My (30F) dad (50sM) has stage 4 lung cancer and is dying. How do I reach out to him after resenting him for years?

TL;DR: My dad had a very bad problem with alcohol/drug addiction and it tore apart my immediate family and especially my relationship with him. I pushed away all of his attempts at reconciling with me year after year, and now he has stage 4 lung cancer and is dying and I don't know how to make sure we both have closure. What do I say or do?

Hi all, I hope this is okay. My dad and I were close when I was a kid, as most children are with their dads, but he had a lot of problems with alcohol and drug use which put us at odds by the time I was old enough to understand what both did to him personality-wise. He was by all accounts, mean and terrible and awful when drunk/high, especially to my mom, and ultimately it drove us apart. For a long time, I turned down all of his attempts at reconciliation. I resented him, hated him for what he did to my mom, how he left us with mountains of bills that he left unpaid when he randomly moved out one day to be with his girlfriend in another state, even during the past few years when my sister told me he was doing better and getting help for his addictions, I refused to reach out. Even when he wanted to see me, to try to apologize for everything he did, I told him I wasn't interested. I pushed him away.

Well, about a month ago my sister told me he was in the hospital and they diagnosed him with stage 4 lung cancer. I knew he wasn't doing well because she told me, but also because stage 4 cancer is obviously very serious. I struggled with whether or not to reach out to him to get some closure, and I never did. He's back in the hospital again, per my sister, and while he's still conscious and alert and talking, she told me she doesn't think he's going to leave the hospital.

She gave me his number and I finally called him. As soon as he heard my voice I heard him break down in tears, sobbing, telling me how happy he was to hear from me through his very obviously medication-heavy voice. He sounded so weak and tired and sick and I immediately hated myself for not reaching out sooner. And now I don't know how I can make sure we both have closure. We didn't speak for long, he was tired and the hospital service made the call drop pretty fast, but I could tell he liked hearing my voice.

I want to call again tomorrow, but I don't know what to say or do to make sure we both have closure. I don't know what to tell him - I still hate what he did all those years ago and the person he was, but I hate myself for not reaching out sooner when I first heard he was sick, and now he's so, so, so sick and weak and even though he was a terrible person for a time period in my life, he's still my dad. I don't know how to say goodbye in a way that patches things up between us.

Any advice for what I can do? Sorry this is a mouthful, I have a lot on my mind.

Submitted January 03, 2022 at 04:05PM by hrhashley https://ift.tt/3zr45nq