Is my [25F] relationship with my boyfriend [23M] abusive? Toxic? When to decide how to call it quits?

Hi everyone! Obligatory mobile formatting apology.

I never thought I'd be posting here, but I could really use some outside perspective. I don't know where to begin or what to do. I'll try to keep it concise but I have a habit of rambling on tangents (which pisses my bf off a lot). I love my boyfriend very much. We have been dating for close to 1.5 years at this point. We've had our ups and downs, but if I'm to be brutally honest with myself there have been quite a few downs. Obviously our relationship has a lovely, fun and supportive side but I wouldn't be posting here under this title if there wasn't some major issue.

We argue a often. It's usually because he does something to hurt me and I try to bring it up. It might be relevant I'm a very anxious and sensitive person, so I do get hurt easily. It hasn't been diagnosed or anything, but I always have been easily anxious and I've had quite a few panic attacks this year so it's something I'm actively working on. However, despite having this flaw I do believe that I am a mostly respectful, supportive, and overall loving partner. I always try my best to put him first and think of how to make him the happiest he can be. I try to speak his love languages and try to make sure he always feel warm and loved.

My boyfriend defines himself as a more rational person than emotional person, and I find that it makes it hard for him the empathize with me when I feel anxious or hurt. His own method of coping seems to just be suck it up and get over it. I'm starting to feel like him saying he's "logical" is just an excuse for not being emotionally aware or empathetic. For example a lot of the times when I'm crying or having a panic attack he just stares at me blankly, doing and saying nothing.

This has led to a lot of conflict over how he feels like my anxiety "annoys him". We've gotten into a cycle where he triggers me (sometimes it's my fault for overthinking, sometimes I genuinely believe he is at fault) and I (imo) rationally and directly explain why I'm anxious and that I would just like him to lay off or give X Y Z kind of reassurance. I try not to blame, I focus on how its my issue. For example I'd usually say something like "Hey I know you might not mean to, but how you're acting right now is making me feel anxious. Can you help me understand why you'd act this way?".

However this usually sets him off and makes him annoyed that I need his "help". Then he will always try to shut down, hang up, or run away. He is definitely avoidant when it comes to negative feelings, and has what we both agree are less than ideal coping mechanisms for conflict. If he is upset or hurt, he doesn't respectfully communicate how he feels or what he wants. He says that when he's upset he only feels intense anger and negativity towards me and it makes it hard for him to come down. Even when I immediately try to de-escalate and apologize and say I we should try to move on, he'll say things like "it's too late I'm too pissed off" and refuses to cooperate with me in conflict resolution.

His reacting poorly would only trigger me more, but even then he essentially demands I drop and get over it immediately because he needs space. I understand that my anxiety is my problem, and that I'm sure I'm super annoying and tiring to deal with sometimes. But I'm frustrated that I cannot depend on my partner and that his patience is so thin with me. More than anything, it just feels like he resents me for my flaw even though he knows I'm working my hardest and I've made a lot of progress since we've met on handling my anxiety on my own. I just want to feel loved and respected always, even when I'm at my worst.

What I really cannot stand is that he speaks to me disrespectfully. He'll say things like "just fuck off" and "shut the fuck up" and "thats a fucking stupid question". When i respond and say that I would like him to stop swearing and communicate respectfully, he blames me and says "you shouldn't have made me angry", which I think is super unacceptable. A lot of the time I feel like he blames me for his bad behaviour, and lowkey manipulates or gaslights me into feeling guilty for being hurt or trying to discuss an issue. He often quits when he is overwhelmed, and just tells me he "feels nothing" and that if I'm unhappy I should "just end things". However when I try to talk to him seriously about ending things, he just sits silently and tells me that I should make the call, and puts the decision all on me even though he brings it up. I feel alone in trying to work on and save this relationship. When I bring up that our behaviour is toxic and we should look into self-help or see a therapist, he shuts it down and refused by saying he has no time or money.

​

The thing is, its not always like this (I know I sound like a textbook person in a toxic relationship when I say this). We really have something I think is special. I won't bore you with the mushy details but part of me really thought he'd be the one i thought I was confident in myself and respected myself enough to not be in this position. I know I'd be fine someday if this all ended, but for some reason I just cannot let him go.

​

We always knew we were different people, and that it might be tough to align but we've been doing our best to. I've grown a lot positively because he's tough on me and am much better at coping with my anxiety, and being less dependent. I've helped him see the value in emotions and open up and become more aware. The one thing I'm certain of is that we are both really trying our best right now to meet in the middle. There has truly been tangible progress and we fight less and communicate better. It just seems like patience is wearing thin all around and resentment is starting to grow faster than our progress. Just not sure if trying is enough at this point, and that maybe we are simply incompatible and we're both too deep in it to see that.

I guess the question I want answered is: Should we give up and call it quits? Or keep trying to make it work? I'd love any advice from anyone who's been in the same boat or had to make a tough call. The optimist in me wants to hear if anyone has managed to make it through something like this, or if there is somehow anything I can do to save this relationship that means so much to me. Thank you to anyone who's made it through my wall of text. I appreciate you!

​

TLDR: Boyfriend and I love each other but have grown to resent each other due to constant and cyclic arguing. We've been trying to work it out, progress is tangible but slow and resentment has made us toxic towards each other. I'm starting to feel alone in my efforts to try and save this relationship. Is it salvageable?

Submitted April 30, 2019 at 11:08AM by whatshouldido310321 http://bit.ly/2UMBnr7