I [early-30s M] have been with my fiancée [late-20s F] for nine years.
Tl;dr
We have a house. We have been engaged for 4 years. We have a dog.
I've also begun to realise that I am content, not happy.
There is a stability not many my age get to enjoy, there is security in homeownership... and it all feels like I'm filling a role to maintain the aesthetics that it's a model life and relationship for someone else. There's a growing alienation and hollowness.
I love my fiancée, I care deeply about her, but it feels like we have grown into people where our gears no longer mesh together smoothly. As people, I feel like we aren't in sync anymore and have grown apart. I feel alienated from the relationship, like I'm going through motions.
I'm seeking advice on whether this is me having an early midlife crisis, whether I should talk about this, get over myself. Just perspectives on what I should do.
Problems:
There are a few things that I've felt for a while as pervasive issues causing friction and jamming those gears.
- · Jobs - We both work demanding jobs; however, they are very different. Hers is very physically demanding, and the pay isn't great, but it's her career and it's something she's very proud of. I was very lucky over the pandemic to settle into a career that allows me to work from home and get paid incredibly well for it (it is this job that has allowed us to buy our house). It demands a lot of my time and 70+ hour weeks aren't out of the question. While she claims to get the demands, she has admitted that there's resentment for the fact that ~ I'm in a home office while she is in physical risk as part of her role, with the pay discrepancy feeding into that. The pride she has for her role feeds in there too - with me being told that I just won't get it because I'm not in her field. This has led to arguments where I try to explain that during work hours, although I'm at home, I'm ostensibly at work, and dotting out to do chores isn't part of the equation. Nothing really feels resolved, although recognition is there, so is a tension.
- · Arguments - When we argue, it feels like there are two extremely different perspectives on the purpose of an argument and outcomes. I argue to try to put forward my point of view, to feel seen and understood. She argues to win. A 'sorry' from me means victory. I've raised this before and been accused of trying to take a moral high ground or act holier than thou. I'll admit, when I can see disagreements going a certain direction, I can be a fucker; sarcastic and a little mean out of frustration because I've given up on any useful outcome.
- · Personalities - We've always been different in terms of personality. Using stereotypes, I'm very 'type B'; kinda loose, laissez faire, relatively zen and go with the flow about things - I can get flustered, but not very often and I know the reasons why. She is very 'type A'; everything is meticulously planned weeks in advance, we have a weekly checklist to do chores, and a monthly enhanced checklist for the other chores. I've been walking/hiking/a bit of a nature-boy since childhood. I find a near-transcendental joy in nature, something I've been leaning on harder with my job. There's just an utter freedom, a joy and a love for all things by being out there. She's wanted to join me where she can and she knows it's important to me, but seems very bogged down in the practicality of walking from point A to point B. There seems to be a negativity around things that aren't productive, and I often feel guilty for prioritising things to make me happy (a long walk, a rest after working, playing videogames) over chores, shopping, or ticking things off a list. This isn't being made to feel guilty, just a pervasive sense of guilt for being out of step with her and what she's prioritise. I also feel like there is less and less connection in our interests and conversations, often being practical (interior design for the house) or to do with what we've just watched. We're compatible there in terms of our tastes and interests, but there's no enthusiasm and it feels like there's a part of my life shut off.
- · The House - I feel like the house takes priority over the relationship rather than simply being a factor in it. The repeated tasks are emphasised over trying to understand how each other is growing. Homeostasis is preferred now that we've achieved... this. Maybe some of this is due to the fact I work here leading to a very different relationship with the environment itself, but I'd rather the focus be on each other.
- · Sex - Now, this is a big multifaceted one. We've not had a sex life in a while. Years. We have sex sometimes and we live together. It's been a point of friction in the past. Various prescriptions drop-kicked any regular sex life in the knees. However, she's not been on anything that would inhibit libido for... years. When we've talked about this in the past, it often results in her crying and me apologising for bringing it up. She's made it clear that she's uncomfortable talking about sex full-stop. Her wants, fantasies, and desires are absolutely unknown to me. There is no sexual communication at all - flirtatiously or otherwise. I have, in the past, tried to communicate what I'm into (building anticipation, hints throughout the day, that kind of thing so the tension can be enjoyed) but was told categorically that "no woman is into that"... which put a stop to any of that. It used to be that the sex we had, as infrequent as it was, was still good, but it's got to the point where I no longer have confidence and there is so much pressure to perform that I rarely enjoy it - not as it should be enjoyed. Not as an expression of mutual need between two people. A fundamental issue here too is that I'm someone who thinks about sex as something important, to be taken seriously as a component of a relationship, to be thought about to better understand how it can bring two people together... and then just have fun with it. Sex, to me, is a way for two people to relax and reassure each other. For her, nothing can ever happen until she's relaxed, and because there is always something on a to-do list, she is never relaxed. Ultimately, I feel like an entire part of myself must be shuttered away. We've not had sex in about a month.
- · The Future - This is a recent one, but a curveball. Prior to this relationship, starting a family was always kind of a topic, something floated (my previous serious relationship even had the 'baby names' chat). In this, kids are categorically off the cards. Not a chance. Childfree etc. I was in for the ride for a good while. Dual income, no kids, happy days. However. It feels like because of that, the life I've built is kind of... pointless. Selfish almost. What is the point in the stability and security if only to maintain it? It's circular. I'd put any "I'd be a great dad" thoughts in a box for a long, long time, and recently with colleagues having kids, they're starting to break free again. We had an argument about vasectomies a while back - services are difficult to get hold of which was interpreted as me dragging my heels (and maybe I was a little) - but was told "if you want kids, I'm not the girl for you" almost as an ultimatum. At the time, it felt like a gun to our relationship's head, so naturally the reply was "of course I don't want kids!" with a subtext of "... for you, for what we've built". Now, for a litany of factors, that's becoming a more and more difficult line to hold.
The Wonderful:
At the same time, of course, there was - there are, reasons why we are together.
- · Love - I am loved. I love her back. These are facts that are not in doubt - it's warm and interpersonal. I just don't feel wanted, or needed in that full bodily way that remains beyond any honeymoon stage. I am a very physically affectionate man. Squeezes, cuddles, kisses etc. She is not a very physically affectionate woman... well she can be, but on her terms. I put a lot of myself in a box to avoid feeling like I'm pestering her to show her how I feel - which ultimately is what it is to me. The ineffable bubbling up of "I love you" that can only be expressed through physical means because the words themselves don't suffice. I am loved. She cares. She thinks about the little things. She picks up on little things. And I love her back in the same way... but it doesn't feel complete.
- · Family - She gets along incredibly well with my family. They love her, she's very much part of it all. It's heartwarming, especially at Christmas. It's easy. She's just very very good with people like that.
- · Stability - Of course, this is a given. It's the aesthetic of a perfectly made life. Everything we could ever want together - especially if I compromise and make peace with everything I've written above.
What kills me is knowing that feeling urgent enough to write all this out is all in my head right now and raising it will hurt her immeasurably. I've built an incredible life with her and for her, and to her it's just that (with some flaws, granted). I just don't know how much of it is for me too.
At the same time, I don't know how much of this is me. Am I being unreasonable? Am I asking for too much? Am I not giving enough room for someone else or selfish for expecting things to be a certain way? And if that's the case, should I just shoulder this and hope I get over myself.
I know I've got to talk to her about this, otherwise this becomes a stomach ulcer or something else like that, but it's how daunting that's going to be. It's a bad analogy, but it feels like I'm having to steel myself to make that phonecall to the vet about whether to go for very risky surgery or to get the dog put down. Either the dog might die, or it's going to die - and while afterwards we get a heathy pet or can find solace in "it was for the best" - right now it's all very scary and hurts.
Submitted January 25, 2023 at 09:58AM by Help_NewAccount https://ift.tt/SJ2Qlyr
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