Amanda and I have been together since college (6 years). We haven’t had things “easy” during our time together. Amanda went to university as a mature student and I was constantly in the library preparing for major exams. We were study buddies and turned that into a romantic relationship. Up front, I’ll admit that Amanda is much better looking than I am. She’s conventionally beautiful where as I… have a great personality. Amanda and I are, in many ways, opposites. I grew up in a very mild mannered upper-middle class family. She grew up in a rough-and-tumble neighborhood and isn’t afraid to stand-up to people. She’s tough and straight forward. I’m calm and reserved. We make a great team as she’s never one to shy away from getting what’s rightfully ours of standing up for something I wouldn’t, where as I am good at working with people and getting things to move forward.
On the whole we have a really great relationship. Amanda had to sacrifice a lot. I graduated at 22 but didn’t get into my chosen field for advanced education until a year later. We had to move a substantial distance from my family. Due to numerous problems, Amanda has gone NC with her family. She’s been getting therapy for a while.
It’s been up-and-down the last couple of months. There was uncertainty around where we’d wind-up and a lot of question marks in our lives. Things are starting to clear, but we still have a move coming up and I am working atrociously long hours. We’ve found a way to make more time for each other and part of the concession is that I dedicate my free time to “us time” in a switched-off manner.
However, we’ve been bickering. She attributes it to feeling unfulfilled. While it’s getting better…. I have some issues. When Amanda fights, it’s to win and she will do or say anything to be the first to hurt someone. She goes for the throat and won’t back down. She’ll then realize she’s been incredibly hurtful and makes a full, unreserved, apology but by that point what’s said is said. She’s good at hitting on very sensitive subjects and on more than a few occasions I’ve totally disconnected and just left. It’s learned from her childhood and something she needs to stop doing. She’s trying, but the last couple of weeks have been very tough. We’ve had a few fights where she’s hit below the proverbial belt and left quite the mark.
A big thing we’re working on is intimacy. We didn’t prioritize sex for a long time, often we’d go 3 weeks without any intimacy. We’ve been building it in and being better about keeping that a priority. For her (and sorry if this is TMI) a condom is a mood killer. She’s on oral contraceptives, but I often like a back-up method. I just can’t deal with an accident right now. That often kills the mood for her. When I try and explain my position, it seems only make it worse.
I know I’m 99% of the problem. I’ve walked so far down a path that I have to see it through. It’s complicated, long, and costly. She’s had to sacrifice a lot. We’ve recently been talking about getting engaged/kids and she’s ready now. She has watched friends get married, buy houses, have kids, while we’ve been sacrificing for years. We haven’t even really had a vacation together. We get by and pay off our debts slowly, but there isn’t a lot left over for fun. She wants to “settle” and I understand that, but we’ve been fighting a lot, we have issues around intimacy and don’t even have a place to call our own just yet. She’s made it clear that she wants a kid, that she’s always wanted a family and is pushing 30. She figures that we’ll manage to pay off all our debt one way or another and that she’s sacrificed for 5 years and that all she wants is a kid. She attributes our fighting to a lack of intimacy (which means not using condoms) and not having something she can truly look forward to.
I always had things so well segmented in my mind and never saw complexity or messiness. Now that I’m the thick of it, I realize life isn’t nearly as neat and clean as we project it; and I’m really not sure what to do. On one hand, I feel like adding more to this situation will just further strain us, on the other hand, I love Amanda and know how much she’s sacrificed for me – basically her career ambitions are gone. I feel like having a kid right now would make the stress in our lives worse (I definitely want a family but would like to have a bit more before doing so) but I’m torn because I know how much she’s sacrificed. She studied to work in a specific field but never could do the internships that would be needed to land a job. Instead, she has worked at a grocery store chain for a number of years and now has an office role but for the first ~3 years was a floor associate. Definitely not the kind of work she trained for.
I’m not sure how to make this better, or even what to say. I’m often so tired and reeling from insanity at work that I have trouble putting words together. I’d appreciate everyone’s perspective on this.
Should we just have the kid even though we have nothing? I'm worried what adding a kid to this mix will do, but I also feel a tremendous amount of guilt. Her sacrifice has meant our debts were cut by a substantial amount.
What can I do in addition/in lieu to make it up to her for a huge sacrifice?
*EDIT: For sake of clarity: we have about $135K in debt at this moment.
tl;dr GF feels unfulfilled and her desire is to have a kid. We're broke and I'm still working my way up. A kid now would strain our finances and destroy any intimacy we're trying to build. But, I feel tremendous guilt about her sacrifice for us. Not sure what to do.
Submitted October 25, 2018 at 11:34AM by klaptrap44 https://ift.tt/2yAMlrn
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