My husband [36M] had affair with ex-girlfriend from highschool [36M] who has daughter [18monthold/F] and I'm worried how it will affect me [37F] and my daughter [8F].

I've used some affair jargon in this post, and also, names have been changed.

OW = other woman

AP = affair partner

BS = betrayed spouse

HW = homewrecker

STBXH = soon to be ex-husband

WS = wayward spouse

If you see these in this post, that will help you understand (Sorry... using jargon and explaining it is part of my day job).

My husband told me last night that he's leaving me for his high school classmate Sadie (now 36) who he's been talking to online, and that he's going to create a blended family with our daughter and her daughter.

He told me how Sadie had contacted him months ago, explaining that her husband left her for an OW as his AP in August 2019, he'd moved from Maryland to Texas, and she's starting to plan divorce proceedings; he moved in with the OW before the pandemic had started and hasn't been heard from since. She'd tried contacting him about their kid... never heard back.

He explained the affair was never physical (couldn't be for obvious reasons; we're in California, she's in Maryland) and was online-only, since November 2019.

He then showed me a photo Sadie sent him, of her in black bra and panties standing next to her Toyota RAV4 SUV. It was a selfie, basically.

Sadie's been married since 2014 to her STBXH; she didn't suspect an affair was going on until she found online evidence on her computer; emails to and from this woman including the smoking gun of "I've left my wife for you" to this woman in their shared email inbox. She's been looking at divorce attorneys, he told me, and she sent him copies of what should be confidential emails.

Sadie told him how things were scary, he'd yelled at her because she WASN'T a Trump supporter AT ALL and she sent him a picture of scars he left on her legs and belly from when he attacked her over her not being a Trump supporter; she was too frightned to report it to the police; in her house, Trump was such an issue that it caused so much friction she was frightened to be with him, and that he'd drunk vodka and rum from 11am until 8pm some days.

Sadie has an 18-month-old daughter with her husband.

My husband has known Sadie since September 1997, and last saw her at the end of June 2002, but hadn't heard from her since November 2002 officially.

He dated her from February 2001 to November 2002, but she'd moved from Arizona to live in Maryland with her family and of course back then it was harder to date long-distance with no social media and poorer-quality video-calls. He essentially wants to pick up where he left off.

I've been with my husband since August 2008, we met as friends in July 2008, started dating in August 2008, married by September 2013, and we've got an 8-year-old daughter.

I really had no idea my husband was cheating on me online, no reason to be suspicious.

But his revelation he had an OW really made me realize I'd become a BS.

I had no idea he had an OW!

I've heard standard claims about an affair, "You don't know what he's like until you've washed his dirty underwear", "It won't be so hot when you're dealing with bills, leaky toilet, ramen noodles, paying for two cars, choosing a restaurant".

But in this case, it's a bit more complex isn't it??

Let's say he divorces me. What happens when things slow down, reality hits? Isn't it about everything that you know and feel for this OW IN an affair setting! Not reality, not sharing responsibility with her, money, a house, her being step mom to your daughter, her family, your family, dealing with the fallout, friends picking sides, inlaws - A whole life change.

Am I right to think that he's based everything on an affair setting, moving in with her, and are the issues of friends picking sides, in-laws, sharing responsibility the Three Big Issues?

He said he's thought about blended families, but has he REALLY thought about blended families, how this is going to work out in the long run? Getting involved and also not only dealing with your stuff, but hers too? Her family, friends, relatives, as well as yours? Does he really know her well enough (he's known her for 24 years so may 'know' her in one sense, but he probably don't KNOW her as an adult, how she handles crisis, how her communication skills are, her bad habits, etc) to throw away all that he has with me? She obviously has to be thinking the same thing or if she isn't, well, it's worrying.

Won't blended families be the BIG sticking point here?

Granted, Sadie has an 18-month old daughter so parenting is perhaps a new issue to her, it's her only child.

You can't really say Sadie cheated on her husband as he didn't talk to her until AFTER he'd left her, and secondly, he was already in an affair, so no issue of her husband beating up my husband.

I'm probably going to meet her some day, if only for the sake of access to my daughter unless I can get custody.

But my husband is determined to plow on with this, and pick up where he left off... 19 years later.

Is this odd that he ADMITTED to an affair, with no prompting? The conversation came out of the blue.

As for him picking up where he left off, what do you think the REALITY will be like of him moving in with his OW AP and the blended family, just in case anyone else on here asks this question?

What do you think will be the BIGGEST issues for them (apart maybe from lack of trust), especially the reality of a blended family and will friends picking sides really be as big an issue as I thought?

I've never had to worry about affairs before, so this is all new to me.

Please guide me on what to do for the best, emotionally; the divorce lawyer side is slowly coming along, I'm researching it.

I'm unsure how to do things properly to get the best outcome for my daughter. I really don't want the blended family thing but my husband's pushing for it with Sadie and Sadie really wants it!

What do you think could be possible outcomes for everyone in this situation?

I really need advice from everyone here, and thank you for reading.

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**TL:DR**: Husband had online affair with ex-girlfriend, now intends to move our daughter to Maryland and create blended family.

Submitted April 21, 2021 at 09:44AM by tuhhonakawin https://ift.tt/3dFo6gH