I (29,F) have to tell my friend (30,F) that I do not feel safe letting her son (7,M), who has autism, hold my baby (14 mo,F)

This feels really awful to type out, but I don't know how to go about having this conversation without hurting people I deeply care about and I need some advice from others not involved. So here goes..

My friend from college "Becca" had her son "Peter" when she was 23, about a year after we graduated. She had a very difficult pregnancy, and our group of friends tried to be as supportive as possible during and after the baby was born. Peter was a really difficult baby and Becca had pretty severe PPD. As he grew up, he wasn't meeting many of the developmental milestones that he should have been and was eventually diagnosed with autism.

To be blunt, Becca has had an incredibly difficult time in life since he was born, and the moments of joy have been few and far between. Peter can be a sweet, loving boy but as a result of his profound developmental disabilities he has many behaviors that are insanely hard to handle. Both Becca and her husband have gone to great lengths and have tried every possible form of therapy, meds, supplements, etc that they can find. They're both very savvy regarding resources, groups, things like that. But life has not been easy for any of them. Our friend group has tried to babysit as frequently as possible to give them a break over the years.

Fast forward to the present, Peter is now 7. He is nonverbal, partially blind and deaf, and has several chronic medical issues. He has frequent outbursts and is mostly self-destructive. He bites himself, hits his head against the wall or floor, and rips apart his surroundings. This seems to be almost daily sometimes, if not multiple times a day.

I truly believe they are trying everything to help Peter live the best life possible. He is heavily monitored, medically speaking, and participates in as many activities as he can.

I have always felt that they are both excellent parents, but over the years our crew of girlfriends has kind of dwindled in terms of helping Becca with Peter. She has been a stay-at-home mom for his entire life, and her husband works a lot to pay for their lives and all of Peter's support. I don't necessarily blame my friends for being less down to babysit Peter as he grew older and became much more difficult to handle. One of our close friends "Andrea" was watching Peter regularly, but stopped when he was 5 after he bit her badly enough to require stitches. Nobody blamed her for this decision - she ended up with nerve damage and she also did not feel like she could keep Peter safe; his behavior was beyond her ability to provide childcare. Myself and one of our other friends have still been babysitting Peter about once every month and a half. We go together, Peter will already have his "safety" gear on (basically a helmet and protective mittens), and Becca and her husband don't stay away too long. They also have a paid support team to watch him, but this is something we do to just demonstrate support for our good friends and because we do love Peter. We spend time with all of them together, but feel like they should have a free hour to get coffee and stroll through Target every once and a while.

I know that I have basically painted him as a violent menace to society, but that's not the case. The majority of his outbursts aren't prolonged, rip the house to shreds kind of ordeals. He mostly focuses on himself, so the aim of the game is to keep him from hurting himself as much as possible. That being said, Peter LOVES babies. He's fascinated by them, and is so gentle with them. I've seen him hold his baby cousins on multiple occasions when he was a little bit younger, but as far as I'm aware he hasn't really been trusted since he's gotten older and his outbursts have grown with him.

This makes Becca sad, as Peter's favorite toys are baby dolls and he loves holding them. He is always gentle with his baby doll toys, and they seem to be one of the only things he doesn't destroy in an outburst. He has never hurt a baby in any way.

Okay now here is the part I have been dreading typing after all of that. Despite Peter's love of babies and his history of being a very responsible baby-holder, I do not trust him to hold my daughter. She is a little over a year old now, and Peter has never met her. I don't live super close to them, and when I go to babysit it wouldn't make sense for me to bring her, as Peter requires our full attention and an infant is like the worst possible companion in that situation. However, Becca has recently asked me if I would be willing to let Peter meet my daughter and possibly hold her. My response to her was a kind of half-answer, I didn't really say yes or no, just that we'd have to see if that would work out. She seemed to take that as a yes, and is now trying to actively make plans for our kids to meet.

So, when she first suggested this my immediate gut feeling was "fuck no". I love Peter, I want him to be happy, but my baby's safety is my absolute top priority right now. It is factual to say that Peter's outbursts are unpredictable, and just because he was gentle with babies in the past and is gentle with baby dolls now does not mean that I feel safe with him holding my child. He has been violent with other kids and adults on several occasions and ultimately after talking about it my husband agrees with me.

I know I should have just been direct with Becca in the first place, but I kind of panicked. I really don't want to hurt her, she is a wonderful person and a great friend and has been through a lot. I don't think that she's in a very good place right now and I worry that telling her Peter cannot hold my baby or meet her (because he will want to hold her if he does, and an outburst will ensue if he can't) will be devastating to her. I know she feels like she doesn't have the ability to give her child any happiness, and she's been talking about him meeting a baby for a while without directly asking me if that baby can be my daughter.

I feel really awful typing this out. I don't want to seem offensive, I just want to support my friend and her child but I need to keep my child safe.

TLDR: Friend's son who has autism has frequent violent outbursts, but loves babies and would love to hold one. I do not feel safe giving him my 1 year old to hold, as his behavior is unpredictable. My friend has asked me if he can meet my baby, and I do not know how to tell her no without crushing her.

EDIT: I should clarify for a few of the responders that I do not feel comfortable with Peter meeting my baby. When he has an outburst that has an obvious trigger, it is almost always because he is unable to do/get what he wants. Him getting to meet but not hold my baby could absolutely be a trigger for him, same as only getting to partially hold her or getting to hold her and then having her taken away. I don't see a situation where I could maintain enough control over the environment to feel comfortable with my daughter being there.

I understand the feeling that there must be some way to facilitate this experience for Peter, but there is not. I'm trying to find a way to communicate this to my friend in the kindest way possible, and I think I have some good ideas thanks to some of the replies on this thread <3

I can see why some people may feel that there should be a compromise, but at this point in both of their lives I don't feel safe with them meeting in any capacity. I really do hope this can change one day and our children can have a relationship, but I really do just want to focus on my friendship and helping Becca.

Submitted January 25, 2020 at 12:39PM by PlasticCalligrapher3 https://ift.tt/2RNBl2x