My (33F) friend (33M) has liked me for 10+ years and may be making a move soon. I never told him that I'm happily married.

Hi, all. I’m sorry for the long post and English errors in advanced, it’s my second language. This was also posted in r/relationship_advice. (I have since deleted this post, as it was hard to respond to both subs.)

I know I’ll get ripped apart as I’ve treated someone very unfairly, but I will not respond to unpleasant remarks, I will only try to answer questions to clarify if they are reasonable.

I met my friend in college and we became casual friends. There was one point where he asked me to dinner, I accepted thinking we were going as friends, but quickly realized I needed to clarify. I told him I had a lot going on and didn’t want to drag anyone else into my mess. That was the last time we talked about it. I was dealing with trauma from being SAed as a child, self-harm, low-self esteem, an eating disorder, and was incredibly protective of my inner self so while it was true I didn't want to bring anyone into my baggage, I did not make it clear I wasn't interested in him, in general.

Fast forward to now, 10+ years later, I am still working on my issues but met and married someone while in grad school. I remained in touch with my friend and we text everyday about casual things. Dating and romantic life never really came up, so we never discussed it. I also never really discussed any of my personal issues so while he may feel we are close to each other, I am still holding back my entire self from him. Like other friends who I have not let into my tight circle, he only sees what I decide is safe to show.

I am happy married to a very kind and gentle man with strong convictions. He is extremely patient and supportive but told me from his observation that while I am working hard to get through my trauma, I can’t use it as an excuse to hurt others. And he’s right, in my selfishness to protect myself from more trauma and vulnerability, I have been protecting my self for more than 2 decades by being extremely private and providing information about myself on a very limited “as needed basis.” My husband supports whatever decision I make, but I appreciate his thoughts in this.

This friend has made it clear he’s still interested from both my and my husband’s perspective. In the 10+ years of our friendship, he hasn’t dated seriously, made several offhand comments about me being a great person/woman recently, been asking to meet more often and pay for my meals, and recently tried to covertly ask about my plans on Valentine’s Day. I don't think he knows I'm married and I've never told him.

I am not looking to make excuses, I just wanna hear perspectives on what others would do/if you were on the other side of this situation. I’m still in very intensive therapy and have explored this a bit in therapy and I feel awful, guilty, and ultimately like I’m going to really hurt someone whose only offered kindness to me, so I am not looking to make excuses to my friend. Thank you.

TLDR: Friend asked me out 10+ years ago, I declined cause I'm human baggage, and 10+ years later, we're still friends, he's still interested, but I never told him I've been happily married for 5+ years.

Edit: Hello. I have gotten several really mean PMs about how my trauma "wasn't that bad" and I'm making excuses and that this isn't real. So to be clear, my trauma stems partially from being SAed as a child. My mother would let men come have sex with me and then they would take pictures of their cigarette burns on me as a "trophy" to share with others. It got worse as I got older. I became pregnant from one of these instances and had an abortion at 14, was put in the care of my grandparents, after. Please stop telling me "it wasn't that bad." Thank you.

Submitted February 14, 2022 at 12:05AM by 10yrsThrowaway https://ift.tt/oCRgU80