Divorced for a week and feel lost
Background: Military guy who just finished a 21 year career and is transitioning to medical school in May. Was married to another military member for the last 6 years and it was a tough one. From dating to finality there was a lack of perspective and understanding within the relationship. Constant turmoil and borderline hostile in most regards. My wife always felt as though everyone was against her and effective communication was a non-starter. No amount of calm talk or perspective sharing ever changed the way she would interact with me. Broke me daily because she was soft with everyone else and yet treated me like I was not worthy of softness.
This marriage, as tough as it was, began to unravel quickly after we made plans for my retirement and transition to school. Thinking back, almost every decision that was made was made together with the exception of decisions she wanted in spite of my feelings. She began to push me away even more than usual as we got closer to my transition and would become even angrier over small misunderstandings. I never had trust issues but something wasn’t sitting right in my mind. Long story short, I caught her and her boss in a relationship that began atleast 4 months prior. I was devastated.
Tried to minimize the situation as best I could for mental protection. This dragged on with us still living together until I was set to depart and eventually that became so volatile due to her constant lies and continued contact with this person. I was crushed, depressed, and constantly sad. She would tell me things like “ You are allowing yourself to be a victim and we aren’t victims. We are toxic and this needs to end” Saying these things made me question myself in a way that diverted from her actions. I found myself rewinding our entire history together and looking for a reason to be at peace with this.
Between these moments of dissociative pain I would lean on my friends who hadn’t abandoned me due to my relationship. I say that because over the years trying to please her and put out her life fires had caused me to withdraw from pretty much every friendship and some even walked away from me..understandably so. A prime example of the expectation she levied on me was her idea that if I am going to med school and will be busy then I shouldn’t have time for friends and only time for her. (Damn reading some of this in my mind I’m wondering how I was so blind inside of this relationship)
A friend of mine eventually talked me into moving out and that was the single healthiest thing that occurred. I gained a better perspective from a distance and was able to file/finalize our divorce. This part was not easy as well because she told me she never expected me to do it and that she had hoped I would change my mind and fight for us. That revelation from her made me truly angry for the first time in all of this. In her mind she is trying to displace the ending of our relationship on me and the decision to end this pain as if she had nothing to do with it. I would ask her if she were me what would she do and she always said that she couldn’t speak to me let alone be with me if I had been unfaithful to her.
Unfortunately the biggest loss for me was my step-son who I had grown very close to. I found myself so perplexed that not once did she consider her son in her poor decisions.
I am now living with family in another state while I wait to start school. I turned 39 recently, have no debt, a full pension and once graduated from med school I am set to take over the family business. All of these aspects are so amazing and positive but I feel so empty. Although that relationship was eroding me, I have recently come to realize that many of the goals I set were contingent upon wanting a better life for my family. I now feel lost and fractured.
I seemingly have everything that many people want but feel a great deal of mourning for the relationship that wasn’t amazing but was a relationship nonetheless. Having to try and think about dating or anything like that makes me feel feelings I had long forgotten. The fears of rejection, the knowing I am starting from scratch and must rebuild, the concern that I may fall into another meat grinder.
TLDR: Recently divorced and not sure how to be single again. Need some encouragement.
Submitted February 14, 2022 at 04:21AM by davey_cakes https://ift.tt/PRACTEX
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