TL;DR
I immigrated somewhere four years ago. I am soon turning 30. My (single parent) mother now wants to move to the same country, but she is controlling, treats me like a child, and isn't entirely emotionally stable. She recently announced that she wants to live with me for six months to help "acclimatize" to the new culture, is putting on a serious pity party about how its my "duty" to do so, and isn't taking no for an answer. How do I give that answer more forcefully without causing her a nervous breakdown or scuppering the good side of our relationship?
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FULL VERSION
(Sorry about the length; kind of therapeutic to type it all out and all the detail in case anybody wants it!)
I moved to a non-English-speaking country almost four years ago. Life has been mostly good since (minus the usual difficulties of being an immigrant), and I visit my old country once or twice a year. I'm turning 30 soon.
My mother is a single parent. Overall, I think we have developed a more mature relationship than we did when we shared a roof, but when I return things quickly revert to the way they were before I left. She views me as a "child", goes through my suitcase and mail when I'm not in the room (yes, seriously!), and frequently comments about about how "disorganized" I am (I run my own business and honestly do not believe that to be the case).
She is also controlling and attempts to dictate my every decision - including what time I should come home by after seeing my old friends (I'm referring to when I come visit). Now that I'm at a safe distance, I have gotten used to the wonderful feeling of running my own life and can easily ignore almost all of her "advice". But it really grates me when I'm there and also annoys me when the instructions are conveyed from a distance over the phone. Additionally, I am almost certain that she has undiagnosed depression (she is constantly pessimistic and negative) and is prone to crying fits in addition to the above-mentioned dynamic, which is toxic and borderline abusive, in my untrained opinion.
My mother has decided to try immigrating to the same country I moved to (to keep this anonymous, I am not mentioning which). Naturally, I'm very apprehensive about this, but I believe that she urgently needs to make some life changes and that life here would overall be more suitable for her than where I used to call home. I can see myself supporting her here so long as the appropriate boundaries are set up and maintained.
Recently, however, she made a shocking request and has not let up since. She wants me to live with her for six months to help her "acclimatize" and get past the initial bureaucratic hurdles. She is claiming that it is my "duty" to agree.
I assumed that I could dismiss this idea once (which I did) but she hasn't let up and brings it up literally every time we speak (on average twice a week). I have tried explaining that, as an adult, I do not want this, and she has even had the audacity to claim that it will be mutually beneficial (by splitting the rent, I could afford to live in a nicer place than I otherwise could). I have told her that I do not need to live with her to help her with paperwork, and that I managed just fine on my own here with nobody to call on for help (at the start, at least). She even says "you're messy, I could never live with you for more than six months," as an attempt to reassure me that it would be a short-term arrangement - but to me, that is insulting, and just gives me further proof that it would be a disaster even if it were for a few weeks! I'm in a long-term relationship (my girlfriend is naturally horrified at the prospect of me moving in with my mother), but am about to move to a city one hour away from her for a new consultancy project. My plan of action is to find a nice place of my own - or live with roommates.
How can I put this to bed once and for all?
I'm really worried that if I repeatedly tell her a flat out 'no' that she will have some sort of nervous breakdown and decide to cut me out of her life forever. I'm shocked that she's gone on asking this long and worried about her mental state that she would even consider this a reasonable request of a son that's almost 30. However I know that I've made my own (mostly) successful life her and should not be obliged to do this - I believe it risks my mental health and will be of little benefit to her.
Any advice on how to manage this dynamic without ending my relationship with my mother would be greatly appreciated!
Submitted October 28, 2018 at 09:19AM by drjlm https://ift.tt/2Q3lBX1
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