My [21f] boyfriend [20m] doesn't like when I get quietly frustrated and prefers I tell him how I feel - but when I do, he gets upset that I'm acting upset. What do I do?

Hi everyone,

Let me first start off by saying my boyfriend is the most wonderful, amazing, and sweetest person I know. I'm aware that everyone on this subreddit says a similar thing but I really do mean it. He cares about me, loves me, and says he wants to be with me forever. He relies on me for emotional support (not in an overbearing way - more like, he trusts me to be able to give him comfort when he's having a hard time). He wants to spend time with me and talk to me often.

The issue I'm having right now is something I want to fix. Breaking up is not something I'm interested in. We've been together for three months, and 'hanging out' for a few months before that, and we love each other. I don't think this is something that can't be fixed.

Okay, so - an issue I've had is communicating when I'm upset. This is the biggest stressor/anxiety-inducer for my boyfriend, whose ex-girlfriend did this to him (they had a toxic relationship where she would constantly stonewall him, so me being reluctant/refusing to share my feelings when upset would trigger him). As soon as I found this out, I've been working really hard to communicate whenever I feel sad or upset or any type of negative feeling. He told me, "when you're upset, you can tell me however you feel. And if you need to be alone, just tell me that, but please also tell me you love me or give me some comfort so I don't feel like you're upset at me." I felt like this was fair, so anytime I feel sad or frustrated about something, I tell him, "I'm feeling sad, but I'm not mad at you, I love you." I usually refrain from having alone time, even though I usually need it, because it makes things tense.

The issue is that whenever I express that I'm sad, I always do something that makes him upset with me anyway. For example, today I was frustrated he beat me in a shooting game he's very good at, 15-0. I sighed and he could tell I was feeling off so he asked if I was okay, and I said "yeah I'm okay, just annoyed". He asked why, and I said "because of the score, but it's fine, I love you a lot. You're a really good player, that last kill was awesome."

He asked if I wanted to watch something with him, like maybe something on youtube, and I said "that's okay, I wanna watch some of my own stuff for a bit". He sounded hurt when he said "okay". It was the first time I'd asked for alone time after getting frustrated/sad/upset etc, and I was worried he'd take it badly, but I wanted to be able to ask for alone time without being afraid of his reaction, and it took a lot of courage to say this (I hate saying no). After I finished my episode, maybe about half an hour later, I spoke again (we were still on a voice call, I'd just muted myself), and said "hi, how are you?" and he said "hi, I'm okay" (a level below 'good') so I asked him if it was because of me getting frustrated at the game. He said "Yeah, I don't like it when you're upset." I don't know why he said this because I was just a little annoyed and frustrated, not actually upset. I said "I wasn't upset" but I don't remember what he replied to that - just that he said "it's okay if you're frustrated but I don't like it when you look upset". I had to clarify something with him so I asked, "are you saying that it's okay for me to be frustrated, but not to show that I'm upset to you?" and he said "yes."

This really shocked me. I'd always thought that it was okay to be able to express that you're upset or act upset in the presence of the other person, as long as you don't lash out or say anything that would hurt them. I'm not planning on doing that. But I remember one time, another time when I was sad, he said "it's okay if you're upset, as long as you look happy and I can't tell."

I feel sad about this because I feel like whenever I'm sad, I either have to not tell him how I feel and just act happy (which never works because he can always tell, and just keeps asking until I admit it, and then he gets upset that I didn't say anything in the first place), or I have to tell him how I feel but then suppress my feelings and act happy when I talk to him - like laugh, make jokes, look actively happy. I saw him on call when I was sad one time - he could tell I was sad, after I told him I was sad, and I didn't want him to be upset because I told him I was upset so I just put on a smile and made jokes and laughed and he became immediately happier.

I want him to be happy. I really love him. But faking how I feel is just so draining. He tells me not to compare the way I treat him to the way he treats me but I feel like I have to. Whenever he's upset, even if it's in the middle of the night, I will stay awake for as long as it takes, listen to everything he's saying. And the first thing I do is validate how he's feeling. If he says he's upset, I say that that's fair, and if he says he thinks he's being dramatic or overreacting, I always assure him that he's not. I talk to him in length about why his reaction (of feeling upset at whatever he's upset about) is legitimate and why he shouldn't second-guess how he feels. Then I give him love and comfort, tell him I'm always there for him. Then, if it's at night, I sing him to sleep sometimes, too.

I don't mind doing this at all. I love giving him love. I love making him feel happy. What makes me sad is that whenever I'm sad, he doesn't give me love like I do. Granted, he does ask for love when he's upset, but I don't, mainly because I feel like in a situation where either one of us is upset, it should be a given that we give each other love. Perhaps asking for love more often would help, but I just wish he would do it of his own accord.

When I'm upset, he doesn't validate how I feel. And if he does, he says "you're allowed to be upset." But that's all he says, and then he often still gets upset about me acting visibly upset.

I'm going to talk to him about this today but I just don't know if I'm even justified in feeling this way. I just feel so empty and devoid of energy because I've had to focus not only on telling him I'm upset (which although it's something I do all the time now, it's still new and something I'm getting used to), but also that I have to pretend to be okay when I'm not. I wish he would also give me love or comfort me or at least genuinely validate me.

In addition to this, I'm getting frustrated often because pretty much every activity we do together is something either he enjoys, or something he is very good at. We're currently watching an anime he loves, and another show he loves. We play two games that he suggested we play together, and they're games that he's really good at and practices for hours each day, and there was another one we used to play often that was his idea as well, that he was also very good at. We read together which I love but all the books we read are his choices. Like yesterday, he asked me if I wanted to read something with him (over video call, like using shared screen) and I said yes. He asked me what I wanted to read and I took a moment to think about it and then he said "okay I have a few choices you can pick from (probably to make my decision easier, though)". I picked one of the three options and yes it's a good book and I'm really enjoying it but it's his idea for an activity as well. I think in all the time we've been together, we've watched one movie of my choosing, and versed each other in sudoku once (I'm very good at it compared to him, and love doing them for fun) but he found them hard and didn't want to do it again (I think he's open to it again now, though). We've been planning on watching a movie I've been wanting to watch with him for a while now, but we never get around to it. Each night he says he's not in the mood or wants to play a shooting game so I play with him even though I know that there's no point because I'm going to lose, and it makes me feel bad about myself. I feel like I have no hobbies or interests and everything I do is what he wants to do and that makes me feel sad because I want there to be something I'm good at, too. All the games he's suggested we play together are games he's very good at and has taught me, and I want to find something for me to get good at and teach him too. I found one game but he said his storage wasn't big enough but there was a similar game that he had always wanted to play so could we play that, instead? I told him later it's because I felt like I wasn't good at any of the games he suggested, and that I wanted to have a game that I could teach him (so this is something I have mentioned to him, but maybe just a couple days ago) and after I told him that, he said, "I've been wanting to play this game though. You could get good at this one and teach it to me instead of the other one." I gave up. I stopped playing the game I wanted to teach him. I've stopped looking for a game.

Am I in the wrong? I want to feel like I'm contributing my interests to the relationship too, maybe feel good about myself (hopefully) because right now I feel like I'm pretty terrible at everything, I lose every game, and I don't feel like joining game nights with our friends because I suck. I just don't feel like talking to anyone. I just want to cry. I can't show him I'm upset and it makes me feel so hollow and tired.

Any advice on how to deal with this is appreciated. I'm not breaking up with him, that's ridiculous, so please don't suggest that. I know I just have to communicate this with him but he's asleep right now so I can't, but when he wakes up I will. I just need to know if I'm okay to feel upset and show it, or if that's not normal. This is my first relationship and his second.

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tl;dr: My boyfriend gets upset when I don't tell him I'm upset, but also when I tell him I'm upset and then look upset. We also do a lot of activities that he's good at and are his idea, and I feel inadequate and it's making me feel bad about myself.

Submitted September 26, 2021 at 04:23AM by my-whole-heart https://ift.tt/3kHlvq1