I [26F] found out I shouldn't have kids due to a genetic condition I have. I'm having a really difficult time with it and am struggling to not isolate myself from my partner [28M] because I feel guilty about it.

Background on condition: It's neurological and has taken 12 whole years to figure out/manage for me. It can manifest itself in FAR worse ways than I have it, and I cannot, with a clear conscience, potentially expose a child to it knowing that I have it and it would be my fault if they couldn't walk/talk/run/etc. It isn't always genetic (sometimes it just happens to people), but mine is, I have the gene, so I could give it to a child.

My boyfriend was married 2 years ago and they were discussing children before they divorced. We've been together about a year. He is totally on board with adoption/IVF with genetic modification if we wanted to try it, but I am seriously hurting from this and feel like I've failed him (or any potential partner). I also cannot morally justify 60k+ on IVF/genetic testing when we could put that money (and then some) towards adoption/fostering instead. That's just me, though.

I am in therapy, and I know I'm basically grieving something that never was (baby/fertility). I'm having a very hard time not pushing him away and just isolating myself from any kind of relationship due to the fact that I feel like I've failed. He confided in me that, when adoption was brought up in his marriage before me (they were having trouble conceiving), and when it was discussed with his parents, his mom made the comment that they have a "great bloodline that should be passed down." Of course, that makes me quite insecure, given the fact that I would potentially "ruin" said bloodline. I kinda wish he hadn't told me that when we were discussing adoption because it's all I can hear, but I digress.

I guess my questions here are:

1) How do I navigate this and separate my feelings of guilt from the reality of him still wanting to be with me? Is that just a therapy thing?

2) How can I best explain my feelings so he knows I'm not actively trying to push away, I'm just really sad and lost right now?

3) Should I tackle this outside of a relationship?

tl;dr: can't have kids. Boyfriend was married and trying before they got divorced. Boyfriend's mom is adamant about continuing their bloodline. I'm deeply grieving this whole thing and am struggling to balance my relationship with him with my own tendencies to isolate when I'm down like this. Any advice?

Submitted May 04, 2021 at 02:52PM by Wooden-Side4617 https://ift.tt/2Rufxwg