Hello. I would love some insight or advice on what to do here and if I am even using the term “daddy issues” correctly.
I’ve been with my SO Ryan for about 8 years now. We have been long-distant for a part of it, and are looking to take the next step (moving in, marriage)
Background: Ryan and I were raised in the same town with very different families. I am a hybrid only child (much older siblings, never lived with them), and very close with my parents. Ryan’s dad left when they were young and is in and out of rehab. He is not close with either of his parents at all. He has one sibling he is close with.
Ryan works as an admin /exec assistant in a large city and often gets “assigned” to work with people. He’s met many new people through his career and recently had a career change. As an exec, he would spend once a week or once every two weeks working alongside his bosses – not a daily thing.
So when I met him, his was an assistant for a man named Dave. Dave was in his 50’s and a very successful business man. Ryan always spoke about Dave in the most positive way, giving me constant updates, having me watch videos of Dave presenting, getting to know the family, etc. A couple times, however, Dave kind of treated Ryan like he “was the hired help” (his words) and Ryan realized that Dave would never value Ryan the way Ryan values him…
So up next is John. John is also in his 50’s and Ryan started to repeat the same things he did with Dave, with John. You could see the admiration that Ryan had for John anytime he spoke of him, in relation to him, etc. This is when I started picking up on the obsessiveness Ry had over these two men. John lives far away and Ryan eventually stopped working for him but they still keep in contact
Next, and the main character of this story, is Steve.
Steve is in his later 40’s and Ryan started working for him about 7 years ago. Through the years they have gotten closer, and in the last few years Ryan has gotten obsessive, to the point that Steve is starting to notice and make comments.
Steve is mentioned at least 20 times in a day, for mundane things that don’t matter. Ryan has picked up on many of Steve’s habits from the way he talks, to his appearance, and his mannerisms. He started listening to music he used to hate because Steve likes it, and do hobbies he doesn’t like because Steve likes it. Also, his former hobbies that he actually does love still, he puts on a show and acts like he doesn’t care about in front of Steve. He was so genuine around Steve when they first met but I feel like he’s trying way too hard now and he is completely fake around Steve. He hasn’t acted this way around John or Dave so this is a whole new level of worship. He spent over $30,000 remodeling his house to match Steves (I’m not joking, he did it so he could show Steve what he did) and this is when Steve finally started to notice and make comments about him copying everything (Ryan thinks he’s joking but I can tell he is serious).
Steve and his SO got me a very generous gift after I did them a favor, and Ryan was so jealous over it that he was lashing out at me for three days due to the jealousy that I got something from Steve and he didn’t (he didn’t say this, but I knew this is what triggered him). Also, what I did for them – he wanted NO part of. He thought I was getting closer to Steve and family and he didn’t like that.
Also, Ryan is progressively disliking Steve’s best friend more and more. Steve and his best friend, Adam, are close in age and hold the same job titles. They have been friends for over three decades and are incredibly close. Ryan actually met Steve through Adam! In the last year or so, Ryan has had this vengeance against Adam and doesn’t hold back at the opportunity to speak negatively about Adam to Steve in hopes of driving a wedge between the two – so Ryan can take his place as the “best friend”. I finally told him to stop because it’s going to look bad on him. However, Adam has also shared with me some concerns he has with Adam (that were valid and more of constructive criticism), and I think Steve may also think these things as well, but I won’t share that with Ryan.
I know Steve well and I do love him and his family as close friends, but the obsession from Ryan is starting to hit a concerning point with me. I was recently told by Ryan that Steve has done a lot for Ryan’s career and Steve will always be the number one priority to Ryan, no matter what. The irony behind this is that Steve would probably start to pull back from Ryan a little bit if he knew the point of obsession Ryan was at. Steve has told me his personal philosophies and they are significantly different than Ryan’s. (Money first vs family first).
I don’t know how to tread this conversation but it’s starting to worry me. I think this stems from not having a father figure in his life and him wanting to have that relationship with an older male figure now. People other than myself have suggester therapy but he won’t listen or take it. It’s just getting exhausting at this point. I don’t feel like I am competing against him for my SO’s attention because it’s clear (in his words) that Steve is always number one. I’m more concerned with the root of this problem, which is the daddy issues, Ryan’s obsession, and how to help him think differently / see this differently.
TLDR: SO has daddy issues, clones himself to be like this father figure he found, and everyone is starting to take notice. Prioritizes "daddy" over everyone else in his life and it’s getting to a worrisome point. How to retrain this behavior / what to do about this?
Submitted January 04, 2022 at 06:14PM by distrubeddaddyissues https://ift.tt/3qVTEV4
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