This is going to require a bit of background information, but I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.
I (19f) am a college student, and I technically have four parents: my mom (41f), dad (41m), stepmom (41f), and stepdad (43m). My parents got divorced when I was nine, and my dad remarried that same year, while my mom remarried three years ago.
I haven't spent significant time with my father since I was in my mid teens, around 14-15. He was and is an abusive, toxic person who neglected me and my younger siblings when he had custody of us. I have been slowly cutting him out of my life since I realized this, and at this point I have no significant financial or legal ties to him. I still see him occasionally due to having a younger half-brother, but my father and by extension my stepmom are effectively no longer a part of my life.
I have no real issues about this, but recently I have also been considering cutting contact with my mom when I am able to graduate, get a full-time job, and move out. Over the past couple years, I have gradually come to the realization that my mom is emotionally abusive. I've never had the best relationship with her, but I've always brushed it off because she was the "good parent" compared to my father. Some examples of the things she's done throughout my childhood that I've come to realize have really messed up our relationship and my self-esteem include: going through my text messages, shaming me for my clothing/hair/makeup choices, trying to force me to maintain a relationship with my father, ridiculing me when I tried to open up to her about my mental health (not just to my face but also to a large group of her friends), and just general rudeness/anger issues. Additionally, she has recently somewhat become an alcoholic, which has been causing a lot of stress and tension in our family.
I have tried reconciling with her over some of these issues. However, she seems to be unable to admit that she has made mistakes as a parent. Or rather, she weaponizes her guilt over those mistakes to make me feel bad about bringing it up at all. For example, one time she asked why I never really open up to her or talk to her about my personal life. I mentioned how her reading my texts when I was younger violated my trust and made it hard for me to open up to her. She immediately got defensive and started self-flagellating about what a horrible mom she was (all without apologizing). Now, she brings it up like some kind of ammo when I get upset with her. I'll ask her to stop yelling at me when she's drunk for example, and she'll say something along the lines of, "oh, sorry, I'm just a terrible mom who reads your texts and does everything wrong". It's hard to explain, but it always makes me feel awful and it makes it impossible to have constructive conversations with her. She simply refuses to accept the fact that her past actions have hurt me, and it's driving even more of a wedge between us.
So, I'm considering cutting contact altogether once I'm fully independent. I want so badly to fully reconcile with her and mend our relationship, but I can't bring myself to work towards that until she is willing to do some of that work too (as well as get help for her alcoholism). I'm already planning on moving out of state where I graduate, because there are basically no job opportunities in my state for the field I'm going into. I obviously have lots of concerns and reservations about cutting her off, but here are my main ones:
- My relationship with my siblings. Like I mentioned earlier, I'm trying to keep up a relationship with my half-brother, but it's difficult while not being in contact with my father. If I were to cut off my mom, I would most likely lose most of my relationship with my stepbrothers (my stepdad's kids), and I'm afraid of what the impact would be on my relationship with my full brother (16m) and sister (18f). The three of us have remained very close throughout all of the turmoil in our child, but I'm afraid they wouldn't fully understand my decision to cut off my mother, because they both have very different relationships with her. Being the oldest, I was the "test child", for lack of a better word, so she did a much better job raising them.
- My stepdad has co-signed on one of my loans for college. My freshman year, I had to take out a private loan, and both of my birth parents have awful financial records, so my stepdad graciously co-signed for me. I deeply hope that I'm never in a position where it might fall on him to pay it off, but we can't always foresee these things and I would hate to cause family drama if this were to ever happen.
There are others, obviously. I love my mom, despite our deeply fractured relationship. I would love to find a way to build things back up with her and therefore have to avoid these worries, but with where my family is at now, things are looking somewhat hopeless. Do you guys have any advice, and maybe experience with this subject yourself?
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TL;DR: Both of my parents have been irresponsible and abusive to me growing up, in different ways. I've mostly cut my dad off, but I've always seen my mom as the "better" parent despite her emotional abuse. Now, I'm considering cutting off both of my parents completely once I'm fully independent, but I need input and advice on this massive decision.
Submitted April 24, 2020 at 08:35PM by adroitely https://ift.tt/2Kzo2zG
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