Title.
I will try and prevent this from becoming a splurge of my emotions. I found out last evening and slept in bed alone, stirring and laying awake with images in my mind.
Several months ago, my girlfriend confided in me and told me that she was not happy in our relationship. I recognized how lazy and complacent I had become in my role as a partner and promised her I would give it my all to be better and I have.
Around the same time, she was going to yoga with an old friend from high school. She has talked about him before and I have met him once. They are close, their relationship extends further than ours, and I did not want to interfere or come across as "controlling". Nevertheless, this upset me, and I expressed to her how this made me feel "second" to him since the offer to join her or them was never extended to me. Once COVID-19 happened, yoga was cancelled and she stopped seeing him.
Since then, we addressed the shortcomings we have had regarding communication in the past and how it had contributed to where we were then. Shortly after, our efforts and improvements were recognized and I believed we were the happiest and the best we have ever been. During this whole time, she still expressed love for me, verbally and intimately.
Anyway, yesterday, as the lease of our apartment ends, and we prepare to submit an application for a new apartment that we both love, she stops and tells me that she needs to come clean about something. In my gut I knew. Four months ago, around the time that she was unhappy, around the time she was spending time with him, they slept together.
I got up and left. Needed some air and to process this blow. When I returned home several hours later, I spilled my guts to her about everything on my mind: how I feel, what she was thinking, how she could do this to me? She looked shook and expressed how sorry she was, she fucked up, was not thinking straight.
After hours of reflection there was not much more to be said, except that I know this is not something you ever forget. As a child of divorce, and as a witness to my mother's affair, I have had trust issues since. I still think about it to this day, 15 years later.
I have never felt more conflicted or confused. She is my best friend and she is my world, but there is so much that bothers me:
- When she came clean about it, she told me she had not been in contact with him since except for yesterday morning when she told him that she was going to come clean about everything. I knew this was a lie because I have seen his name on her phone in recent weeks.
- She kept this bottled up inside for four months and decided to confess when it was most convenient for her. Had she never told me, I would have never known. This whole time, we lived life as if everything was OK, while at the back of her mind she knew what she had done. I asked her, Why now, instead of four months ago when things were rocky and you could have ended things then? Her answer: I wanted to forget it ever happened and move on. I realized that I am committed to this.
- As mentioned above, she continually expressed her love for me while things were uncertain between us. Meanwhile, she chose to sleep with another man, while "in love" with me, which is not something you do.
- I asked her, How do I know you will not do this again, with him or another guy, in a month, a year, five years from now? Her answer: This hurts enough the first time, I would not want to go through this again.
Everything I have put down here I have expressed to her and some more. I have never felt so betrayed, angry and confused. I told her that I need my space and she will need to go to her parents to give it to me; to come clean about what she has done and own up to it like an adult.
She has asked me for my forgiveness and is willing to do whatever it takes to win my trust back, although I do not know what it will take. She proposed changing her number, blocking the guy on all social media and deleting his number, plus whatever else, but I am not sure I can live with the constant distrust, suspicion and tension. I am not sure I can ever be intimate with her again without thinking of him.
Part of me really wants to stick around to make it work. Another part of me knows that this is over. I gathered from previous threads that those in a similar situation that did stick around ended up regretting it. Others can make it work, but again, the thoughts persist.
My blood pressure has spiked again since writing this up. Thankfully I am at work and have something to keep me distracted.
I suppose I am looking for any and all advice, positive or negative, regardless of if it is not what I want to hear.
Is this truly something that a couple can successfully move on from? Is it a mistake to forgive her and give the relationship a second chance? Can cheating actually be a "one time" thing? Or is the phrase, "once a cheater, always a cheater" true?
Truthfully, I am scared of losing her as well as everything we have worked hard for so far and had planned for the future. She is a big part of my life and it will be felt once she is gone.
TDLR; Girlfriend of six years cheated on me with an old friend during a rough patch in our relationship. Conflicted about where I stand and the direction to go. Looking for advice about forgiving, not forgetting, possibly moving on together, or alone, and what can be done between us to build trust and possibly make our relationship stronger from this.
Edit: I am so thankful for the advice and support I have received through this sub. I would have never imagined that this level of kindness would be possible to convey on the internet. What started as a means to put my thoughts down has blown up and has helped me immensely with processing my thoughts and figuring out how I feel. Some very good points have been raised, all of which will be carried with me. I feel like there is more to discuss between us, and what I think that means is I still need some answers for absolute closure, so that I may move on and focus on myself.
Submitted July 03, 2020 at 05:50AM by cheated-on-1984 https://ift.tt/2VJlAwr
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