Hi friends,
I don't really know where to begin so I guess I'll start with some background context. I met my first and current bf in my junior year of college and we have dated now for 5 and a half years. After graduating we did long distance for 2 years, seeing each other about 2-3 times a month. However as a person who doesn't do as well in a distance relationship I suggested we move in as we have previously discussed this idea before. As he was already pursuing his career we decided that I would move down to the city area, where he is, as I still needed to go to school again. I applied to a school in an area near him and we moved in. As a guy who grew up upstate in a small country town, moving to the city area gave me a lot of anxiety and was a huge learning experience. It has been 2 years now since we moved in and I still kind of struggle with the lifestyle here and miss living in a small town. Knowing this my bf has tried his best to compensate for me moving down here and does his best to make me more comfortable. Our relationship seemed to be growing in the direction that we both wanted and we have discussed marriage after I graduate in 1 year.
However the other day we happened to be talking about where our family would settle down in the future and the conversation became serious very fast. I was in the mindset that after I graduated we would have options on where we would move to in terms of starting our family. My bf was in the mindset of settling down in this area as he has now invested years into his career here and his family are also close by. We had briefly talked about this topic before and my ideas of wanting to live in other states were shut down due to my bf not wanting to be too far from his family. I was ok with this as these ideas stemmed more from curiosity and wanting to experience a new state and new area and was never meant to be permanent. However I thought we would still have the options of going further away from the city to an area where we can both be comfortable. As our conversation progressed it became obvious we had two different ideals and my bf started crying and started to "mourn our relationship".
I understand the seriousness of this topic, however breaking up never even came across my mind. For me the only reason our relationship has lasted this long and was this successful was because of our ability to both make compromises and communicate through our differences. So I was taken aback and felt very hurt that his first idea was thinking that we had to break up. In his point of view he says that he just can't seem to sacrifice his career and his family for me and he also didn't want me to have to settle down in an area that I would suffer anxiety from so he thought the only option would be to break up. But for me I thought this relationship was just about me and him and as long as we were together we could do anything, be anywhere and still be happy. Hence why when he mentioned breaking up I told him that compared to living in this area and suffering from anxiety, not having him in my life is even worst, so I'd rather just go along with him and settle down here as his career here will benefit our future family anyways. This is why we did not end up breaking up.
As this was the first time in our relationship that he wasn't willing to make any compromises it has raised a wave of new insecurities and doubts. I think I'm ok with the decision in staying in this area but because I was the only one making a sacrifice in this decision I feel hurt and insecure about his dedication to this relationship and his love for me. It was the first time in our relationship that I felt I loved him more than he loved me and that scares me. I feel like our differences are now also put under a magnifying glass. I know that I was ok with these differences before and we have worked through them, but after our almost break up, I can't seem to stop thinking about them. Did I make the right choice or was I just too scared to break up. Am I actually ok with the decision I made or did I just say that while panicking in the moment facing a potential break up. I'm honestly scared, hurt, angry, and confused.
This being my first relationship I don't really know how to navigate through these issues. I don't know what is healthy and what is not, what should I expect and what should I not. I think I have been lucky to have been able to have made it this far in this relationship by making choices that ended up working out.
I'm so sorry for typing so much but if you have read it up to this point, thank you so much. If anyone has any advise please offer them because these last few days have been a turmoil of emotions and I feel lost.
**TL;DR; : How do I recover from the hurt and insecurities from almost breaking up. How do I decide if staying together was the right choice?**
Submitted July 03, 2020 at 10:33PM by Snoo2381 https://ift.tt/3iAPZXN
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