My girlfriend(32F) broke up with me (33M) because of toxic behavior I wasn't aware I was doing. I'm posting to share what I did so that hopefully others can learn, also.

Huge fan of r.relationships, but almost all posts generally outline external grievances or offenses. In this case, I would like to share the offense I did in the hopes others can become more self-aware if they are heading down the same path without even having a clue.

This is painful to write as I still love her, but important to write, so I won't do the same next round

1.) Whenever she brought up an issue, comment, or annoyance, I would always cover for myself through defensiveness. She was very smart and picked up on it instantly, but when she patiently explained it to me, I would double-down even more. She's not wrong; how can you express interest in another's feelings if you don't allow them to have their say with some breathing room. I'm in therapy to learn why I did that, but my only guess (and it's a broad one) is general immaturity.

2.) I also always assumed negative intent by her words or actions. A simple comment such as "Hey, are you sure you want to go to dinner...you look tired?" in my mind would translate to "you played golf all day with your friends and I feel disappointed you look tired." That's not what she was saying it all. I did this hundreds of times and the microaggressions finally got to her.

3.) I held internal conversations about the direction of our relationship. What I mean by that is I would concoct ideas or plans without even telling my partner. An example of this would be "it's raining so let's not go to the beach." That action would happen, but she would never understand why. Where this blew up the most though were major life events, in particular a move. I held all the internal details to myself and then would explode if when she voiced a different opinion, later on. Very strange behavior from me, and I'm curious where it came from. I literally held distinct conversations with myself that impacted her life regularly.

4.) Egotism. The first three examples are more communication, maturity based issues, but Egotism is charting more towards toxic tendencies (in my opinion). An example of this would be as follows: This past Fall I had lung infection that grounded me from all activities because of Covid. I Gained 20 pounds, lost cognitive ability, and had weird headaches. I became very aggressive, only believing that I could be special enough to be experiencing something so awful. Well, that's not true. Millions of people have tough days every day. I'm not so self-important that people need to serve me exclusively when I have issues of my own. This one impacted her the most, because I applied to work, travel, other relationships, you name it. It was always self-centered, and as such the other person didn't receive any benefits.

And finally, 5.) I honestly quit listening. I always believed myself as a very emotionally intelligent guy who could do no wrong in that department (see 4: Egotism). It's true, I am very good in professional and non romantic relationships there. But turns out not so much in romantic ones. When we would have conversations, I would brush off her delivery by zoning out, cutting her off, completely demeaning what she was saying out of the gate. And then, because I didn't listen, I would repeat the same behaviors she wanted to address in the first place. When she bring this to my attention, I would always shrug it off, saying I was present. This actually led to a deep distrust on her end.

This isn't a one person is bad, one person is good post. And I'm sorry, because none of these items are particularly sexy. We should also be real; some of the behaviors were impacted by her behavior, too. But, all of these things compiled together though led to a failure of my most important relationship to date. So, I hope you gain some wisdom from what I did. Also, if you have any suggestions or ideas why I did what I did, would be grateful to hear them also.

Hang tough relationship folks! Things do seem to get worse before they get better. But they always get better.

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TL:DR I was self-righteous and wasn't self aware enough to understand how my behavior affected others.

Submitted April 23, 2021 at 04:09PM by BostjanNachbar https://ift.tt/3gwrdt7