Tldr: I'm pregnant with my mother-in-law's first grandchild. She's gone baby crazy, or maybe this is normal and I'm too sensitive. My husband says I'm being unreasonable and wants her to come help us for many months after the kid is born. Looking for perspective.
My partner (31m) and I are excited to be expecting our first kid in January. First grandchild on both sides, and everyone is very excited, which is great.
My mother-in-law, Mary, loves babies. She brought up grandkids way before we were ever engaged. She has 3 kids of her own. In general, Mary is a kind, sensitive woman who isn't the most socially aware and very stubborn. She is independent in her own area, but needs others to take care of her when she leaves her area.
The past 4 years have been tough for Mary. Forced retirement, long time partner left her, and some health issues. With her partner's departure, she went from a very comfortable lifestyle to living on a government worker's pension. Unsurprisingly after those events, Mary has depression.
Onto the issue at hand. Before pregnancy, Mary and I had a cordial but not close relationship. She lives across the country, and her values are very different than mine. She likes to push them on me. And while she's kind, she loves bragging (daughter is so beautiful, looks just like me; my coat was $600 in 1995, which is like $1200 now; etc.). She's also very needy emotionally. My husband once didn't call her for an entire weekend, and she was very upset. In other words, she's very insecure and needs constant validation. I can deal with her in small doses, and while Mary would ask my husband how I'm doing, she didn't really pursue a relationship before pregnancy. I'm not upset about that, given our preferences.
Now, Mary really wants to be involved in everything. She texts everyday asking how the 2 (fetus and me) are doing. She has given me unsolicited advice on everything, from the personal (breastfeeding) to the bizarre (placenta) to the anxiety-inducing (nanny/daycare worker abuse). A lot of her advice is either dated or obvious, and given how stubborn she is ("i raised 3 kids like that, and they all did fine!"), she doesn't listen when we say we want to go things differently. She has sent us names for our kid, shared the gender with everyone, and demands ultrasound images after every doctor's visit. She doesn't want to talk to me about anything other than baby. I started a new career and have a mildly interested life (or at least one that allows for conversation). Since I've been pregnant, Mary has never talked to me about anything other than my pregnancy or babies.
After a 3 day visit to Mary's house, i cut back on communication. It was just too much, and i feel like an incubator. Mary told me that the fetus is her only reason for getting up some days. My husband used my pregnancy to convince Mary to actually follow through on her medical care. I'm trying to be sympathetic, but outside of her needs, I'm also getting a ton of pressure to do everything right for this kid while also trying to enjoy the last months of non parenthood.
Onto the issue. Mary wants to come stay with us to help for a few months after i give birth. After explaining to my husband that in addition to a new baby, I'll also be recovering from a major medical event (pushing a watermelon out of me), he concedes that Mary shouldn't come out the first 2 weeks. My (nurse with three kids) sister is coming out immediately, which I'm very relieved and grateful for. My husband says this isn't fair to his mom. He now plans to have his mom come stay with us starting at 2 weeks. Given her lack of independence, I think this is too early. We'll already be caring for a newborn and i don't think we'll be able to handle an emotionally needy person on top of that. I would prefer that she visit for a weekend with one of his siblings and stay in a hotel. I don't mind an extended visit (okay, i do mind, but I'm trying to be reasonable), but I'd prefer it when the kid is older. Given the unsolicited advice and neediness, i want to have a better handle on life and be in a better emotional place, not 2 weeks postpartum.
My husband says I'm unreasonable and need to just accept his mom as is. She's never going to change, and asking her to be as independent as my father is unreasonable. That she needs to see this kid and stay with us for her mental health, and that we'll appreciate her help. I think having a newborn is hard enough, and his mom will create more stress. She's also messy and can barely take care of herself, much less help us.
What do you think? Should i just suck it up? Or will I regret having her around?
I'm hoping for advice outside of r/justnomil and r/babybumps because those groups are likely biased in my favor
TIA!
Submitted October 26, 2018 at 07:27AM by throwaway56778544 https://ift.tt/2yAPQOn
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