Hey all, got a bit boring classic, but need advice. I’m sorry it’s long, but I tried to condense it as much I could.
So, Friday I got a message from an old university friend that I've known for 3 years now (we have just both graduated over the summer, but I stayed on to do a PhD) to see if we could hang out. I said no problem, and so after I was done with classes Friday, we hung out in the university halls for about an hour and a half, to catch up a little. We talked about graduating, classes I’m taking now, and the whole process of searching for a job. The conversation felt like it was cut a little short, because I had to go pick up my daughter from day care.
We then talked about what our plans were for the rest of the day: he was going to meet up with some other friends to eat dinner, and I was just going to stay home with my daughter. He said his dinner wouldn’t be long, and that we could hang out some more right after. I said sure thing, especially since I wanted to quiz him some more on the whole “looking for a job process” that all new graduates dread, me included (PhD was a bit of a last minute decision for me, not relevant to story, other than why I was previously freaked about having to go out and look for a job and was glad to get some firsthand stories of the whole process).
Anyway, because of my daughter, I said we should just hang out at my place (as we’d done a few times before). At about 8:30 he tells me he’s done with dinner and on his way. Over the next few hours we talk some more about university, teachers we liked/hated, classmates we like/hated, wondering what they’re all up to … then at about the 4h mark the conversation dies down, and I hit him with a broad: “what else is up with you these days”.
He mentions he’s just broken up with his gf of 5 years, and for about an half-hour goes through a few of the main issues they had: (incompatibility of religious view, wanting a child without really asking his opinion first, feeling like he wasted his life being with someone so inconsiderate … anyway, during this he tears up a few times, and when he does I offer a quick hug and say: ‘You’re worth so much more.”, and a bunch of “You’ll see this is for the best” kind of reassurances.
At the very end, he gets all melancholic and starts again with: “oh I’ve wasted 5 years of my life, how could I have been so stupid, yada, yada”; and so because we’ve been sitting on the couch (so not facing each other, the hugs have meant kind of twisting to the side to give them) this time I kind of skootch on over and just put my arm around him and hold his shoulder. He then starts doing this thing where he was like, pinching the back of his hand to release some of the emotional stress I guess (my daughter does this quite a lot when she gets frustrated with herself) and I instinctively grabbed his hand the to get him to stop. So, we sit like this for a minute or two while he calms down a little. He then says “feel like I’m the only one pouring out my soul”.
Now, I know what you’re all thinking at this point; but let me at least give you my side of things. I had a really shit childhood, and with everything that went down, one of the things I’ve repeatedly heard from my parents during that whole period of my life was: “If you’ve got nothing interesting to say, then don’t say anything”. Obviously, that was just a twisted way to tell me to shut the fuck-up, because apparently nothing I ever said was interesting to them. So, I’ve have it deeply ingrained in me that I’m not interesting, and shouldn’t try to add much to conversations. The worst part is through adulthood a lot of people have blurted out (I don’t exactly blame them, it just kinda reminds me of why I’m like this [see above], so I hate hearing it): “Wow, you don’t say much” or “You’re a quiet one”, and even once “Oh my god, I was trying to see how long you could go without saying anything, but I just can’t take it, it’s crazy how quiet you are” (I honestly believe it was as a joke, as this was a good friend of mine, but damn it cut deep). Anyway, just to make it clear this is what was going through my mind when he said that, not anything else that will become a little more obvious in a second (because this is just a friend/good classmate).
Anyway, I blurt out the first few things I can think of to kind of match the tone of the conversation: my family wasn’t great, that’s why I’m not really close to them or my brothers …
This is where it gets cringey. He says: “Hey, this is a bit too intimate, don’t you think?” So I back up and kinda say “yeah, sorry, I guess so”. Then he gets all weird and start saying “This feels good, but I’m feeling a little guilty”, and “Where is this going? What do you mean by this?”. I’m just staring at him still trying to mentally catch up to where the heck he’s going and just keep repeating “I … don’t know”. He says: “I mean, don’t you feel bad ? Shouldn’t you tell your husband about this?”, I say “I guess”. “Then he hits me with “What would you do if I asked you to kiss me right now ?”.
NOW IT HITS ME ! And I’m freaking out; I tell him I was just trying to reassure him that a break-up isn’t the end of the world, and that it only gets better from here, but that’s it. He’s like, “Oh I guess I didn’t know what this was”, and “I feel disappointed you put me in this position”, “I feel almost like you were using me”. WTF !? He says he thinks it’s best he leaves, but still sits there just “thinking” for the longest time, looking back at me like I’m supposed to say something. Finally, he starts getting a bunch of messages from the person he’s staying with, asking him where he is as they were staying up to let him in, and leaves.
So, what the fuck? Is all this really on me ? Should I cut this friend out of my life, or am I really somehow to blame, even partially, and so shouldn't be so harsh on them ? What do I tell my husband ?
tl;dr: hung out with a classmate for a few hours to catch up on our lives after graduation this summer. Near the end he brings up his recent breakup, and while trying to comfort him, he makes it weird and then basically blames me … is he right ?
Submitted October 28, 2018 at 10:38AM by ConfusedAboutBlame https://ift.tt/2zbAzmH
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