My (31F) friend (32F) has been struggling with fertility issues for a couple of years and has had multiple miscarriages. This is causing her so much pain and grief as she always wanted to be a mother and I have tried to be there to support her. But from the moment I found out I was pregnant last year I felt so bad and guilty, I dreaded having to tell her. I only have a few close friends and she is one of my closest, we have known each other for 15 years, were roommates in college, spend every new years together, and still live close by- yet she was the last person I told. She was not thrilled with the news, which I accepted.
A few months into my pregnancy she also got pregnant and we bonded over it. We talked about how they would be friends and we could do all that mom/baby stuff together. Unfortunately, she miscarried, and her depression and anxiety worsened considerably. I feel so incredibly bad for her and wish there was something I could do to help. I recognize that her pain is real and she is truly grieving.
Our friendship has suffered as a result. I have since had my baby and our communication has basically stalled. She and her husband did attend my baby shower and sent me a congratulations text when my daughter was born, but since then haven't really acknowledged her existence.
On Christmas day our daughter was hospitalized (she's okay) and she only reached out to me (just a text) because my husband asked her too. She sent one text and never followed up with me about it. All of our communication since has been short texts every couple of weeks about surface-level stuff, she never asks about the baby and I feel weird bringing her up. Whenever I want to post about my daughter on Instagram I always question if I should because I know it will make her feel bad. When I do post about her, she shares an insta story about how hard infertility is. Her last one essentially said "I shouldn't have to feel happy for you". It just feels so pointed that I am unsure how to respond.
I don't know where to go from here. I am not a confrontational person at all and I hate making others feel bad. I know she is grieving and that has a chokehold on her life right now. I obviously want to keep the friendship but I love my daughter so much that it is hard to continue going on as if my child doesn't exist. I also feel like any interaction with her is going to be tainted and a sad reminder for her even if I don't talk about my baby.
Should I keep things going as is and see if things improve with time or naturally fizzle out? Is it wrong for me to feel sad that my best friend doesn't care I had a baby, or worse has a negative association with my child?
***Please understand I am not attacking her for her behavior in her grief, I am just trying to gauge how to move forward to support her without also feeling like me and my life doesn't matter in the friendship****
TLDR: Best friend has had multiple miscarriages and I recently had a baby. She no longer regularly talks to me, doesn't ask about the baby, and essentially pretends she doesn't exist. I understand she is grieving but also feel sad she doesn't care about my daughter. How should I proceed with the friendship?
Submitted January 29, 2023 at 11:45PM by kelseydiane31 https://ift.tt/UNRavJ7
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