I could really use an outside perspective. M (34) dealing with am issue that arose with spouse f (33)

This is going to be a bit of a long read, and I can't promise that it will be a good read. My head is spinning and my heart hurts. I'll put a tldr at the end as it will probably be a lot to read, however I ask that any serious responses as far as advice slog through. I'm not looking for knee jerk reactions, but to be honest I don't know what I'm looking for really.

So to start my wife and I have been married mostly happily for eight years and together for ten. During the first two years of our relationship we went through several rough patches where we had to move and things were stressful. It's important to note here that we don't fight, we do have disagreement but we don't yell, scream, insult, or worse resort to physical violence.

During one particular rough patch we had moved into an apartment with a roommate friend of mine and I was out of work for a bit. Dealing with a cloud of depression that is a lot easier to see in hind sight. I admit I was withdrawn and wasn't doing well with things in general but I really didn't know how bad it was.

A few weeks in she started doing subtle things that started to set off a tingling in my brain. She started texting a lot more to someone and was being secretive with who it was. She'd shift positions in bed so her screen wasn't visible, panic flick when it looked like i was even glancing towards the screen. Said she was just talking to a friend. Hell she even told me a lot about him. Needless to say every day I got a little more uncomfortable. Finally the knot of anxiety that had been building up as she talked about going out with a different group of friends one night. I did a bad thing, my girlfriend of a year and a half at this time was asleep, I grabbed her phone and opened her messanger. I read the conversations and they were worse than I could have imagined. They hadn't met up yet but it was them that she was going to see. I waited until morning and I confronted her with the evidence. To say I lost my cool would be an understatement. Broke my hand on the tree outside. We were apart for a few days and we talked she apologized and long story short we got back together and got married later that year.

Fast forward to today and we have had a great loving relationship or so it seems to me. We cuddle all the time she, we exchange I love yous, the whole nine. But shortly after her last birthday a week or so ago things changed. She's talking about going out and hanging out with her friends from work and I am all for this. In fact I would love if she got out more, we've been home bound since before covid and she needs friends.

There's a catch though. She's also getting messages from someone else, a guy. And over the last few days that anxiety knot has come back. She's shifting away, she's tilting her phone in a not normal for her method and two days ago she was showing me a game when a notification came up and she quickly quickly swiped it away looking back with a look of panic. She's talking about getting back on birth control with in the last two weeks and she's done some personal grooming that she had let go of. And worse she changed her profile picture back to the one she used eight and a half years ago. She hadn't used it since, claims that it's the only picture that looks good with her banner. All of these individually could absolutely be innocent, but written down it's kind of hard to ignore.

I wrote the list last night and dropped it on the night stand. Wasn't trying to hide it but wasn't ready to bring it to discussion. We go to bed and I wake up from the worst nightmare I've had in a long time. It's three am and I'm sure awake sitting there scrolling redit trying not to think and she wakes up. She asked me what was wrong I said nightmare and left it at that. She got up and lit a cigarette and I went to the bathroom. While in there she went to the kitchen to get a drink and I came out early. On her screen I see a dude's messanger bubble saying good morning beautiful with two of the kiss blowing emojis. I didn't open it, really wanted to but just quoted the line and handed her my list. After I asked if she would trust me if the situations were reversed. She said she gets guys like that all the time and she eventually blocks them. I say well I would like to see the messages with him. If it's all one sided then there isn't a problem. She played with her phone a second and goes there he's blocked closing messanger. I've sat on it all day, made my work day miserable, and just don't know what to do.

TLDR. I love my wife with all I have, don't trust her at all and don't know how to get it back. She recommended couples counseling, but it's unlikely because she regularly flakes on stuff like that. I said i.would like to see her phone with her supervision. She said no although I pointed out that I willingly show her mine because i have nothing to hide. Well nothing until this post.

Thanks for reading.

Submitted March 03, 2022 at 02:32PM by Resident-Aardvark-34 https://ift.tt/bHmnAdu