Stuck, and sad, and lonely

I (44F) have been with my husband (39M) for 18 years. Not married all that time. I love him. I do. But it's dawned on me that our relationship is more like housemates, or brother and sister. Friends. We haven't had sex for most of our marriage. He is interested in everything in the world except me it seems sometimes. But he will protest. He loves me, he wants me (just has problems), he thinks I'm amazing. He gets jealous when others show interest, or when I show interest in others. We're so intertwined - inter-reliant, emotionally, financially, familialy (though we don't have children). I can't even think straight about things. Because to think about it you have to feel free to consider all the options and I just don't know how to do that - breaking up would destroy him in so many ways. (Over and above emotionally)

And others do show interest. But I have no idea how genuine that interest is, or what it means, whether it is just flirtation, or physical, or anything more. It's been 20 years since someone was interested in me and the world has changed a lot in those times. I can't do mind games. I never could. I get lost in stupid fantasies and then get my heart broken. Why can't people just be straightforward.

I just want to feel wanted again. Or to forget again. To be alive or dead (not dead - but detached, like I have been for so long, not noticing how lonely or empty I feel) Want that spark back in my life. To feel like love is dancing again. If I could make it come back with my husband, maybe that would be ok. Maybe I would overcome the resentment. But if not - the prospect of this hollowness is so frightening. We've talked about therapy, we've talked and talked and talked. But I don't think it will happen, for a variety of reasons. And i'm not sure it would help.

I don't know what to do. I feel trapped and sad, and guilty and selfish. Because I don't want to hurt anyone. And I don't want anyone to hurt me. But is it fair to anyone to stay because you don't want to hurt someone? Or you don't want to mess up their life? On one level I could be quite happy to live as friends. But I want more than that. Just like I want more than sex. I have more to offer than that.

TLDR, Marriage is a mess, don't feel i can even think about leaving, don't understand people's motivations, feel lost, what to do

Submitted January 17, 2023 at 10:33AM by unaffectedvampire https://ift.tt/muBMDhZ