I (24m) have a crush on my roomate/ friend (24m) and it's incredibly taxing. We live together in housing providing by the company we work for, and spend a lot of time together because we work and live together. I am all but constantly thinking about how I have a crush on him, but it's completely unwilling on my part. He's straight, has a long term girlfriend, and is a really good friend, and i hate that constantly feeling jealous and aggro inside is probably making me a worse friend.
He's incredibly kind, and we're a lot of each other's support system right now (our job is really shitty and stressful.) We've spent hours talking about our childhoods, difficulities with family, what we want to do with our futures, etc. And those talks have meant a lot to me. We watch movies together and talk about them for hours. It's one of the most meaningful friendships I've ever had, especially with another man, and I hate that my stupid fucking brain is ruining it.
The worst part is he's very conventionally attractive and fit. I think a lot about how I'm probably not the first gay guy who's crushed on him whole being his friend, and it's so fucking embarrassing. I can see the difference in how people interact with the two of us, and how he's just more comfortable in his skin than I am, and it's made me compare us and start to self criticize a lot harder than I use to. He's become the center of a lot of resentment that he doesn't deserve, and I've all but stopped looking in the mirror. And I think I'm hiding it well enough, and we're still friends, but I don't won't to be thinking all of these things all of the time, and I don't want every male friendship I have in the future to be colored by my brain trying to fucking eat itself.
I know a lot of this is stuff that requires self reflection and love. Probably my crush on him has more to do with what I feel I myself lack, rather than what he is/ has. I know I'm probably looking to assume some of his societal power and attractiveness by seeking his romantic approval (which feels so fucked up. I hate having to peel apart my emotions like this rather than just being able to have a crush, experience rejection, and move on). But while I'm working on that (and slowly saving up for therapy), how do I get out all this negative energy? How do I stop hoping that he'll somehow magically turn gay and internalize that he has no romantic interest in men or me? How do I compartmentalize all this so it stops coloring so much of my life and interactions? Is the only answer to emotionally remove him from my life? Because it would be such bullshit that because my brain decided for me I have a crush, I have to carve a whole ass friend out of my life just to be fucking normal. I'm just really fucking tired.
Tldr: I have a crush on my straight friend/ roomate and I want to make it stop without ending the friendship.
Submitted January 04, 2023 at 06:47PM by Calbra_26 https://ift.tt/uyiVaTt
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