My husband has 4 children from a previous marriage who are all now 18 years or older. A year ago, he elected to take a apply for a job in a different state without telling me until he was well along in the interview process. We've worked through that issue and I decided to wrap up my work and seek licensure in the new state. That process has gone more slowly than anticipated and at one point, we discussed that I would move without licensure and just not work in the meantime.
A few months ago, I decided I wasn't comfortable moving without knowing when I might be able to work--both financially and emotionally. I've worked very hard to build my career and a financial future for myself on my own. I attended college full time and always held at least two jobs since I moved out of my parents' house at 17. My parents never had "extra" money. They still have no retirement planning done at age 58. I never received assistance from my parents, although I know they would have if they could have. I once had to ask them for $35 because I was short on a rent payment and it just about killed me. They gave us small check as a wedding gift and I never cashed it. I have always been very cognizant of the fact that I don't want to struggle like my parents are. Today, I have a career I love and I'm financially stable. I now have 5 pets that I care for, who are my world, so not working and being able to provide for them terrifies me.
In expectation of moving, I sold my house and we bought a new one in the new state. When I decided I actually wasn't ready to move, I leased a small apartment for $450/mo, which I pay on my own. I made a profit when I sold my house about two months ago. My husband has always been in debt ($70k+) resulting from his first marriage. He asked me if I could pay off one of his high-interest credit cards with the money from the house, and I agreed. I ended up paying off 4 of them in total, amounting to about $16k, so he could use those monthly payments toward paying off his lower-interest cards. I paid the down-payment and for all of the repairs needed for the new house in full.
A couple of weeks ago when I went to visit, he asked me if he could use my credit card because he was short on cash until his next paycheck. I had just paid off several of his debts, so I was pretty confused as to how that could be possible. He then told me he decided to pay about $800 a month toward his daughter's college. I was floored. I tried to remain calm and asked him if he could provide me a full accounting of his debts and income so that we could figure this out. He never did.
Yesterday, he called me and expressed that he barely has enough money to get gas to travel to and from work. I asked him about the college payment and he became agitated with me and said it's just something he "has" to do because his ex-wife is also paying half and she says he's a deadbeat. I said I was confused about why he didn't think he should have asked me about this before he committed to it and he got angry with me for suggesting that I have any say in the matter. I'm pretty frustrated with the whole thing. His children are all adults. He pays for all of their cell phones, college for his 21 year old son (in full), a car/insurance for his 21 year old son (in full), a car for his 24 year old daughter (in full), and now half of his 18 year old daughter's college.... plus whatever else they want. His income DOES NOT support this spending, even without his existing debts.
It bothers me when my husband spends like this on his kids both from a philosophical and financial perspective. They are spoiled rotten, mostly by their mother, who has significant income and a wealthy husband. There is absolutely no reason his kids can't take out their own college and car loans. I feel that his priority should be his own welfare and retirement, not buying his kids everything they could possibly want and spoiling them out of guilt. He is 12 years older than me, and somehow, even though I make 3x less than him, I am the higher earner with no kids. I don’t want to be working into my 80s because my husband didn’t know how to tell his kids “no.” Technically, he may be the one buying this or that…but I’m actually the one subsidizing his spending habits. I don't think that's fair to me.
It also bothers me because at one point, he was very insistent that I could move there without working. He asks me often to just come and forget about finding a job first. What I didn't realize is that he expected me to support myself and continue to subsidize him while not having a job.
I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, but I also don't fully understand the politics of stepchildren. So, I ask you, am I overreacting? Should I have a say in what he spends on his children?
TL;DR: Should a stepparent have decision-making power in money their significant other spends on the stepchildren?
Submitted October 28, 2018 at 10:25AM by _iconoclasm https://ift.tt/2CL94DT
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