happen, in the next couple years at least? Not just stay as things are and wait for it to just happen or not. Like if he's worried about his GPA and finding a job, he should be hustling and doing his best. Not only for himself and his future, but for ours too. It would be an extra motivation, no? Not just passively finishing school to get it done and over with and then taking whatever job he can find.

I understand this is important, i had the same fears too. I have a job lined up, i'm not moving away, and i also decided to stay and work in the country for a year or two because it was stable and easy, a good start for me in the workforce building my resume and saving some money (which my family also agrees is smart) but also because i wanted to be around for him. The last argument we had several months ago was him expressing his insecurity that I would just leave him and go back to my country. I told him I had no intention of doing that to begin with, but I made sure it happened because I also didn't want to leave him or put him in that heartbreaking position. Sure, me finding work for my field in this country was a little easier than it might be for him later. But if I know he is still invested in me and thinking about having me in his future, some way, some how, then I will also be more willing to invest my time and emotional energy into maintaining the relationship. Otherwise, what am I doing? So I asked him, what does he *want*. If I know that he wants me in his future, and wants to try to work towards that, then i'm willing to wait and see how things go, put my time and effort into helping us both reach that goal. But if he's suddenly decided that maybe he doesn't, I should end things, no? and if I should end things, should i wait until he graduates to see what happens or just break things off sooner than later? It's a little hurtful and concerning that he suddenly has reserves, but maybe the reality of his fears about his own future, what entails marriage, his responsibilities to me as a husband, etc, is giving him cold feet. I don't know.

I don't date to mess around. We're both religious people too so it's also normal for both of us, despite differing cultures and nationalities, to enter a relationship with the hope that i would end up in marriage.

Am I putting too much pressure on him? This last time was the first time we talked about things more seriously, and he agreed that it was a good conversation to have and he would think about things and give me an honest answer in a week. After he left he was still completely affectionate and loving to me, hesitant to go (but his family called and needed him at home) smothered me in forehead kisses, and assured me that the conversations was necessary and important and that he's not angry or upset about it. Is that an ultimatum? am I sabotaging the relationship? am i overthinking things? There have been no recent red flags or issues I can think of that might have caused him to change his mind or have a negative perspective on all of this. I don't want him to be like "yes i'm gonna marry you, and i'll propose at such and such a time." but if he wants to, shouldn't he be willing to say honestly that he would try to do what he can to make it happen? or is he lazy and just willing to let circumstances that could potentially be prevented or adjusted around to take me away from him? We broke up once maybe 4 months into our relationship, last year, and he was the one who came back to me begging for forgiveness, that he couldn't lose me, that his life was half empty without me in it, that i'm the one for him, etc. After that everything has been relatively smooth and we had no serious issues since then.

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tl;dr: Boyfriend of over a year drunkenly confessed deeper feelings for me, appreciation of who I am and desire to marry me and have a future and family together. I was excited, but a little shocked. Played it cool, still enjoying the idea, but also nervous about how this could actually work, what I should be doing to make the process easier. A month and a half later we finally sit and talk seriously about it, he says he was just drunk talking, he's not sure, he doesn't know, it depends on his job prospects, legal things because of differing nationalities and we both live in a foreign country from our own together, we don't know where we'll end up, separately or together. leave it up to God. let's just wait a year until he graduates and see what happens. Maybe he doesn't want to get married for another 10 years. Of course he doesn't want to lose me, and he loves me unconditionally. But he wouldn't ask me to wait for him. But he wants to stay with me. I asked him if all those circumstances aside, is that what he WANTS. And If it's what he wants, and it's now what I realize I want, then we both should do what we can to try to make that happen, but if things don't work out then they dont work out and that will be sad. But i'm not really okay with just sitting back and doing nothing and just "enjoy the relationship" --> i also have reserves about my own future if i don't include him in my plans now. He's committed to me and I to him, there are no issues in our relationship, no red flags. I wonder if i'm pressuring him, or if i'm overthinking, and if I should just drop it and wait or just end things sooner than later?

Submitted January 25, 2020 at 05:12AM by blahhhhh90 https://ift.tt/2TURzK3