Five years ago now, my friend and co-worker got engaged to her longtime boyfriend. She asked me to be in her wedding party, and I said yes. She was my favorite work friend. We bonded right away over shared interests and being queer in a pretty straight workspace. (I'm a gay man; she identified at the time as bisexual). I was a little surprised when she told me about the engagement, because she'd complained about her boyfriend a lot in ways that suggested a fundamental incompatibility. But I attended the engagement party and met the guy there, and he seemed nice enough.
Fast forward five years. My friend and I have since moved on to different jobs, but we've remained casually in touch. I'd honestly thought that the wedding was no longer happening. A lot of time had gone by, and the two of them have been involved in a lot of unpleasant drama. I was sure they were on the outs. So imagine my surprise when, this spring, I got an invitation in the mail - and an invitation to a groupchat with the groom and his other groomsmen for wedding planning.
Again, I barely know this man. When I said yes to being in my friend's wedding party, I imagined I would be on her side of the aisle. But her family is religious, and apparently very traditional, so I'm going to have to stand with the other men. Not the biggest deal, I thought, at first; just annoying.
But we're now just a few days out from the wedding, and I've been in this planning group with this guy and his groomsmen for a couple of months, and it's just been a nightmare. The guy has dragged his feet on everything and never answered a single one of my questions. I've had to go to my friend for everything groomsman-related, even though that's supposed to be his job. It emerged recently that most of the other groomsmen are literal frat brothers, which accounts for some of the fucked-up "jokes" they've been slinging around in the groupchat. (They recently went on a bestiality tear. Fun!) Worst of all, he's recently taken to making, like, "ol' ball and chain" comments about my friend, and taking about how he can't wait to get wasted at the wedding, and how we as groomsmen need to ensure he's still sober enough by five in the afternoon to be able to stand upright for his first dance. Just a real pattern of disrespect for my friend and the wedding and my involvement in it.
And then the icing on the cake - or maybe the cake? maybe worse than all of that? probably - is that my friend and I got coffee a couple of weeks ago, and she broke down in tears talking about how she was questioning her gender identity, and she hadn't spoken to her husband-to-be about any of these feelings because she was "scared." We talked for a long time, and she came away feeling more confident. But I didn't know what to tell her re: talking to her fiance about this. Knowing what I know of the guy, I don't feel confident that he'd receive that information well.
God. The wedding is this weekend. There is absolutely no way I can back out. I am not anywhere close enough to my friend that I can straight up tell her, like, "This guy is bad news and you should call off the wedding." I know now that I probably should have said something at, like, any point in the past five years, but it's too late for that now. I deeply disapprove of my friend's fiance and resent spending a thousand bucks on a tuxedo to be a groomsman next to a bunch of frat bros. How do I endure this ceremony? Any tips for just gritting my teeth and getting through it?
TL;DR: Long-time friend and co-worker asked me ages ago to be in her wedding party and I agreed, but now, having met the guy and learned that my friend is seriously questioning her identity, I'm deeply uncomfortable taking part in the ceremony. It's too late to back out, though. How do I get through this?
Submitted August 10, 2022 at 11:51PM by pinguinopequeno https://ift.tt/jliYun5
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