My [22f] father [60m] wants me to attend my grandfather's funeral. I do not want to go to any event where my father is present.

Without going into all of the detail, my father has been a terrible, abusive person for my entire life. Most of that abuse was directed at my brother [19m], not me, but I decided I didn't want our father to be part of my life in 7th grade. I've taken actions accordingly: for the past 5 years, I've had almost no contact with him, and I recently changed my entire name to disconnect from my family. I'm doing quite well without him and with the support of my mother [55f], who is separated from him. (In contrast, my brother stayed with my father and continued to suffer abuse until he had a complete psychotic break.)

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Recently, my paternal grandfather died. He and his wife have always been very kind to me and were a big part of my childhood, but avoiding my father has often meant not going to family events and therefore not seeing them much. Generally, I can get out of events by citing the distance - I live a 4.5 hr drive from my grandparents - but I don't think that's going to be an acceptable excuse to not go to the funeral. The funeral is planned to be a family-only gathering of ~20 people.

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I have already spoken with my grandmother [81f] about not attending the funeral and, for the first time, I was honest with her about the role my father has played in my life and my long-term avoidance of him. She didn't entirely understand, but seems to have accepted that I won't be attending the funeral. I brought up visiting the grave with her and my younger sister [14f] at a later date, since my sister has had contact with a COVID case and will not be attending the funeral either.

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Immediately after talking with my grandmother, I let my father know I wasn't coming to the funeral but didn't elaborate much. Today, he's called me a few times. Thus far, I've ignored his calls, but I will have to answer and deal with inevitable questions about my attendance. He also expects that, since I'll have a long drive and cannot stay with my grandmother because of COVID, I would be staying at his house overnight.

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I'm not sure if my grandmother would have said anything to him after our conversation, but assuming I can lead the narrative, how can I stonewall him and stay firm about not attending the funeral? What reasons can I give for not attending? (I am not above lying to him, but he is aware that I have not had any COVID exposure risk for at least a month. I also cannot tell him the truth - until after graduating college and moving somewhere he doesn't know about, I would feel genuinely endangered if he knew how I view him.)

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TL;DR: My paternal grandfather's funeral will be held in a week. My abusive father, who I have been avoiding for years, will be attending the funeral. I do not want to go to the funeral, and I have discussed that with my grandmother. Now, I need to deal with pressure about attendance from my father.

Submitted July 25, 2020 at 10:41AM by KeroseneEnvy https://ift.tt/3hztlxu