I want to go NC with my parents despite them now being amazing to me. Is there something wrong with me?

My parents currently are normal, loving, and caring parents, but they weren't always like that. I was physically abused until I was around 10, and the emotional abuse didn't stop until I moved out. Most of the times I have been beaten by my parents were unremarkable, but I vividly remember a few incidents.

One of the worst ones was when my brother had me in a leglock, choking me. I began shaking my head and body incessantly because I was unable to breathe, and I wanted to escape. Because of this, I managed to escape but my brother hit his head against the corner of the wall. He was bawling and went downstairs crying to mom. She called me downstairs and beat the ever-loving shit out of me. She used hardcover books, phones, rods, and her bare hands.

I was crying, begging her to stop, and it felt like an eternity, despite only lasting 2-3 minutes. I ran to my room and barricaded my door with my bed and cried as long as I could. Later that day, I was called back downstairs to have a talk with my mom. I had been avoiding her out of fear after that, and she had the fucking gall to say "You have no right to be mad at me, I was protecting my son". She never heard my side of the story. NOTHING she did then was to protect my brother.

Another time, she went on a screaming rage when my brother took his time eating dinner and brutally slapped his head multiple times. She stormed off while screaming at my brother "IF YOU DON'T FINISH YOUR FOOD BY THE TIME I GET BACK DOWNSTAIRS, THEN ILL SHATTER YOUR NOSE ON THE TABLE'"

Most of the time when my mom abused my brother or me, my dad was at work, but this was one of the few times he was actually home to witness it. Much to my surprise, he did NOTHING. He didn't physically stop her, he didn't even try to tell her to stop. All he did was usher my brother to wolf down his food so he didn't get another beating, as did I. This man, who I saw as my protector proved useless. From then on, I couldn't feel safe with him.

A few years later, I was just starting to process that what I had experienced was indeed abuse, and asked my dad about getting therapy to help, as I had been feeling depressed. What I didn't tell him is that I felt suicidal. I tried to downplay what I was going through to not draw much concern but just told him that I felt I needed therapy.

I was told, "You see, if I take you to therapy, they might take mom to jail". That broke me. My mental health had been in the trenches for nearly the last year, and the one time I get the courage to open up about it, I get denied because your spouse might get justice served to her? By this point, the physical abuse stopped, but the mental abuse had gotten much worse. Little did he know that this would eventually start a snowball that would balloon up into my suicide attempt.

My parents and I got into frequent screaming matches where everything got so heated to the point I was in tears trying desperately to de-escalate whatever stupid shit I said, but the rage, hatred, and hostility that was frequently expressed to me via ear-shattering screams got to me every bloody time.

A little bit later, my relationship with my dad had been on the mend, and I tried to talk to him about the abuse I faced years prior at the hands of my mom, and when I brought it up, he deadpanned "Why can't you just get over it?". From then, I knew not to open up to my parents, which led to me having huge issues with opening up to other people.

My parents both used to agree that the frequent beatings my brother and I went through was child abuse, but the more I poked and prodded around the topic, it was revealed to me that they didn't really think about it like that. They just thought it was a "Few instances" where my mom lost her cool for a little. That couldn't be further from the truth. To learn that they didn't even give a flying fuck about what they did was immensely damaging to my psyche.

As of now, I am afraid of sudden loud noises, sudden movements towards me, and my parent's footsteps. I don't think that I can open up to anyone, as it is simply too mentally exhausting for me to do that. I don't think I can comfortably be in a relationship with a woman in fear they are as ruthless as my mother was.

My mother, as you may have guessed, also faced abuse at the hands of her parent. It was much more severe than what I went through, and she wrote a memoir about it. I read the first few chapters and broke down crying, not out of sympathy, but out of rage.

I had noticed so many similar things that my mother's father would do to her that she would mirror, and do the same. The mere fact that she had the self-awareness to write about it, scrutinize the style of parenting, write multiple paragraphs on how people who do that are sadistic psychopaths who want to show dominance, while still not noticing that she did the exact same things absolutely fucking destroyed me.

As of now, I have received tearful apologies countless times, both of my parents do everything they can to make up for it, and it shows that they recognized their mistakes and are actively bettering themselves. I can't control not wanting them in my life. Every time we hug, every time we talk, every time I see them, I get reminded of the abuse I faced, and then the complete dismissal of it all.

I'm sorry for the long post, but I tried to shorten it and cut out as much irrelevant info as possible. I still deeply resent my parents for what they did to me and how it still affects me. I don't know if I am a bad person for it or not, but to be frank, I don't even care at this point.

TL;DR: My parents used to abuse me, then trivialized it, then denied it was abuse. It left me in shambles. I desperately want to cut them out soon. They have since apologized profusely while in tears and tried their best to make up for it. I still deeply hate their guts, and I don't know what to do with myself.

Submitted February 10, 2022 at 09:02PM by Dynoidd https://ift.tt/wT6hUv4