This is too long but it really helps to write it all out.
I'm at my wit's end and I don't know where to go from here or what to do. I know the advice is always "cut her out of your life" but how can I do that when my dad is one of my favourite people on the planet. If I stop talking to her entirely, I'll also have to stop talking to him. And he's old and partially disabled and I don't think he's going to live very much longer.
She's harsh and will punish me without warning if she doesn't approve of something I've done. All my life, I've innocently said or done something that turned out to be something she didn't like, and paid the price. When I was growing up she threatened to kick me out of the house or call the authorities on me for very mild things. She would strike me or throw me against the wall for not very much of a reason. I wasn't allowed to cry about it, she would yell at me some more. Now, she threatens me with what she can, and upbraids me in front of my husband.
She would punish me for having boyfriends or friends she didn't like and kept me on a very strict curfew. I couldn't be late, not even a minute late, or else face the consequences and two weeks of not being allowed to leave the house except for school. When I learned how to drive and bought my car, she would take the keys.
Everyone in the house tiptoed around her and tried not to make her angry. I would warn potential boyfriends about how she was before they met her. She was never very nice to them.
I'm just... so tired of people being angry with me. My ex-husband was abusive (started his abuse six months after the wedding), and my long term boyfriend before that had terrible anger problems (although thankfully it wasn't directed at me). My mum has never been nice to me for more than a couple of weeks at a time, unless I don't see her very much. When I do visit, she can't play nice for more than six days at a time.
My husband now is a lovely man. I've been with him for seven years. He's never raised his voice to me, not once. I don't think it's me that is the cause of all this anger directed to me. I want to live the rest of my life without having to deal with someone who is angry at me all the time for being... well... me.
The latest thing she did was send some racist videos to my husband. I contacted her to tell her that I don't want her to do that, and that I was embarrassed. She's now harangued me over text for over a month, off and on since early May, telling me that I'm disrespectful, threatening to block me (I said she can if she wants), and the latest thing she texts about is that asking her not to send racist videos is disrespectful and that obviously it's more important than my relationship with her. "I guess your relationship with your Mum wasn't as precious to you as your point was."
During this time, I just reiterated that she should stop sending these things to him, that it embarrasses me, and that was it. Just a broken record. I haven't said anything offensive but it's spiralled out of control like this. I can show the texts to prove it. I think she wants me to apologise and say that it's fine for her to expose her racist arse everywhere. This time, it's not going to happen.
I'm so extremely tired of all of it.
There have only been a handful of times that I have stood up to her. It's more difficult in person because she will shout me down, hit the table, glare at me like a crazy person, and of course she isn't above hitting me although she hasn't done that in a few years.
I haven't responded to the last message because I've had it. The ONLY thing I've tried to stop her from doing - sending racist videos - the only thing I've been stubborn about, and she would rather not be my mum anymore. Well that's fine with me.
The funny thing about all this is that she would rather sacrifice her relationship with me than be wrong, than admit she's done something she shouldn't, and agree to do something I've asked her to do.
I've talked to my dad about this and he thinks that I should just apologise and play her game. He agreed that it's the way he usually does things, because if he doesn't apologise for things that aren't his fault, she can't handle it. He said that they would have ended up in divorce.
Really? Not apologise once, for something that is not your fault, and mum would divorce you?? Really.
So I'm not sure what to do now. I'm just ignoring her. I don't want this kind of thing in my life anymore. But I do want my relationship with my dad. How am I supposed to talk to him and see him without her there? He puts me on speaker constantly. He won't leave her at home alone to go visit me. He's my second favourite person on this earth. I'm already unhappy that we have limited time left to know each other.
Honestly the only thing I can think of it just call him on the phone when I know he's alone, but that is almost never - he's retired.
tl;dr: My racist and abusive mother is threatening to not have a relationship with me, but that will impact my relationship with my father. I am not sure how to navigate this.
Submitted June 23, 2020 at 04:29AM by XxJETblasterxX https://ift.tt/2CvvVoV
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