My (21F) husband (21M) has been lying about his level of involvement with a friend (19F) of his and might be having an emotional affair with her

Just FYI, we do have a therapy session scheduled for next week but I do not have a lot of experience with emotional affairs so I am not sure if that is what this is and kind of need some advice and encouragement.

So my husband has this female friend and they've been friends for years and once had emotional feelings for each other but never dated. She has been living out of state for some time now and is also married and in the early stages of pregnancy, but she occasionally comes back to our state to visit. Well, after not having spoken to my husband in many many months she pops up again and tells him that she is in town and starts venting to him about her problems. He's frequently messaging her, day and night, even when he's sitting right next to me supposed to be spending time with me only, since I only ever get to spend 2-3 hours of time with him a week. He's messaging her during dinner time, and during his breaks at work (which he never does with me and never has).

He had made plans with her to go out to eat one evening and when I told him that I was uncomfortable with him going out with her he got defensive. I asked him if our daughter(15mos) and I could go with him because I had never met this girl before, and he said no. When I asked him why we couldnt go with him, he said that it was because he hadn't seen her in years and wanted to see her. How would our presence prevent him from spending time with this friend? Well eventually I gave in and said he could go even though I was still very uncomfortable with it. (He never went because she went back to her state before they could.) He even asked me if her and her husband could stay in our house for a few days before going back to their home, I really wanted to say no because I do not know this girl and I wasn't comfortable with having her in our house but I gave in and said yes.

Here's where it gets more upsetting. Excuse me if I get emotional.

SIDE NOTE: I hate going through his phone and I've only done it like 3 times but if I didn't, then I would never know all of these things that he hides from me or lies to me about or what he says about me behind my back.

So this whole situation with her was making me very uncomfortable and the other night I grabbed his phone while he was asleep and read their messages which is where I learned all of the following stuff. It seems like mostly small talk but with everything else I'm worried that this is turning into an emotional affair possibly without him realising it. Her husband recently lost his job and they're not doing so well financially, hence why they came to our state. She wanted a break from there (and possibly him?).

He's been opening up to her about his feelings and problems and he never does that with me, even though I beg him to tell me what's wrong and always leave myself open to him to talk to me. All I have wanted since the start of our relationship is to be his person, the one that he tells everything to and confides in. The one that makes him feel better immediately after having had a bad day at work but I never have been. He tells me he doesn't want to talk about it because be would rather not dwell on it, and that when he gets home he wants to move past it and pretend that they didn't happen. Except he has no problem talking to her about his stresses at work and whatnot.

He invited her up to his work the other day and gave her the gate code to get in. HE SENT HER MONEY for gas and food, not for himself but for her! He tells her he's bored and that they don't have a whole lot going on at work and that she should come up. This is extremely unprofessional, and hurts me because he never texts me when he's bored at work. He never invites me up to visit him at work. If it were me, my first thought would be to message my husband because I love him and miss him and want to talk to him but he would rather invite over this other girl.

He even offered to give her $1,500 to get her a car!! Which he never discussed with me. He never mentioned it to me after the fact, he never asked me about it. Nothing. He tells her that he could give her this money for a car but that she would have to pay him back quickly which read to me that she'd have to pay it back quickly before his wife noticed that this money was gone. We have a CHILD that we need to take care of and he's offering money to another woman to help her out and take care of her?

In the conversation where they talked about her coming to stay in our house, she expressed concern that I wouldn't allow her to do that and he said to her that he "pays the bills, so ultimately it is [his] decision." That is bullcrap. Our marriage is a partnership, and my name is on the lease just as much as his is so it is a joint decision no matter what. She even told him that she was afraid that I would be mean to her and bully her and she was scared that she wouldn't be able to be mean back. I have never met this girl or even spoken to her, I have no reason to bully her or be mean to her. I'm frankly insulted that she would even think that or say that, and I wonder where she'd get an idea like that from. Maybe because my husband says hurtful things about me behind my back when he's mad at me? He's done it before, maybe he did it again?

She is not his wife and he shouldn't be taking care of her like this or trying to provide for her. If her husband is incapable of providing for them on his own, then that is their problem, not my husband's. I'm scared by how far my husband is willing to go for this girl and I'm feeling extremely jealous, inferior, anxious, and threatened, and I'm unsure what to do.

He doesn't know that I know all of this because the morning after I read their messages, I scheduled our first therapy appointment and went to visit a friend of mine to get her opinion on this. She was the one that mentioned this might be an emotional affair, and I wanted to hear some more opinions.

TL;DR my husband has been lying to me, omitting information, and been deeply involved with another girl in ways he isn't with me.

Submitted May 01, 2019 at 12:19AM by despondentdownload http://bit.ly/2V6IAay