My (27F) husband (29M) of 1 year has been in a mood lately. He's been on his computer from 9 am - 10 pm every day for a week and a half. I only see / talk to him if I pop into the office and say something, which he usually seems annoyed / disinterested by.
I've tried to let it go because he's been out of work since the Coronavirus, and he says that not having a job worries him. I'm assuming this means he's stressed but when I ask him how he's feeling / if he's stressed he says he's fine and get's annoyed that I'm asking.
I spent the last week unsuccessfully trying to engage with him, and ultimately taking over some more chores and leaving him alone. But lately I've been feeling really lonely. I feel like this is a lonely time in general for a lot of people, but this is only our first year of marriage, and it feels like this whole thing is headed towards some deeply routed issue.
I've voiced to him that I felt distant, and that I wanted to spend more time together. He seemed to hear me and sympathize, but outside of our tv-dinner time, and 1 nice 20 minute walk, nothing else changed the rest of the week.
Last weekend, I asked for a hug before getting up to start my day. He looked at me disgusted and said "no." I completely broke down. Later he said he was asserting his right to not hug me if he didn't want to.
It seems like he's just trying to do the opposite of what I want, only for the fact that I'm the one who wants it. He does the exact same thing when we fight:
Me: You really hurt my feelings when you did that.
Him: *Silence*
Me: How do you feel about the situation?
Him: I have nothing to say.
Me: You could say you're sorry.
Him: I'm not going to say 'I'm sorry' because that's what you want, and I refuse to give you what you want, once again.
Me: .....
That doesn't even make sense. If he cared at all, he would have sucked it up and done it (hug / apology / all the above). It's such a small gesture. It takes very little effort, but it makes a world of difference in bringing us closer, and making our relationship stronger. When he doesn't do it (hug / apology / all the above) it feels more like a way to hurt me than an actual principle that he stands on.
I would also like to point out, I really don't think I'm so controlling to warrant this kind of reaction. For the most part, I let him do his thing, unless I truly feel differently about what he's doing, then I try my best to compromise.
Whatever- we got over the hug thing. Now onto the next problem.
Since, the Hug scandal, he's been hitting his computer time even harder. I tried addressing my feelings, once again, that I would like some quality time because I don't feel connected with him. He, once again, seemed to care and said "What can I do to help?"
I told him I really wanted to just curl up in bed and talk. When we get in bed, he just stares at me blankly. I ask him how his day was. I ask him how his video games went. I provide follow up questions. I'm trying to get the conversation ball rolling, and he... seems totally disinterested.
Him: It's a pandemic. Nothing happens every day. I have nothing to say.
Me: You can ask me how my day went...
Him: Fine, how did your day go.
Me: It was ok. But you know we don't have to talk about what happened today. We can talk about future plans. Fun stories. Anything you can think of we can talk about. I just want to talk with you.
Him: We talk all the time. I don't need to talk as much as you. I wish you had more hobbies other than just watching TV.
Side note, every day, after working for 8 hours, and not talking to him, I've been doing yard work until dusk, DIY projects, exercising, and calling my family, and not talking to him. While each evening, he's been playing video games on the computer to decompress from playing video games during the day, and I've said NOTHING to him about getting other hobbies.
Me: I've been doing (entire above list). Maybe I had the TV on in the background today because I miss hearing people talk. I feel like you don't even care.
Him: I don't.
I start crying. He rolls over and goes to sleep. I ask why he's not comforting me after making me feel even worse. He said it's because the cat is sleeping between us. I point out that the cat is sleeping by his foot. He grunts and flops a heavy arm on my side as "comfort."
Long story short: I slept on the couch.
The next morning, he ate breakfast, watched cartoons, and went straight to his computer without saying a word to me.
Longer story short: I drove to my parent's house (They're away for the week).
I felt more alone with him than I do actually being alone.
I feel like he's abandoned me emotionally and doesn't care, so I abandoned him physically, but I do really really care.
I feel like I should call and apologize, but I know I can not keep it together if he pulls another "Well, I'm not going to apologize" I'm scared to go back home and feel iced out by him. I'm scared to stay at my parent's and make the situation worse. I need advice on what to do next. It's been over 24 hours and he hasn't called or texted, but, then again, neither have I.
TL;DR! - Husband is on the computer all day, every day, and leaves me to feel alone and unloved. He's completely uninterested in talking to me, or hugging me, and he says he doesn't care when he hurts my feelings. I couldn't stand being in a house where I was not wanted so I went to my parents'. I feel bad that this is how things turned out, but I don't know how to open up the lines of communication anymore when he's always shutting them down. I need advice on what to do next.
Submitted July 02, 2020 at 12:08PM by Reykin792 https://ift.tt/31FUPwS
No comments:
Post a Comment