I’ve been with my partner since we were 18 and were coming up on a decade now.
Though I love my partner and his family I have been hesitant on”future talk” because I’m worried about committing to the family dynamic for a lifetime. His brother is 34 years old and still living at home with his parents.
It is very obvious, to me at least, bro is on the autism spectrum though the parents never acknowledge it. Seriously, in 10 years no one has uttered the word. Sometimes they refer to him as ADHD but it’s more than that. He’s extremely high functioning (i know this is an outdated term), and has a decent job, one good friend and a solid hobby. He just- doesn’t do or want anything.
He spends all day watching TV, all day, even during the pandemic, the same spot for 14 hours. All of his conversations seen to be running on a script almost- the same questions, to everyone, he doesn’t know how to move a conversation organically. He also shows some soft signs like not making eye contact, improper speech inflections, and really struggling with knowing how people around him are feeling (this is actually becoming an issue because he “teases” people he likes but can’t read when they’re starting to get upset).
In all the years I’ve known him, he’s never had “plans”. He sits on the couch in the same spot all day watching 90s nick cartoons unless his parents ask him to do a task. He’s never expressed a willingness to have new experiences- for fun, travel, or for life. He says he wants a girlfriend when prompted but never leaves the house unless parents tell him to. He doesn’t clean, doesn’t cook, doesn’t really go out of his way to do anything really.
My partners parents are getting up there in age, and I love his brother but there is a sort of expectation we will be the ones taking care of him when parents are gone. And I’m not even particularly opposed to this! I just think it’s bizarre something so obvious is never acknowledged. I want an honest conversation about it not a presumed transference of responsibility. My partners parents are smart people, they know the signs-they have friends with kids and grandkids on the spectrum. They HAVE to know right?
My partner has also never breached the subject with them before. I have made it absolutely clear to him I will not be committing to him without that conversation out of the way but he’s also at a loss of how to start after so long of never talking about it. He’s also convinced his mom will melt down if her denial is confronted.
How do you handle this? I feel like I can’t wait for my S/O to make the first move with his parents anymore because it’s my life too and it’s obviously bothering me way more than it is him. In a lot of ways, I think he’s just so used to it he doesn’t even realize how strange the situation is.
How do you tell two perfectly intelligent adults that this man they raised has a developmental disability that’s apparently obvious to everyone but them. Also, mostly, how do I support my partners brother? How do you encourage someone to want life. How do you make someone willing to be independent as a fully grown adult when they’re perfectly content having all their needs met by their parents?
Please give me ANY advice. I’ve been churning this problem over for so many years I’m out of ideas. I need to know what to say, how to say it, who to talk to. I think I have to be prepared for them to get really really offended so I would like to handle it with as much grace and tact as possible.
tldr: my partners family never acknowledged their other sons disability and raised a very dependent adult, i am set up to step up to the plate next. how do i proceed?
Submitted February 15, 2021 at 09:15PM by childwithhorns https://ift.tt/3tXF3sG
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