Alright, reddit, I come here because I feel I just can't take it anymore. I have had talks with my husband about this for three plus years now, and it has caused so many arguments in our relationship, that while I love our dog dearly and I'm happy we adopted him, I do think that us having him has caused more relationship problems for us than pretty much anything else we've ever dealt with. Apologies for length.
My husband is constantly, and I mean constantly, preoccupied with how our dog likes me more and it negatively impacts our relationship. I have reasoned with him about this until I am blue in the face: I've explained animal behavior and preferences (which sometimes don't make sense); I've given him countless suggestions for how he can build a better relationship with the dog (treats, more walks, more cuddles, etc., ...); I've told him multiple times we can get a second dog (he always refuses, besides, I also worry that both dogs may like me more then we're double screwed). Husband never implements any of these changes or shoots them all down. He has even admitted to me that he knows it's irrational that he gets so upset, but he hasn't done anything to productively deal with that upset. It keeps coming back, over and over again.
It'd be one thing if he kept it to himself. But, that's not what happens. His feelings and negativity about the dog impinge on our relationship in several key ways:
[1] He complains to me about it all the time. I'd like to be empathetic, but it's been 3 years of this now and he doesn't actually do anything to change the situation. There's only so much of this I can handle listening to. I'm well beyond the point of wanting to be patient about it. Yes, I know it sucks for him but the complaining and negativity is a near daily occurrence.
[2] When we are spending time together with our dog, he gets upset (moody, sulky) when the dog does anything that favors me more. Even if we are doing things separately in our house and the dog is sitting with me or otherwise spending time with me, but not him, he gets moody and sulky. In a situation in the house, btw, I've told him to call the dog to him, to sit with him. He won't do it! (apparently, the dog is showing his true preferences by picking who he wants to be with). It poisons our time together, and, in the end, makes me feel bad not only for enjoying time with our dog but it also feels blame-shifty in some ways: like he's punishing me for the dog liking me more by being in a bad mood when he's spending time with me. Maybe that's not what he intends, but either way, it makes spending time as a "family" exhausting. I don't want to do shared dog activities with him any more.
[3] When I bring up issues with him about something I'd like him to do more of or something he's done that isn't cool (none of which have anything at all to do with our dog), he will bring up the dog as a way to deflect from my concern and de-legitimize what I have to say. Case in point: he was in a huff/complaining recently that when I have my girls' group over to our house (this gathering happens every 8-10 weeks), he gets "exiled" and he doesn't want to be "exiled" in his own home. First, he chooses to exile himself -- he doesn't even come out of his room to say hi to people-- but I also told him that his complaints about this/huffiness was unfair because [1] he always claims to be supportive of me having a social life and wants me to actively pursue things apart from him, [2] he has his guy friends over to play games often and I don't try to make him feel bad about it. I do my own thing in another part of the house or I schedule and outing or activity that gets me out of the house. He is perfectly entitled to do the same when I have an event (which he knows will happen regularly and also is informed of well in advance) and complaining to me/begrudging me my own activity isn't fair. WELL, to counter my points -- and this is typical -- he brings up the fact that when I go to other parts of the house to give him space with his friends, I have the dog to keep me company, but he doesn't. When he has to isolate in the house, he's all by himself. So it's not the same and he's not being unfair. It's downright maddening because this is SO typical. I try to bring up an issue with him. He filters the entirety of a discussion through his jealous feelings about the dog. We get nowhere in terms of discussing actual issue at hand.
Anyway, like I said, I've talked to him about this until I'm blue in the face. I've empathized. I've tried to tell him I'm sorry he feels sad about this and I know it must suck (to which he says, I don't really know because "I have a dog and he doesn't"). I'm done with trying to reason with him and I'm looking to change my behaviors/boundaries. I need some constructive feedback/ideas on what to do. Honestly, I'm at the point where I just want to tell him, "We've talked about this, and as long as you do nothing proactively to change the situation, I'm not engaging in listening to you complain about this topic any longer. Let me know when you want to address this with a problem solving mindset" ... but it just feels harsh? Am I being a jerk here? I don't know. How do I deal with his moodiness/sulkiness about it? What do I do when he derails unrelated discussions back to this issue? I'm at the point, with this too, where I just want to remove myself from the situation and/or discussion when he does it.
TLDR: I'm at my wits end with the various problems my husband's jealousy of our dog causes. It's been happening for 3+ years and he takes no steps to build his relationship with the dog or deal with his negative emotions. What can I do?
Submitted June 03, 2020 at 11:44AM by ThrowRAdogissues https://ift.tt/2XVWQBw
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