Update to: Friend of mine, 24F, has been in a relationship with a 21M and is rushing to the altar. Did I say the right things? Was I direct enough?

Hi everyone!

Link to original post

I am appreciative of al the thoughtful responses I got on my previous post.

For as long as they’ve been dating, it’s like night and day on her social media. On Instagram, she’ll post lovey dovey things then on Twitter, she’ll post cryptic, negative tweets.

She’ll post about not liking to be ignored or how her fiancé always blames her for everything and can never hold himself accountable. I’ve reached out via text and she’ll tell me that it has to do with their relationship and that they’ve been having problems but she never goes into detail.

Last weekend, she tweeted that she was in need of help and I was worried , so I reached out to her via text. She went into detail about her relationship problems and it was a lot.

Apparently they’ve been having a rough couple of months and have been getting into bad arguments. She told me that she kept her struggles to herself because she doesn’t want to feel as if she’s a burden to others. I told her that she’s never a burden to me and that she can always vent to me, as she’s done so in the past.

She told me that he never holds himself accountable for the things he does. He always makes her feel that every single thing that is wrong is somehow all her fault and that she’s the problem. She told me that she asked if he could conserve his $ and he flipped out. She also told me that he wants to carry his gun everywhere and she asked if he didn’t because of safety concerns. Those two things aren’t unreasonable at all but apparently he got super mad because he thinks that she’s trying to “control him.”

She told me that he went to get advice from our mutual close friend and she never k ew about that and that crosses all types of boundaries. I talked to the friend and they told me that they felt super uncomfortable because they didn’t want to be in the middle of their issues. My friend’s parents say that he could do better and be better but the guy just seems like an immature person.

I suggested couples therapy and she said that she doesn’t think it’ll work and he doesn’t want to partake in it, so she’s giving up to God. I then told her that I saw a lot of red flags and here’s everything else I said in my text messages:

I said this in response:

1) Oh wow.

So he's very stubborn and can't see the error in his ways and due to that, he's pushing you away? That's terrible.

If he can hold himself accountable for his ways, I think he needs to be let go even if it is hard. The inability to not work on something that's crucial to healthy, mature romantic relationships is a red flag. You deserve someone who will not always pin you as the bad person in the equation and is human enough to see their errors and work on them.

That's fucked up that he went to one of your closest friends to try and probably paint you as the bad guy, too.

2)He needs to learn the definition of control because your actions do not equate to that.

It's reasonable to ask someone you're planning on marrying to conserve their money at times. It's also reasonable to suggest not carrying a gun on him at all times. If he blows up at those simple things , that's a red flag too.

When someone shows you who they are, believe it the first time. I just don't want to you keep waiting for him to "change " and he never does and you feel stuck.

3) I said this: To be frank, he sounds very immature. You have a lot going for you outside of him and based on your last few tweets, he doesn't seem to add positivity to your life.

Have you tried going to therapy with him? Or have you suggested that?

4) Putting God aside, everything you've said about your issues just scream red flags. It's your life but if he can't even agree to actually work on these issues and you feel that counseling wouldn't work, it makes no sense why you're still together.

Therapy, with the right therapist, can work but if you don't think that it can, what's the point of even being together? If no one seems to be trying to take legit, healthy steps in trying to work out your issues, that's not okay.

You can walk with God and go where you feel He leads you, but sometimes you have to really see what there and what He's trying to show you instead of seeing what you want to see.

I'm not trying to sound harsh but I love you too much to not say what I feel based on everything you've told me and ever tweet I've seen you tweet that has to do with your relationship.

I have to go but you can always call/text me about it. I'll always listen from a place of love. 💖

5) I see that. (When she spoke of giving it up to God)

However, if he can't even meet you halfway and he's engaging in toxic behavior by making you feel less than/bad about yourself , God could be trying to help you learn a lesson through him.

Every single person we meet in this life is either here for a season or a lifetime. It's up to you to figure that out.

6) Okay, girl.

Just be wise about who you spend your time with and who you let inside your heart.

7) I said this: Not everyone you meet is there with pure intentions. It can be hard to see certain things but as long as you really try to be objective about everything, you'll be fine.

8) Just put yourself first and acknowledge your feelings . Don't let anyone or anything make you feel that your emotions aren't valid.

I love you and I'll ttyl. 💜

TL;DR

We’re still friends and still talk but I had to get what o thought off of my chest to her. I believe that she’s only in this relationship because she may feel that she can’t do any better than him. This is also her very first romantic relationship ever , so I think that she’s trying to hold on because if not him, who else will love her? I also think that it’s a self esteem issue. I realize that it’s her life but it still sucks to see her going through this.

Submitted January 26, 2019 at 12:35PM by jwash1894 http://bit.ly/2MzNxkr