My mother (39f) invited her boyfriend (35m) to come spend the night at our house just an hour after my sister (16f) told her she was uncomfortable with it

To add a little necessary backstory:

Six years ago I (20f) was badly hurt by my stepfather, my sister’s birthfather. He had practically raised me since I was three years old and I considered him my ‘real dad’. It was heart breaking and traumatic and the worst emotional pain I had ever felt in my life to date. I still have not healed from the event. My sister found out just a year ago what happened, and it broke her heart and she has since cut off contact with him. I didn’t expect her to have my back as much as she did but we actually ended up getting even closer. My mother knew about it when it happened and she divorced him and stayed single for a couple years, dating around but never letting us meet the guys until this most recent guy who she’s known for three years (she kept the relationship secret from us kids at first so we don’t know how long they’ve actually been dating just how long they’ve known each other). He’s a good guy, he’s a bartender and has a bit of a drinking problem but claims he drinks for his social anxiety. However I like him and he has a cute ten year old son and I could see him marrying my mom in the future, and he makes her happy despite a few arguments. They’ve talked about moving in together.

Which brings us to the present. My husband (21m) and I are expecting a baby in April and until our apartment is ready where we’re moving to another state I’m staying with my mother and two youngest siblings, my previously mentioned sister and our brother (13m). My mother has talked to me about her boyfriend moving in around the time I move out in about a month. I mentioned it to my sister, thinking that our mother spoke to her about it, only to find out that she had no idea the boyfriend would be moving in. My mother and sister don’t have a fantastic relationship and I am usually dragged in as a mediator. Tonight my sister brought up the boyfriend moving in and said that she was uncomfortable with it and she was upset that our mother hadn’t asked how we felt about it before deciding this. Mother tried to brush it off with jokes until sister kept pushing, and then she started to fight back and said a lot of hurtful things to sister that hurt me as well like “I waited six years to live with someone else”, and “Why should I have to wait longer?”, and “You’re 16 you should be able to tell me if he does something” among others. She completely disregarded my sister’s discomfort and twisted it around to victimize herself, saying that it wasn’t fair to her that we weren’t comfortable with her boyfriend living at our house. When my sister mentioned that the last time a stepfather (her father) lived with us someone (me) got hurt, our mother exploded and started biting back that “it wasn’t her fault” and “it wasn’t the same thing”. No one said the past was her fault. No one was blaming her for what happened back then. In trying to explain my sister’s discomfort my mother manipulated the situation and guilt tripped us (a common occurrence in our house) into shutting up and going to our rooms, and then mother went and cried. An hour later mom comes back out of her room and comes to our rooms telling us that the boyfriend was spending the night tonight. After that whole fight, after telling her how uncomfortable we were that he would be moving in when we barely knew him, she went and invited him to spend the night. Sister ended up going to a friend’s house while I at eight months pregnant am stuck at home with a man in my house that I barely know and I feel unsafe and angry. And the fact that I’m not even surprised my mother would pull something like this makes me even angrier. Sure he’s a nice guy, and it makes me feel a bit bad for being so angry, but this house is supposed to be my safe place and suddenly I don’t feel safe — especially with the way my mother just blatantly ignored our concerns. My husband is enraged (he isn’t the biggest fan of my mother and this was just the cherry on top) and he wants to find me somewhere else to stay until our move but with our few amount of friends and family, me being eight months pregnant, and the move so soon I don’t think it’s worth it.

My main concern are my siblings. I want to say something to my mother about how hurtful what she just did was but she’s hard to talk to because if she thinks you’re attacking her or telling her she’s wrong she’ll victimize herself and guilt trip us and it’s just so tiring. I’ve lived with the manipulating and victimizing for twenty years and I am just over it. She already treats my sister pretty bad for various reasons and wants to kick her out and the only reason she hasn’t yet is because sister is a minor and in our state mom can be charged with child neglect (and she’s a teacher, which would ruin her career). Husband and I have already offered my sister to move with us but sister wants to stay home where her friends are.

I’m exhausted and angry and I don’t know what else to do. Has anyone been in the same boat before ? Any advice is appreciated, thanks in advance.

TL;DR !

I was hurt a few years ago by my stepfather and it’s not only traumatized me but my sister. Our mother invited her boyfriend of three years to spend the night just an hour after my sister told her how uncomfortable she was with him living with us. I don’t know what to do to get my mother to see how hurtful her actions were to me and my sister.

Submitted February 23, 2022 at 10:12PM by kjo1029 https://ift.tt/KZT9q3G