My (27f) husband (42m) thinks 1-2 friend outings a year is “a lot” and asking for time off is a drama, I don’t know what’s normal.

Hi, I (27f) have been with my (42m) husband for 7 years. We have several children together. I was on the younger side when we got together and due to life circumstances didn’t really have very many close friends and had recently “split” from my long term best friend due to irreconcilable differences in views. For the first few years I didn’t have any friends at all, which was really hard because I’m very social. Eventually I made some friends my own age, even though they didn’t have kids they accepted me and it was really cool. The few months that friend group was in full swing were some of the happiest I could remember. My husband was away working that summer and I made all my own plans, whenever I wanted to/could, just like before I was married. He quit that job and returned home and after that I kept it up as I had, but I could tell it upset him. He became very tense and I could tell he was barely tolerating it. Eventually he starting becoming outwardly upset, he said seeing friends 1-2 times a month was excessive for a mother, and that they probably looked down on me for wanting to go out with them and “abandoning” my children to do so. He often became cold, distant and angry for days or weeks after I would hang out with them. Eventually all the various people moved hours away in different directions and it naturally slowed, so once in a while I’d take a weekend trip (every few months). These really didn’t sit well with him and nearly 2 years ago now I asked to go away for the weekend (after not having gone in close to a year) and he melted down, screaming etc that this was the last time ever. I’m a mother, cut it out. I went but after that I stopped seeing anyone at all, when they come to town I get too anxious to ask to go out. The last 3 months I have seen my mom twice (2 weekends each time taking half or more of my kids, which is unusually a lot of time with her for me), and I took a day off work (I’m self employed, my job is primary income) to go to a friend’s wedding alone. She invited me to stay at her house this weekend for “baby free hang out time” because she’ll have the house to herself. I got the nerve up to ask to go, but he’s angry. He says I’ve asked “too much” lately, and I’m forcing too much work on him (watching the kids). He says that is it for outings for the rest of the year and he’s been cold and aggressive with me since I asked to go. I also should add that taking even one day off work is a huge deal, he melts down and often forces me to come up with “compensation” for the day’s missed wages. For example asking my mother to pay for my wages for the missed day (even though I make good money and a day off does not hurt us), or if it’s friends maybe selling my things to cover my wages. He has said for years now that having friends is “creepy” and “childish”, but I’ve never heard anyone else say that? What is the reasonable amount of time to spend with friends if you’re an adult/parent?

Edit: I pointed out once years ago that he was in his mid 30s and I was 20 when we had our oldest baby. He had friends when we met (well he said so I never met them) who disappeared after and I said that he had 15 years of time to do fun stuff and get to know people and have experiences and that I chose to become a young mom but that I wished I could have some friends and fun sometimes too. The first time I ever ordered alcohol at a restaurant I was 23 (with my friends). He got really angry and said he’d been in college for most of that time and working, so no he never had fun or went out, he just worked and went to school. He brings it up a lot as proof I don’t understand how to be an adult because I “thought he was having fun all that time” and that’s “not what adults do and not how life works”.

TLDR my husband hates when I spend time with friends, says it’s creepy

Submitted September 01, 2022 at 05:37AM by thro1937347 https://ift.tt/K9dMcjH