Is my mom and I's relationship past the point of no return? (PLEASE please read if you can, I know this is long but I genuinely have nowhere else to then and express how I really feel)
I saw my mother was still awake in the spare room so I asked her what was up, she said she was having trouble sleeping (she has known insomnia), we got to talking.
I started talking about how I'm desperately looking for therapy cause I feel like I'm definitely in the middle of a pretty severe depressive state. She went on to say (as she has said before many times) that I "need a boyfriend" and that the social interaction I get from a relationship will help me out of my depression. I went on to explain that I don't think it's really healthy to lean my mental health on a man and relationship and that I really think I just need therapy and she went on to say she wasn't saying that she just thinks that I'm not getting a lot of social interaction and that a relationship can help fill a lot in one's life.
We then went on to my room since we didn't want to disrupt anyone's sleep. The conversation ended up taking a turn to what I think is causing my depression and why I think I'm in a depressive episode in the first place. I explained that I feel a constant lack of motivation in my life and a giant brick wall that stops me from getting enjoyment out of things or wanting to do anything productive.
My mother went on to start basically a lecture on how the reason I am feeling depressed is that I have too much time on my hands, have a very good "cushioned" life, and that allows me to overthink things and become depressed and unproductive. She went on to talk about how bad my dad and her had it growing up and how that left them without the time to be unmotivated or sit around depressed. She said that I need to go through life thinking that everything I have could be taken away tomorrow (it even seemed to take a hinting undercurrent that my parents could cut me off and leave me having yo completely support myself, a fact that I found hilarious considering I had initially brought up how I want to start applying to a lot of scholarships to help pay for my housing and she replied that I shouldn't worry so much about that and they would let me know if it was a struggle). She said that being put in that survival mode would "snap anyone out of depression."
I simply responded by nodding and affirming what she was saying because I see no point in explicitly disagreeing with her anymore cause it'll never get anywhere, she'll have to be right. I guess I wasn't pretending hard enough though cause she was pestering me throughout the convo about why I was "so quiet" and how she wanted to hear how I thought about what she was saying. She asked me if I acted like this with my friends and I said yes cause it's kinda true, I'm not the most talkative person in general. In the end she ended up saying that she's gonna leave because it's clear I'm just saying whatever to get her to leave, which yeah sure, but I was also genuinely trying to pretend to agree with what she was saying.
I agree with what she's saying about me having a lot and having a good life but nothing of what she said made me feel better in any way. All this conversation did was further my anxiety about becoming financially independent asap as it seems my support is in jeopardy, I can't keep pretending and taking my mother's harsh "love" for much longer. I understand that I have it good, in fact, I have mentioned many times how it makes me feel worse knowing I have all I could ever want and I'm still unhappy. I mean she went as far as to ask if I thought of hurting myself (I said no cause I haven't really) so thanks for that.
But anyways, the whole point is this is how conversations with my mom usually go and I don't really feel this relationship is healthy for me? But I could also really just genuinely be not realizing my privilege and how good I have it and self victimizing. I'm really not sure anymore.
I genuinely apologize for this being so long, I wish I could make it shorter!
TL;DR Had a conversation about my possible depression w my mom tonight and it didn't really go well :')
Submitted January 06, 2022 at 12:37AM by thisisausername10000 https://ift.tt/3t3CNlJ
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