I'm (27F) reaching the end of my patience with my partner (28M), although he's an angel compared to others talked about here. Am I expecting too much?

We've been together for 4 years, and have rented together for half of that. We earn similar amounts and contribute approx 50/50 to everything. We're both happy with this arrangement.

He's never once even raised his voice at me. He's good looking, funny and generous. He has lovely friends and family and his own hobbies. We have the same values, mutual interests and enjoy spending quality time together. I have no concerns at all about him being unfaithful. On paper, he's my dream guy and I really do love him...

...He just can not communicate. It's got worse since we moved in together, and now its honestly so bad that I became convinced he had some sort of traumatic experience where he's felt like he "can't" talk or something bad will happen. He denies this, and says that it's not me either, and he knows he can talk to me about anything. He says he feels 'silly' for not being able to talk. 9/10 times when pressed he just says 'I don't know what to say."

But that's just it, I feel like he never has anything to say to me anymore. He never asks me any questions outside of day-to-day plans and feelings - i.e. "what do you want for dinner?", 'are you feeling ok?" Etc. I'm always asking about his thoughts on current events, his wants for the future, his past etc. Sometimes he simply gives me sarcastic answers and doesn't engage, like he doesn't see the point.

I have to really persist with him to get him to talk about his feelings and sometimes he will "white lie" to me, just because it's "easier" than telling the truth. I don't think he's ever lied to me about anything major, but I can't fully trust him to be honest with me about his feelings. (For context: my ex gaslit me that my mental health was deteriorating, when he was actually cheating on me).

A phrase I find myself saying to him multiple times a week is "why didn't you just SAY?".

We've had countless conversations over the last couple of years where I've said it upsets me so much that I feel like he's not interested in us anymore, and it frustrates me that I do 80% of the talking/initiating conversations. Ive blamed it on work stress/pandemic for so long but I have now accepted simply that our relationship isn't meeting my needs.

He usually gets upset when we discuss it too and sometimes even cries but it's generally the only time he shows any emotion at all. I end up feeling bad because he's lovely and I don't think it's his fault. He says he'll try and communicate better but there has been little improvement. His main love language is acts of service whereas mine is words of affirmation. We're both very affectionate but I find myself more and more pulling back from him physically.

It's getting to the point where I'm not sure whether this relationship is for me anymore, and the truth is I'm not happy but there's so much to stay for. We've talked about counselling for him but he says he'd be even worse talking to a stranger. we've talked about him staying with his dad for a while so he has to make an effort to speak to me/see me again, but we agree it's not a sustainable solution. I want more than anything to be able to accept this relationship for what it is. I feel so alone and I don't know what else to do.

TL;DR: My partner is perfect on paper, but is really bad at communicating leaving me frustrated, upset and feeling alone. Is this something I should be able to accept and move past?

Submitted February 04, 2022 at 05:43PM by justalilbumblebee https://ift.tt/wKy7A3P