Edit: Please do not share this to other subreddits, videos etc. I would prefer to just keep the discussion on this forum
My fiance (m29) and I (f25) have been together 5 years now. We are a multiracial couple - him being mixed as well as myself. I have known from the beginning that I was not the typical type of girl he dates - all his exes were the same race and build/look - I am the complete opposite. I won't lie, it did bother me at the time as I was struggling with an eating disorder in those college years. I eventually got help and overcame my illness and have been actively working on my self-esteem and body dysmorphia - I am now proudly 6 years free of my ED. He did help me get through that tough time.
Now to the issue - we were sleeping in the other morning when he decided he wanted some morning action. I was half asleep so suggested a lazy, cuddling while spooning session (his favorite). We started at it when he needed to go to the bathroom. Now, I am not a delusional prude - I know men are visual beings, I know he watches p**n - I'm not stupid and I don't care. My only expectation is that viewing is kept discreet and private - the less I know about the details the better. P**n is not something I partake in anymore myself as part of my recovery from my ED. I'm just personally mindful of what I consume but I do not expect the same from others. Do not misjudge me - I am not against the viewing of p**n, I don't think it makes you a bad person - sex is natural, he can do that, just keep it separate. So.. He came back to the bed more excited than when he left so I put 2 and 2 together.
I didn't mind, I'm excited too so we continue on with our session. At the end once he finishes, I turn around to kiss him and his face is just glued to his phone. I ask him if he's been on it this whole time and he gets a shock that I was facing him and drops the phone. I pick it up and open it and hes on some NSFW subreddit - he was having sex with me while looking at other women. In that moment the level of shame and disgust I felt was overwhelming - it really took me back to those dark days in college and my ED. Those days when I was always comparing myself to others.
He's been silent since then - I won't let him touch me - even to hug. I feel so gross - like a toy, nothing better than a fleshlight. I didn't know he was on his phone while we were doing it. I feel used. And all the women he was watching while he was in me were all his "type". It kinda breaks my heart. Im mostly upset at the looking at p**n while we're making love - but I won't lie that I'm also upset at the realization, that I will never measure up or look even remotely similar to these women he would rather look at. I'm tryna go through all my Cognitive Behavioural Therapy stuff - the processes - assure myself but I can't seem to stem the hurt. Am I overreacting? I don't know how to make the pain stop.
TLDR: My fiance got caught looking at other women while having sexy time with me and Im really upset and dont know what to do about it - im shocked honestly
Submitted December 10, 2022 at 09:46PM by Appropriate-Angle-67 https://ift.tt/IAc3BuS
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