I found out about this a few days ago but I'm still reeling and haven't slept much so this may be all over the place
When I first met my girlfriend about two years ago she was upfront about being poly (enm) and despite my having no experience with that I felt confident she could help me through whatever I needed to be eased into. She was so honest and open and meticulous, even having typed up guidelines which I appreciated having out in the open.
For a while it was just us and I knew that wouldn't be forever so I understood eventually there would come a day where she'd hit me with the "I met someone" conversation and I did everything I could to prepare myself to work through it, bringing it up with her occasionally. Again, she seemed like she could ease me into all of this.
I knew the only thing I could really ask is for some kind of heads up that something might happen so that I could prepare.
So she's visiting her family for the holidays and seems to be spending a lot of time with her (non biological) cousin who shd previously described as a jerk and likely a sexual predator. And one day sorta out of the blue starts telling me that maybe she had the wrong idea about him and that they were actually really getting along. Then a day or so later she says she has something she needs to talk to me about, which makes me sorta nervous because that sounds ominous, right? She assured me it's nothing bad... but when I ask for bullet points she tells me that they'd slept together.
She says she'd been up all night disgusted with herself and worrying about how I'd react and tells me several different times that she would understand if I was disgusted and wanted to break up.
Turns out she'd always had sexual feelings for this guy and they'd messed around a while back and she'd never mentioned it because "I thought you'd bolt". So instead of talking to me about it, she ended up acting on it.
She claims it isn't me at all, I didn't do anything wrong or give her a reason to do this. She says she just hates herself and ends up making sabotaging choices like this.
I get emotional and ask dozens of questions and don't get many answers but one of the few things I do get from her was she "guesses it was the thrill of having a secret only she knew but couldn't keep the secret".
They also didn't use a condom, which was one of her rules and she seemed to place importance on safety and talking before fluid bonding.
This feels like so much at one time I'm incapable of thinking and don't know what to feel or how to react. I'm hurt and shocked and I can't get past the ick factor and I wish she'd just told me about all of this sooner.
When I asked her how I would be able to trust her again she said she just needed time to demonstrate. So she needs time to do the things she'd said she'd do but didn't? I can't wrap my mind around that.
I want to work through this and would prefer not to just throw all this away but it feels like she put no thought into how things would pan out and it almost seems like she wanted me to just break up with her but claims that isn't the case.
She's looking into going back to therapy and setting us up with a couples counselor as well so it could be she just made a massive mistake but I can't see this clearly and I don't know if or when I'll be able to.
In the meantime though? She said they'd talked about it and he is backing off, but they're still hanging out one on one and I'm just supposed to trust them that nothing else is going on. It feels so odd that she's so ashamed and disgusted yet can go right back to hanging out with him like that.
TLDR: my "ethically non monogamous" girlfriend blindsided me by sleeping with her non-bio cousin and says it was just a mistake and claims she wants to work things out
Submitted January 03, 2023 at 08:34PM by rarzwon https://ift.tt/nF3Clkz
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